LESSON 11 HANDLING CONFLICT

“You’re wrong” means, “I don’t understand you “You’re wrong” means, “I don’t understand you.” “- I’m not seeing what you're seeing.”

But there’s nothing wrong with you But there’s nothing wrong with you. You are simply not me and that’s not wrong. - Hugh Prather

All couples disagree. When two people disagree, family patterns and behaviors come out.

The actual occurrence of conflicts doesn't seem to be the main factor that indicates the health of the relationship.

There are indicators that predict better which couples will likely do well together and which ones may have more problems:

How well partners are able to solve the conflicts between them. How well the partners maintain friendship and commitment between them

HOT TOPICS FOR COUPLES: MONEY In-laws Jealousy Children Friends Religion Sex Unimportant STUFF Time Priorities

Most conflicts in relationships centers around misunderstanding and miscommunication between partners.

If people are not able to work out their differences in a positive way, the relationship will not be very healthy.

…every conflict is unsolved until your partner surrenders. IF YOU BELIEVE: You must be right… …every conflict is unsolved until your partner surrenders.

You cannot survive rejection… IF YOU BELIEVE: You cannot survive rejection… … you will strive to please your partner at all costs.

IF YOU BELIEVE: 3. You must be in control to be recognized… … you can expect conflict to be a part of your relationship.

… you can expect disappointments because no one can be. IF YOU BELIEVE: You must be perfect… … you can expect disappointments because no one can be.

4 DANGER SIGNS ESCALATION INVALIDATION NEGATIVE INTERPRETATIONS (Negative Communication Patterns) ESCALATION INVALIDATION NEGATIVE INTERPRETATIONS WITHDRAWAL (If you’re doing these. They don’t work!)

ESCALATION Three ways to fuel escalation: Insult the other person Don’t stay on topic at hand Make a situation bigger than it already is Each person gets more emotional and intense, causing conditions to get WORSE.

INVALIDATION Putting down or disregarding a person’s views, feelings, behavior Invalidation always hurts, but it’s even more damaging from someone we love or value. Negative patterns predict the health of a relationship better than positive patterns. It takes more positive statements to balance out hurtful statements.

NEGATIVE INTERPRETATIONS When the listener hears the message more negatively then the sender meant it. For example: Mom says: “You need to pick up your room now.” Kid hears: “You’re mad and you’re yelling at me again.”

WITHDRAWL The pursuer begins talking about a problem. Pulling away from a discussion...or refusing to talk about an issue. The pursuer begins talking about a problem. The withdrawer sees discussion as unnecessary or uncomfortable and tries to avoid it. The pursuer get distressed and pushes harder. The withdrawer becomes more determined not to talk about it. The pattern continues while the frustration continues for both.

RELATIONSHIPS DO BETTER WHEN: Partners feel safe to communicate. Establishing rules for disagreement and having a plan for resolving differences respectfully helps a relationship succeed.

Dealing with conflict guidelines: Agree on the rules of discussion,……good decisions are rarely made in anger. Either partner can call a Time Out at any time…. Time and place. Don’t bring up past hurts. Give equal time. Be prepared to compromise.

SPEAKER/LISTENER TECHNIQUE: Rules for the speaker: Speak for yourself. Don’t mind-read! Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on.

SPEAKER/LISTENER TECHNIQUE: More rules for the speaker: Stop to let the Listener paraphrase. Use “I” statements. “I get angry when….” “I think we…” (Speak for yourself, don’t blame by using “YOU”)

SPEAKER/LISTENER TECHNIQUE: Rules for the Listener: Paraphrase what you hear. Focus on the Speaker’s message. Don’t rebut.

SPEAKER/LISTENER TECHNIQUE: Active Practice