Interpersonal Conflict

Conflict

Issues In General In Intimate Relationships Goals to be pursued. Allocation of resources. Decisions to be made. Behavior. Intimacy issues Power issues Personal flaws Personal distance issues (absence, job/school commitments) Social issues (politics, parents, values)

Issues Content conflict—centers on objects, events, persons Relationship conflicts—center on nature and meaning of relationship

Conflict Can be negative Can be positive Leads to hurt Can lead to violence Can be positive Solves problems Demonstrates an investment in the relationship

Conflict styles Competing: I win, you lose Avoiding: I lose, you lose Compromising: I win and lose, you win and lose Accommodating: I lose, you win Collaborating: I win, you win

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) What is the cause of the conflict? How do the characters in the conflict escalate the conflict? Identify phrases that contributed to the conflict. What was each party’s orientation towards the conflict? Did they view conflict positively or negatively? Did they work to escalate or deescalate the conflict?

The Harvard Model In any conflict, there are three conversations: The “what happened” conversation Explore each other’s stories Disentangle intent from impact Map the contribution system (and abandon blame) The “feelings” conversation Frame feeling back into the conversation Express your feelings Don’t evaluate—just share

The Harvard Model The “identity” conversation Be aware of your identity issues Complexify your identity—adopt the and stance Find the courage to ask for help.

The Harvard Model Know thyself and take care of thyself. Clarify personal needs threatened by dispute. Establish an appropriate communication climate for negotiation. Take a listening stance into the interaction. Assert your needs clearly and specifically. Approach problem solving with flexibility. Manage impasse with calm, patience, and respect. Build an agreement that works.

Communication Climates A communication climate is the emotional tone of a relationship between people. Recognition Acknowledgment Endorsement

Communication Climates Defensive and supportive climates Evaluation vs. description Certainty vs. provisionalism Strategy vs. spontaneity Control vs. problem orientation Neutrality vs. empathy Superiority vs. equality

Communication Climates Guidelines for creating and sustaining communication climates Communicate in ways that confirm others. Communicate in ways that confirm yourself. Respect diversity among people. Time conflict effectively Commit time Be flexible Bracket peripheral issues Show grace when appropriate—grant forgiveness, put aside your own needs, and help other save face even when no standard says we should do so.

Frameworks for Negotiation Distributive—zero-sum Integrative—non zero-sum Performative—acting out of intense emotion; goal is not outcome oriented

Violence and Conflict