1.1

SESSION 1 Parenting a child with special needs 1.2

PARENTS OF A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS FACE PARTICULAR CHALLENGES Standard parenting advice often doesn’t work. Other people don’t understand what it’s like. It’s easy to feel frustrated and isolated. 1.3

What ground rules do we want in this group to help it run smoothly? GROUP AGREEMENT What ground rules do we want in this group to help it run smoothly? 1.4

TIME OUT FOR PARENTS AIMS TO: increase your confidence in your skills and abilities to “parent” help the relationship between you and your child even better than it is now teach skills for help your children to raise their self esteem 1.5

TIME OUT FOR PARENTS AIMS TO: work out the best way to effectively discipline your child give you tools to help you in your relationship with your child’s other parent or carer and to encourage mutual support provide you with greater support where you would like it 1.6

SESSION PLAN What are special educational needs? Course outline Reaching their potential In for the long haul 1.7

WHAT ARE SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL NEEDS? Learning difficulties Emotional and behavioural difficulties Developmental disorders Speech and language problems Hearing or visual impairment Physical conditions Medical conditions 1.8a and 1.8b

JUGGLING ISSUES 1.9

TIME OUT FOR PARENTS – CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS Parenting a child with special needs Helping self esteem Coping with feelings Understanding behaviour Managing behaviour Home and school issues The wider family 1.10

What concerns would you like to deal with during the course? PARENTS’ CONCERNS What concerns would you like to deal with during the course? 1.11

GETTING TO KNOW YOU! One of my strengths as a parent is… One thing I love about my child is… 1.12

BREAK 1.13

REACHING THEIR POTENTIAL Can you think of one unexpected thing that your child has already achieved which surprised and pleased you? 1.14

HELPING YOUR CHILD REACH THEIR FULL POTENTIAL Acceptance is not giving up – and it’s constant! Invest energy into overcoming difficulties Don’t underestimate potential To be fully involved in society 1.15

What do you do to keep yourself going? IN FOR THE LONG HAUL What do you do to keep yourself going? 1.16

TAKING TIME OUT FOR YOU ISN’T SELFISH, IT’S SURVIVAL! 1.17

INVOLVING THE FAMILY Aim for a consistent approach Share your new ideas or discoveries with your partner or others who share in the caring Use this opportunity to strengthen family relationships 1.18a and 1.18b

REFLECTION Introductions Made a group agreement Aims of the course What are special educational needs? Course outline Reaching their potential In for the long haul 1.19

FOCUS FOR THE WEEK Doing something nice for YOU! Tell your child what you love about them 1.20

We will look at helping build your child’s self-esteem NEXT WEEK We will look at helping build your child’s self-esteem 1.21

SESSION 2 Helping build self esteem 2.1

SESSION PLAN What is self-esteem? The importance of play Special time Finding something your child can achieve Parenting styles Meeting emotional needs 2.2

WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM? The way we feel about ourselves deep inside The self-esteem of children with special needs is fragile and can be easily damaged They need: To be encouraged Someone to believe in them To feel loved To feel competent 2.3

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO BOOST YOUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM? Be their greatest fan! Don’t “obsess” about your child’s special need. Avoid discussing their needs in their presence. Pick out specific behaviours and small achievements to praise. 2.4

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO BOOST YOUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM? Involve them as far as possible in the management of their condition. Don’t compare them unfavourably with their brothers and sisters. As far as possible, treat them the same as your other children. Reassure them that they will always be loved. 2.5

SHOWING LOVE THROUGH THE SENSES Love is communicated in many different ways… We can communicate love to children with more severe disabilities through the “senses”. 2.6

THE IMPORTANCE OF PLAY Play is a vital part of a child’s physical, emotional, social and brain development cognitive and language social skills creative skills and imagination manipulative skills and physical exercise feelings and emotions 2.7

STAGES OF PLAY Solitary play Parallel play Co-operative play 2.8

SPECIAL TIME Child’s choice of play Don’t interfere Occasionally comment Sometimes sit quietly and enjoy Try playing by yourself if child is shy Observe what they’re doing Join in at their request 2.9

PLANNING ‘SPECIAL TIME’ Could you plan a “special time” ? How often? How long do you think it should be? What would your child like to play (or do)? 2.10

BREAK 2.11

FINDING SOMETHING YOUR CHILD CAN ACHIEVE Boosts confidence Builds self esteem 2.12

