How to improve your conversations Antonia Coppen, Career Zone

Aims and learning outcomes Identify meaning of assertiveness and benefits to you Gain an insight into your behaviour and others Examine the skills required to develop assertiveness Introduction to tools and practical techniques to improve confidence, emotional intelligence and assertiveness Practise assertiveness to develop effective communication Reflect on further resources 1

Self Awareness Tendancy towards passive behaviour Do you shrink away from situations which could be confrontational? Would you like to be able to express your own views more confidently? Tendancy towards passive behaviour Do you like to get your own way most of the time? Would you like to be able to influence people without upsetting them? Tendancy towards aggressive behaviour

Respectful assertiveness - belief in the rights to have rights Behaviour NEEDS OF OTHERS ____________ BALANCED ______________ YOUR NEEDS Respectful assertiveness - belief in the rights to have rights

Becoming assertive is not a mysterious gift. It is an attitude of mind and a series of skills. Once you have acquired these and have begun to put them into practise, managing people and situations becomes much easier. Kate Keenan, Assert yourself

Body language Body language has a significant impact on communication. How we communicate non-verbally affects how well our conversation is: received believed responded to

Body language How do you feel when you aren’t being listened to? How can you see someone is listening to you?

Emotional Intelligence Seek first to understand, then to be understood Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Ask yourself these 4 questions: What is going on in their world at the moment? What is important to them at this time? Am I listening to understand or listening to defend? Have I clearly communicated my perspective? Paul Magee, How to succeed with people

Right time, Right place, Right frame of mind

Assertive Communication Steps Active listening keep calm and focus, allow to speak, ask questions to clarify Demonstrate you understand Be aware of non-verbals. Consider their feelings - ‘Gift of the Gap’ Don’t label people - separate behaviour from the person Describe and express Use non-provocative language - state an issue clearly in factual terms Use ‘I’ (not ‘You’) to express the effect of an issue/behaviour on you, without venting actual emotions Specify what you want to happen Be clear and specific. Focus on changes in behaviour or actions to rectify issue, without recrimination Work out joint solutions and consequences Be open – be prepared for a ‘No’ or alternative view. Consider their ‘rights’

Assertive communication Trio Activity Follow the process. Do not discuss general solutions. By practising you will be able to see how it can work for you. A Briefly describe the scene and people involved Then assertive yourself – be yourself not acting B Pretend to be the other person in the situation while A practices being assertive with you C Observe the practice and give A feedback on the use of the ingredients rather than the solution. Positive and points for improvement A Accept the feedback

Resources Assert Yourself, Kate Keenan (2015) Bath: Pocket Manager Assertiveness at work, Ken Back and Kate Back (2005) Maidenhead: Mcgraw Hill Professional 10 ways to have a better conversation, Celeste Headlee www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation Paul Magee - How to succeed with people (How to reduce conflict and build better relationships) https://youtu.be/piNZI2nf6pY Your body shapes who you are, Amy Cuddy www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201801/5-benefits-asserting-your-needs-and-how-start-today Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships, Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2017) 10th ed. Oakland, CA Impact Publishers.  Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, Dr. Melanie Fennell (2009) London, Constable & Robinson Ltd Rational Emotive Behaviour: http://albertellis.org/rebt-cbt-therapy/ Johari’s window: www.open.edu/openlearn/education/learning-change/content-section-3.2.4