The importance of self-esteem in children (and parents) Rachel Bailey, M.A., CPDPE

The Truth Behind Improving Behavior Often-requested topics as a Parenting Specialist How to get kids to listen / cooperate How to handle “drama” (tantrums, strong willed-children, disrespect) Improving morning, bedtime, and homework routines Decreasing fighting between siblings What I DON’T teach in order to improve behavior: How to get kids to be compliant / obedient Which punishment is most effective What I do address Self esteem Resilience Teaching parents how to help kids: Believe that they and are WORTHY OF RESPECT Possess the tools to face frustration, disappointment, uncomfortable emotions (and other emotions)

Why Self-Esteem Is So Important So much “negative” behavior is a symptom of NOT having positive self-esteem Disrespect Strong willed children Not standing up for self Mean to sibling POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM is correlated with Healthy assertiveness Polite, respectful behavior Healthy decisions Healthy relationships Positive risks NEGATIVE SELF-ESTEEM is correlated with Inability to stand up to bullies Self blame / inability to take responsibility High-risk behavior Difficult relationships Addiction Negativity Anxiety Depression (Research references available upon request.)

How We Can Build Kids’ Self-Esteem Not the usual things that we think: Telling our kids why they should like themselves Focusing on the thing they’re good at Being “nice” so they’re happy all the time What it comes from How we treat them Worthy of respect even (especially) when they mess up Giving them tools and opportunities for struggle Give themselves proof that they can fail and find a way out Teach them how to handle discomfort when they face an obstacle or frustration or disappointment

The Problem: The Pressure on US Most of us don’t feel fully confident as parents How can we when: We receive so much conflicting advice about what’s good for our children, or for us? We see how much we’re missing out on / not doing – or we’re overscheduled and in constant chaos & irritability We are judged about every aspect of our lives We are being told, by very powerful people, that we are not enough Our rocky foundation leads us to: Push our kids to be a certain way that we THINK will lead to their happiness; children view our respect as conditional Our insecurity makes us want to protect our kids from discomfort

Finding tools to believe we are enough. A Solution Finding tools to believe we are enough. Tuning out the noise (messages of what we’re supposed to be); tune into our instinct about what’s best for ourselves and our kids. Lie down at night not focusing on what we did wrong + everything we have to do the next day. Lie down relaxing, knowing that whatever we did – good or bad – we are worthy of respect. And that we can handle it. So that we can teach our children how to believe in and trust themselves.