FINDING SOMETHING YOUR CHILD CAN ACHIEVE What does your child enjoy doing that you can encourage? 2.13

THERE ARE DIFFERENT RECOGNISED STYLES OF PARENTING Permissive Authoritarian Authoritative/assertive 2.14

PERMISSIVE 2.15

AUTHORITARIAN 2.16

AUTHORITATIVE/ASSERTIVE 2.17

WHICH STYLE DO YOU MOST RELATE TO? 2.18

OVER-PROTECTIVENESS Are there any dangers to being over-protective? Aim to strike a balance! 2.19

MEETING EMOTIONAL NEEDS Attention Acceptance Appreciation Encouragement Affection Respect Support Comfort Approval Security 2.20

MEETING CHILDREN’S EMOTIONAL NEEDS Which need does your child particularly like to be met? Think of two ways you could meet this need 2.21

REFLECTION Reviewed focus for the week What is self-esteem? The importance of play Special time Finding something your child can achieve Parenting styles Overprotectiveness Meeting emotional needs 2.22

FOCUS FOR THE WEEK Have ‘special time’ with your child Give ‘overheard’ praise Meet one of your child’s emotional needs Read the article ‘Welcome to Holland’ 2.23

We will look at coping with feelings NEXT WEEK We will look at coping with feelings 2.24

SESSION 3 Coping with feelings 3.1

SESSION PLAN Labelling Talking to your child about their condition Handling other people’s comments Reactions and feelings Coping with feelings 3.2

LABELLING “We felt for a long time that something was wrong. It was a relief when someone put a name to it.” “Ben’s got ADHD so we can’t expect him to behave properly.” 3.3

THE PROS AND CONS OF LABELLING When a child gets a diagnosis, they also get a ‘label’ What are the advantages of labeling? Are there any disadvantages? 3.4

TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THEIR CONDITION Talk naturally and simply about your child’s condition Talk in a way that they will understand The whole family will benefit Helps prevent anxieties and isolation 3.5a and 3.5b

HANDLING OTHER PEOPLE’S COMMENTS How do you cope with other peoples comments about your child or their behaviour? 3.6a and 3.6b

HOW DOES YOUR CHILD COPE WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S COMMENTS? 3.7a and 3.7b

BREAK 3.8

REACTIONS AND FEELINGS “I didn’t want to talk about it with other people just after the diagnosis because doing that would mean that it was real – that it was true. I was struggling to accept that it was really true and not just a mistake the specialist had made.” 3.9

STAGES OF GRIEF Kubler-Ross Description Parent’s reaction Denial It can’t be true! They’ll grow out of it. How could this have happened? Anger It isn’t fair this is happening. This has spoilt my/our life. How can God do this to me? 3.10

STAGES OF GRIEF Kubler-Ross Description Parent’s reaction Bargaining If my child gets well, I’ll devote the rest of my life to doing good. Grief Begin to face what’s happening. Shattered dreams of having a ‘perfect child’. Feel sad and vulnerable. Acceptance This is the situation I’m in. I’ll do what I can. 3.11

ACCEPTING OUR FEELINGS These feelings are normal They don’t make you a bad parent Best acknowledged - not buried Other family members have feelings too and may be at different stage of acceptance 3.12

CARE FOR THE FAMILY Parent Support – Children with Additional Needs Telephone befriending service 029 2081 0800 3.13

REFLECTION Reviewed focus for the week Labelling Talking to your child about their condition Handling other people’s comments Reactions and feelings Coping with feelings 3.14

FOCUS FOR THE WEEK Tune in to your feelings Try and identify one emotion each day Tell someone how you feel (or write it down) 3.15

We will be looking at understanding behaviour NEXT WEEK We will be looking at understanding behaviour 3.16

SESSION 4 Understanding Behaviour 4.1

Understanding behaviour All behaviour has a goal SESSION PLAN Boundaries House rules Routines Understanding behaviour All behaviour has a goal 4.2

UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR ALL parents struggle with children’s behaviour This is more so if their child has special needs Realistic expectations Why children behave the way they do 4.3

BOUNDARIES Parents may feel their child with special needs already has enough to cope with, so it’s kinder to let them behave how they like. Is this a good policy? 4.4

THE NEED FOR BOUNDARIES When children know what is expected of them they feel: Loved Safe Secure 4.5

