Introduction to Shame Part 1. The Nature of Shame September 2014

Defining the Experience of Shame: The roots of the word ‘shame’ are thought to have been traced back to an older Germanic word meaning to: ‘cover, veil or hide’. Wurmser (1995) suggests that the notion of hiding or ‘to cover oneself’ is central to the concept of shame. Hall (2014) suggests that the meaning of shame is to hide or cover literally or figuratively. To hide or cover is a natural expression of shame both positive and negative.

Necessary Parker Hall:2014 suggests: Shame is one of the primary regulators of social restraint. Is an Important and Powerful Emotion. Is a Natural Regulator of Moral Transgression. Is essential in our socio-emotional development including attachment as it uniquely promotes sociability by acting as a restraint in self centeredness and egotism. Has a major function of restraint which enables / allows us to hide and this can be seen as an important method of protecting ourselves. (Coping Mechanism)

Shame and the Development of Our Conscience By alerting us to misconduct or wrongdoing - to transgression in whatever form. Shame motivates necessary self-correction. Shame alerts us not only to transgression but also to any affront to human dignity, by motivating the eventual correction of social indignities. Shame motivates social change. In the history of peoples, shame was identified with honour and pride. (eg. He brought dishonour onto his family by committing a crime) (Kaufman: 1993)

Shame and the Development of Our Identity. No other feeling is more central to forming our identity, it can control who we are and who we become. Our sense of self, (individually and universally) is deeply embedded in our struggle with feelings of shame. Kaufman (1993) suggests; answers to the questions; ‘Who am I’, and ‘Where do I belong’ are linked in shame as it acutely disturbs who we believe we are. Shame disrupts our natural emotional functioning ability. Shame is central to our conscience, dignity and identity.

Shaming and Destructive Qualities Parker –Hall (2014) suggests; that shaming can take on a destructive quality in a child’s development based on verbal reprimands that attack the still developing sense of self. Three Styles of Maternal Disrupted Communication Hostile through criticism and ridicule Withdrawn and Fearful through repeated rejection of the child’s bids for emotional connection.

Hope ‘the child learns that shame states do not signify complete disruption in attachment bond and that they can be regulated. Through the repeated experiences of this kind the child and caretaker learn to negotiate emotional attunement and mutuality in their relationship. No Hope ‘dis-organised attachment where the primary attachment figure is a source of unremitting shame.. she forms an internal working model of relationship in which her basic needs are inherently shameful’. ( Hermann:2007)

Introjects from Parents Created by Shaming Don’t Think … (do as I tell you) Don’t Feel … (because I can’t manage it) Don’t be You… (be who I need you to be) Don’t be important …(more important than me) Don’t succeed …(and make me look bad) (Wheeler:1996)

Helen Lewis (1987) suggests that: Shame is a hidden emotion and the ‘sleeper’ in psychopathology. Miller (1996) suggests that shame is the bedrock of all psychopathology. He suggests that there has been a neglect of other emotions and their interaction with shame: Shame and anger. Shame and Anxiety Shame and depression. Shame and Humiliation Shame and Love Shame and Intimacy Shame and identity

What is Shame? It is more than a feeling It is a set of physical responses. (eg looking down, blushing) Combined with predictable actions. (eg. Such as hiding or withdrawing.) Uncomfortable thoughts. (eg. I am a failure or unlovable.) Spiritual despair

What is Shame and Why is it so Hard to Talk About it? We all have it. Shame is Universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. We’re all afraid to talk about shame. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

There are a couple of very helpful ways to think about shame: First shame is the fear of disconnection We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love and belonging. Connection along with love and belonging is why we are here and what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection-it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to or a goal that we’ve not accomplished make us unworthy of connection. I am not worthy or good enough for love, belonging or connection. I am unlovable. I do not belong.

The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that SHAME is: The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It affects our: Self esteem Identity And pursuit of intimacy

Categories of Shame: Appearance and Body Image. Money and Work. Motherhood / Fatherhood. Family. Parenting. Mental and Physical Health Addiction. Sex. Aging. Religion. Surviving Trauma. Being Stereotyped or Labeled Culture. Sexuality.

Positive Shame Creates when Needed An interruption to contact between people. it is about pulling back, protecting ourselves. It can also be: An inevitable companion to the Learning Process. A method of providing appropriate contact. A regulator of contact between people by providing appropriate protection. Healthy shame will prevent people disrespecting another by asking intrusive questions. It creates healthy boundaries.