Atypical Parenting Advice for Raising Atypical Children How Parents Can Help Their Gifted Children Build Resilience and Healthy Self-Esteem Rachel Bailey, M.A., CPDPE Rachel-Bailey.com

www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com Introduction Mom of 2 Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator Experience as ADHD Coach, Academic Coach, in-home mentor, psychotherapist Clinical interest in resilience, self-esteem “Expert” at motivating better behavior and performance Real, imperfect parent providing tips for how to make this work in real life www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

What Are Resilience and Self-Esteem? Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again Self Esteem: “I can handle anything” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect” Resilience   Self Esteem www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Traditional Strategies Rewards / Consequences / Punishment Encouragement / Praise Consistency Patience Let them face difficult things www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Traditional Strategies Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Traditional Strategies Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Traditional Strategies Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it Consistency ...is difficult when you’re beyond exhausted www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Traditional Strategies Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it Consistency ...is difficult when you’re beyond exhausted Patience …ends at a certain point, and it doesn’t seem to lead to resilience www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Traditional Strategies Rewards / Consequences / Punishment …don’t work to actually shape behavior Encouragement / praise ...You use them but they don’t believe it Consistency ...is difficult when you’re beyond exhausted Patience …ends at a certain point, and it doesn’t seem to lead to resilience Letting them face difficult things… only increases their anxiety www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools… www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools… For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck” www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools… For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck” The Yuck Factor www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools… For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck” The Yuck Factor Yuck gets turned out, turned in, or numbed www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools… For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck” The Yuck Factor Yuck gets turned out, turned in, or numbed So… Rewards and punishments don’t work Patience doesn’t help Letting them fail only makes things worse www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that kids are missing specific tools… For example, the ability to handle discomfort, or “Yuck” The Yuck Factor Yuck gets turned out, turned in, or numbed So… Rewards and punishments don’t work Patience doesn’t help Letting them fail only makes things worse www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck Yuck happens when biological or emotional needs are not met www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck Yuck happens when biological or emotional needs are not met Biological Needs Sleep Food Match between environment and temperament www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Why These Don’t Work These strategies fail to consider that atypical kids likely have “extra” Yuck Yuck happens when biological or emotional needs are not met Biological Needs Sleep Food Match between environment and temperament Emotional Needs Connection Significance Capability Control Security www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

The (Atypical) Solution: Deposits www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided Withdrawals are going to happen www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided Withdrawals are going to happen Focus on making deposits www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided Withdrawals are going to happen Focus on making deposits Into Toolboxes www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Withdrawals Cannot Be Avoided Withdrawals are going to happen Focus on making deposits Into Toolboxes Into Emotional Needs www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation Deposits into Tools Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation Deposits into Tools Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation Emotional Regulation is about regulating our “Yuck” so we can PAUSE before reacting www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation Deposits into Tools Handling Yuck / Emotional Regulation Emotional Regulation is about regulating our “Yuck” so we can PAUSE before reacting What you can do to help with the PAUSE Model emotional regulation Give proof of safety Don’t over- or under-identify; observe www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into Emotional Needs The 5 Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into Emotional Needs The 5 Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into Emotional Needs The 5 Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into Emotional Needs The 5 Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences CAPABILITY: “And what do you need?” www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into Emotional Needs The 5 Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences CAPABILITY: “And what do you need?” SECURITY: Demonstrate that you’re on the same team without doing everything for them www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into Emotional Needs The 5 Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Family rituals, really listen SIGNIFICANCE: Remember what they say CONTROL: Let them have a say in plans and consequences CAPABILITY: “And what do you need?” SECURITY: Demonstrate that you’re on the same team www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting CONTROL: Make proactive plans www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting CONTROL: Make proactive plans CAPABILITY: Gather information (but also trust your instinct) www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Deposits into YOUR Emotional Needs CONNECTION: Be part of a group that gets it SIGNIFICANCE: Allow yourself to be real about parenting CONTROL: Make proactive plans CAPABILITY: Gather information (but also trust your instinct) SECURITY: Hear others’ stories www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

How This Leads to Improved Self-Esteem and Resilience Example: Your child was not invited to an event… again. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com Self-Esteem Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect” www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Self-Esteem Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect” Self-Esteem If they have experienced deposits into their need for connection, those “withdrawals” don’t have as much of an impact on self-esteem. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Self-Esteem Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect” Self-Esteem If they have experienced deposits into their need for connection, those “withdrawals” don’t have as much of an impact on self-esteem. …Especially if they also have deposits into significance, capability, control, and security. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Self-Esteem Self Esteem: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect” Self-Esteem If they have experienced deposits into their need for connection, those “withdrawals” don’t have as much of an impact on self-esteem. …Especially if they also have deposits into significance, capability, control, and security. They can still believe: “I can handle difficult situations” and “I am worthy of unconditional love and respect” www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult. But once we’ve taught tools for emotional regulation, they can learn how to feel the discomfort… and rise again. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult. But once we’ve taught tools for emotional regulation, they can learn how to feel the discomfort… and rise again. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Resilience Resilience: The ability to face obstacles and rise again Let’s be honest, this will STILL be difficult. But once we’ve taught tools for emotional regulation, they can learn how to feel the discomfort… and rise again. www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Consider which emotional needs in your child are low. TAKE ACTION Consider how you can teach emotional regulation, or healthy ways to deal with Yuck. How can you model emotional regulation? How can you make your child feel safe when they’re in Yuck? Consider which emotional needs in your child are low. What deposits can you make (that fit within your lifestyle)? www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com

Questions? (Please fill out comments sheet) www.Rachel-Bailey.com | 703-309-9131 | Rachel@Rachel-Bailey.com