What rules do you have or would like to have in your home? HOUSE RULES What rules do you have or would like to have in your home? 4.6

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS How realistic are your house rules for your special needs child? How will this affect the other children? Do you need to relax or adapt any? 4.7

ROUTINES What routines does your family have? Routines give children a sense of security Make life easier for parents 4.8

BREAK 4.9

UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR What is this child trying to communicate? 4.10a and 4.10b

UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR What is this child trying to communicate? 4.11a and 4.11b

CHILDREN ‘ACT OUT’ THEIR NEEDS AND FEELINGS 4.12

ALL BEHAVIOUR HAS A GOAL 4.13

ABC OF UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR A – Action What happened before behaviour occurred? B – Behaviour What exactly did the child do? C – Consequence What happened next 4.14

WHAT WAS THE POSSIBLE GOAL BEHIND THE BEHAVIOUR 4.15 Who wins?

WHAT WAS THE POSSIBLE GOAL BEHIND THE BEHAVIOUR 4.16

DETECTIVE SHEET A. What happened just before the behaviour? B. What exactly did your child do? C. What happened next Possible goal or need? 4.17

REFLECTION Reviewed focus for the week Boundaries House rules Routines Understanding behaviour All behaviour has a goal 4.18

FOCUS FOR THE WEEK Play detective this week – focus on one behaviour you want to tackle With the whole family – agree a few House Rules to follow this week Encourage each other when you succeed 4.19

We will be looking at managing behaviour NEXT WEEK We will be looking at managing behaviour 4.20

SESSION 5 Managing Behaviour 5.1

SESSION PLAN Managing behaviour Triggers and patterns Principles of managing behaviour Rewarding behaviour The behaviour “toolkit” Troubleshooting Choices and consequences 5.2

MANAGING OUR BEHAVIOUR If we really want our child’s behaviour to change we have to change ours first 5.3

MANAGING BEHAVIOUR Aim to: Speak in a calm, friendly way Watch what you say Treat them kindly Give them time and attention Try to understand the goals and needs behind their behaviour Change is possible – but it takes time. 5.4

DETECTIVE SHEETS What did you discover from the detective sheets? Did you find any triggers or patterns to your child’s behaviour? 5.5

GIVE TIME AND ATTENTION From session 2, remember… Sometimes children act up because they are not getting enough attention Where possible have a ‘special time’ 5.6

AIM TO BE CONSISTENT 5.7

COMMUNICATE CLEARLY Eye contact Tone of voice Simple commands Explain calmly Check understanding 5.8

PROMPTS Visual - Show picture of tap Physical - Hand over child’s hand to assist turning tap on Modelling - Watching someone turn tap on and copying Gesture - Pointing to tap Verbal - “Turn on the tap” 5.9

REWARDING BEHAVIOUR Behaviour that is noticed increases Behaviour that is ignored decreases 5.10

What rewards does your child really appreciate? 5.11

PRAISE Children can’t get enough praise So your child knows exactly what they have done, it needs to be: Specific Accurate Concrete “I’m so pleased you gave Gran a nice hug.” 5.12

BREAK 5.13

THE BEHAVIOUR TOOL KIT Tokens in a jar To encourage positive behaviour Star chart To encourage and help children do routine tasks Limited choice To encourage co-operation 5.14

TROUBLESHOOTING Trial and error Ways to cope Know when to back off Don’t go on a guilt trip 5.15

TROUBLE SHOOTING Planned Ignoring Remove Distract/humour Time out Withdrawing privileges Choices and consequences 5.16

CHOICES AND CONSEQUENCES 5.17

PATIENCE AND PERSISTENCE! Choose your battles Decide what behaviours you can afford to ignore Use distraction techniques 5.18

REFLECTION Reviewed focus for the week Managing behaviour Triggers and patterns Principles of managing behaviour Rewarding behaviour The behaviour “toolkit” Troubleshooting Choices and consequences 5.19

A behaviour you want to deal with Specific strategy to try FOCUS FOR THE WEEK A behaviour you want to deal with Specific strategy to try Use the rewards you have identified 5.20

We will be looking at home and school NEXT WEEK We will be looking at home and school 5.21

SESSION 6 Home and school 6.1

SESSION PLAN Home and school issues Children’s services Rights and responsibilities Provision for Special Educational Needs Statements Tips on learning and social skills Communicating with professionals 6.2

