Vicki & Dusty Rhoades CSM NPI Conference 22 February 2018 Fostering Relationships in Management Improve communication strategies for managers and foster quality interaction among colleagues. Vicki & Dusty Rhoades CSM NPI Conference 22 February 2018 Dusty: Brief greeting Vicki: I’m having second thoughts about this. What were we thinking? Shouldn’t Bush & Folger be doing this? Or Louise Phipps Senft or John Roberts and Karen Horton? Dusty: Don’t worry. We’re just sharing from our personal experience. They won’t know the difference. And there’s no need to convince or convert anybody. Vicki: How many of you are transformative mediators? How many of you have a pretty good understanding of what transformative mediation is but just came to watch us make fools of ourselves? Dusty: How many of you haven’t a clue what transformative mediation is, but you’re pretty sure it’s a cult following?

Session Goals Introductions Examine interaction among colleagues and volunteers What is most difficult? How does one move beyond it? Address the power of listening How much and how well do we listen? Listen like a dog? Reflective listening – demonstration & exercise Comments & Questions

Running a nonprofit would be so much easier if. . . Think about a difficult interaction with a colleague or volunteer. . . What was it about that interaction that was so difficult for you?

Exploring Conflict How do we experience it? Emotionally/Mentally Nervous Frustrated Confused Embarrassed Scared Angry Suspicious Betrayed Physically Upset Stomach Sweaty hands Trembling Headache Red in face Tears Blood pressure Heart rate Vicki: To understand conflict, we have to take a look at how it affects us.

What helps us resolve conflict? Pause and take a breath Feeling heard New information Gaining clarity Apology Vicki: What has helped you move forward….out of stuck feeling?

Responding Intentionally STOP Take a breath Give yourself time and space Have a limited response (e.g. “I need time to think about that.”) Observe What’s going on with self and other? Am I jumping to conclusions? Am I taking things too personally? What do I want to achieve? Proceed. . . Ask question to clarify understanding Listen vicki

How much and how well do we listen?

Listen Like a Dog. . . Without: Judging Giving advice Trying to fix the problem Offering an opinion Asking too many questions “Stealing” the other person’s story. vicki “Here’s why I will be a good person. Because I listen. I cannot speak, so I listen very well. I never interrupt, I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own.... Learn to listen! I beg of you. Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories.” The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. 2008

Profound Listening and Reflection Dusty and vicki

Community Mediation Centers in Calvert, Charles and St. Mary’s Counties. A resource for you. Dusty and vicki

Closing Comments or Questions? Dusty and vicki

Back-Up Slides

Responding Effectively to Conflict Rely on our ethical inner compass. . . A personal standard that allows us to assess and guide our behaviors and responses to conflict; Encourages us to act from our best human qualities and capacities; Helps us learn to live in a diverse world, struggling with difference and connecting with those with whom we disagree. When we respond intentionally, on the basis of our ethical inner compass, we are less likely to act in ways we will regret later. Understand that some conflicts cannot be resolved. They need to be managed over the long term. What one accomplishes in life doesn’t matter. How one lives it does. We believe that people have both the desire and the capacity to act in their own best interest while maintaining connection to others… It’s about the quality of the interaction, not the “issue”… Every intervention we make as a transformative mediator is tending to opportunities for empowerment and recognition, so as to improve the quality of the interaction… Focus is always on self-determination. Participants make decision from the moment they walk through the door – choosing where to sit, how to be addressed, whether they want ground rules or not, who speaks first and what they want to talk about.. Our intake could say “car crash”. We are not going to ask them any questions about a car crash… While primary focus is not agreement, our agreement rates compare favorably with those of other orientation… Conflict transformation happens naturally in other orientations, too – not just in transformative mediation. The difference is that transformative mediators offer interventions that focus upon it. Myth 1: Transformative mediators are like “potted plants” – largely inactive and reluctant to do much for the participants…

In Your Role as a Manager. . . What part does interaction with others play in your daily routine? When your colleague brings their conflict. . . How often do you experience a “crisis” in that interaction? What is the impact of those interactions? What is your goal as a manager and leader? We believe that people have both the desire and the capacity to act in their own best interest while maintaining connection to others… It’s about the quality of the interaction, not the “issue”… Every intervention we make as a transformative mediator is tending to opportunities for empowerment and recognition, so as to improve the quality of the interaction… Focus is always on self-determination. Participants make decision from the moment they walk through the door – choosing where to sit, how to be addressed, whether they want ground rules or not, who speaks first and what they want to talk about.. Our intake could say “car crash”. We are not going to ask them any questions about a car crash… While primary focus is not agreement, our agreement rates compare favorably with those of other orientation… Conflict transformation happens naturally in other orientations, too – not just in transformative mediation. The difference is that transformative mediators offer interventions that focus upon it. Myth 1: Transformative mediators are like “potted plants” – largely inactive and reluctant to do much for the participants…

Benefits of Responding Intentionally Assess the balance between self and other that you achieve in conflict interaction. Was reaching for this balance useful? What is the value of always trying to act with compassionate strength - independent of the substantive outcomes of the conflict? Gaining an inner-sense of strength, stability and calmness Making decisions that support our ability to continue to connect Being seen as someone who tries to “do right” no matter what difficult situation we face Becoming an influential role model for others Focusing on the way we act and react during conflict. We believe that people have both the desire and the capacity to act in their own best interest while maintaining connection to others… It’s about the quality of the interaction, not the “issue”… Every intervention we make as a transformative mediator is tending to opportunities for empowerment and recognition, so as to improve the quality of the interaction… Focus is always on self-determination. Participants make decision from the moment they walk through the door – choosing where to sit, how to be addressed, whether they want ground rules or not, who speaks first and what they want to talk about.. Our intake could say “car crash”. We are not going to ask them any questions about a car crash… While primary focus is not agreement, our agreement rates compare favorably with those of other orientation… Conflict transformation happens naturally in other orientations, too – not just in transformative mediation. The difference is that transformative mediators offer interventions that focus upon it. Myth 1: Transformative mediators are like “potted plants” – largely inactive and reluctant to do much for the participants…