Nonviolent Communication A Useful Strategy for Students, Parents, Teachers, & Partners Nicole Van Ness, PsyD, LMFT-S, AAMFT Approved Supervisor

Philosophy of NVC Violence and Non-violence Not merely physical aggression Compassion, Connection, Congruence Understanding and being understood: Empathy Starts with the self; then we can apply outwardly Respond vs. React Systemic and systematic

History of NVC The essence of NVC is timeless Marshall Rosenberg developed the model based on experiences in clinical psychology, meditation, and comparative religion, as well as segregating public schools and mediating between schools and students during civil rights events. Began trainings in the 1960s, opened the Center for NVC in 1984. Other names: Compassionate Communication or Collaborative Communications Used all over the world for peaceful negotiations and conflict resolution between individuals, groups, companies, communities, and countries.

Principles of NVC Four components and Two parts 4 Components: 2 Parts: Observation Feeling Needs Request 2 Parts: Empathy Honesty

Steps: Overview When I see that______________ (1. Observation) I feel ______________ (2. Feeling) because my need for ________________ is/is not met. (3. Need) Would you be willing to __________________? (4. Request)

1. Observation Actions Without judgment or evaluation of good, bad, right, wrong, better, worse, etc. Evaluation leads to defensiveness, fear, guilt, shame, which lead to promotion of violence, rather than connection of people Traps to avoid: Assessing someone’s ability or characteristics without their explicit agreement (e.g., she is a procrastinator; you are too nice) Confusing prediction with certainty (e.g., if you smoke, you’ll die) Implying certainty without exception (e.g., He won’t finish on time, or their marriage will never work)

2. Feelings Noticing evokes feelings, thoughts and meanings Learn to distinguish between them Focus on feeling/emotion Traps to avoid: Confusing thoughts with feelings (e.g., “I feel that you should know better” or I feel like there is no point”) Using language that identifies how we think others are behaving treating us, rather than our own feelings about that behavior (e.g., misunderstood, ignored, undervalued instead of anxious, hurt, sad, disappointed)

3. Needs Other-awareness: understanding that others have needs, too Values, needs, things of importance Associated with particular feelings when needs are met and are not met Self-awareness: understanding your own needs Blame/criticize self Sensing our own feelings/needs Other-awareness: understanding that others have needs, too Blame/criticize the other Sensing other’s feelings/needs Traps to avoid: Impersonal/vague (e.g., it, that, etc.) Focus on blame, or other’s actions (e.g., I’m angry because you lied)

4. Requests Clear, concrete, present-moment Attune to everyone’s needs Specific, positive, action-oriented language Traps to avoid: Negative language (e.g., “you never spend time with me”) Vague, unspecific, or accusatory (e.g., “I wish you would’ve been more responsible”) Demanding instead of requesting

Practice When I see that______________ (1. Observation) I feel ______________ (2. Feeling) because my need for ________________ is/is not met. (3. Need) Would you be willing to __________________? (4. Request)

References and Resources The Center for Nonviolent Communication 9301 Indian School Rd NE Suite 204 Albuquerque, NM 87112-2861 USA Tel: +1.505.244.4041 | Fax: +1.505.247.0414 | US Only: 800 255 7696 www.cnvc.org Rosenberg, M. B. (2002). Living nonviolent communication: Practical tools to connect and communicate skillfully in every situation. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd Ed.). Encinitas, CA: Puddledancer Press. Leu, L. (2015). Nonviolent communication companion workbook, 2nd edition: A practical guide for individual, group, or classroom study. Encinitas, CA: Puddledancer Press.

Contact Me Dr. Nicole Van Ness LMFT-S (#202824), AAMFT Approved Supervisor, Sole Proprietor at Connected Couples Individual, couple, family, & group therapy; Sex therapy Office: 110 W. Randol Mill Road, Suite 201 Arlington, TX 76011 Phone: 858-356-7444 Email: connectedcouples1@gmail.com