HOME AND SCHOOL ISSUES What issues do we want to cover today? Focussing on positive ways to work together with schools and health professionals to get the best for our children 6.3

BASIC PRINCIPLES FOR CHILDREN WITH SEN Access to a broad, balanced and relevant education Views of children should be taken into account Normally met in mainstream settings Extra resources require a Statutory Assessment of need 6.4

RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES Parents treated as partners Play an active role in child’s education Know what their child is entitled to Make their views known Access to information, advice and support Keep records of absolutely everything! 6.5

PROVISION FOR SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL NEEDS - PROCESS Identification of possible SEN Assessments are made Changes in classroom management School action Individual Education Plan (IEP) School Action Plus Statutory assessment Statement of SEN Note in lieu 6.6

WHAT IS A STATEMENT? (Co-ordinated Support Plan in Scotland) A Statement/Co-ordinated Support Plan (CSP) gives details of a child’s special educational needs together with the arrangements for meeting them. Most children with special educational needs will not need a Statement/CSP. 6.7

BREAK 6.8

HOW CAN WE HELP OUR CHILDREN? To organise what they need for school To be as independent as possible To learn to listen to instructions To know how to ask for help 6.9

COMMUNICATING WITH PROFESSIONALS How do you feel when you have to see a professional (Teacher, GP, Educational Psychologist) about your child’s needs? 6.10

COMMUNICATING A CONCERN Think of a problem, real or imagined, that you are having with your child’s school or education. ‘B’ is a teacher or professional working with your child, and you have an appointment to see them Treat ‘B’ as aggressively as you can! Imply they aren’t doing enough about the problem 6.11

HOW TO PLAN AND PREPARE FOR MEETINGS Decide exactly what to say Use the Positive-Negative- Positive Sandwich 6.12

POSITIVE-NEGATIVE-POSITIVE SANDWICH Start with a positive comment State your concern End with a positive 6.13

What one thing are you taking away today? REFLECTION What one thing are you taking away today? 6.14

What ONE thing do you want to focus on this week? FOCUS FOR THE WEEK What ONE thing do you want to focus on this week? Encourage one aspect of your child’s learning 6.15

We will be looking at the wider family NEXT WEEK We will be looking at the wider family 6.17

SESSION 7 The wider family 7.1

SESSION PLAN Dads Brothers and sisters Grandparents and other relatives Take a break Setting up a support group 7.2

WHAT’S IT LIKE FOR DADS? My family become public property All my partners time is taken up with our special needs child I feel excluded from discussions with professionals What about how I feel? 7.3a and 7.3b

WHAT HELPS? Attend appointments together Keep dads involved in discussion Share feelings Develop other interests Make time for each other 7.4

WHAT ABOUT BROTHERS AND SISTERS? Every parent feels guilty - but parents of special needs children feel doubly guilty because they also worry about neglecting the needs of their other children 7.5

BROTHERS AND SISTERS How has your special needs child affected brothers or sisters, or wider family members? What tips do the group have to help? 7.6

BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE TOO IMPORTANT TO IGNORE Make time for them Keep them involved Don’t take their good nature for granted Let them have a life of their own 7.7

GRANDPARENTS Grandparents grieve too - they sometimes struggle to understand Be understanding of how they feel Tell them how they can help The may struggle to come to terms with your child’s special need 7.8

HOW SUPPORTIVE HAVE GRANDPARENTS AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS BEEN? What helps? Make family visits short and sweet Give them information to explain your child’s condition Encourage a child to bring along a favourite toy or book 7.9

BREAK 7.10

GIVE TIME TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP Look for ways of taking a break Find out about respite care Ask relatives/friends to babysit Join a support group 7.11

ACCESS TO RESPITE CARE Don’t be afraid to ask for help Ask your Children’s Services Department to assess you for regular caring breaks Ask family and friends for help Don’t feel guilty 7.12a and 7.12b

SETTING UP A SUPPORT GROUP You could set up your own support group Help is available: Contact a Family www.cafamily.org.uk 0808 808 3555 7.13

REFLECTION Reviewed focus for the week Home and school issues Children’s services Rights and responsibilities Special Educational Needs provision Statements Tips on learning and social skills Communicating with professionals 7.14

FINAL THOUGHTS What have you enjoyed most about the course? What is the main thing you learnt from the course? Name one hope that you have for your family’s future. 7.15

THANK YOU FOR COMING 7.16 www.careforthefamily.org.uk