Prevalence of Personality Disorders National Institute of Health and National Institute on Results From the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions study of 35,000 people completed in 2008 and published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry show that Personality Disorders in the general population in the United States is around 21.52% (over 1 in 5 have a diagnosable PD). These disorders that are most frequently found in high conflict legal disputes are as follows:  

Results of Wave II Study Personality Disorder Percentage of Population Highest Age Group Male/Female Narcissistic 6.2% 20-29 age group ---9.4% Slightly more male Borderline 5.9% 20-29 age group ---9.3% Equal male and female Paranoid 4.4% (18-29 age group ---6.8%) Slightly more female Antisocial 3.6% (18-29 age group ---6.2%) Significantly more male Histrionic 1.8% (18 -29 age group---3.8%)

Our World Today: 20 – 30% of all divorces in the United States will become High-Conflict.* Total # of High-Conflict Divorces: * University of Utah study 2003 ** US Census 2007

Stress Driven Everyone has components of PDs Stress drives the behavior to act out. Reducing the stress by creating an environment of disengagement reduces the conflict

What happens to the nervous system in conflict when there is too much contact

22 indicators Hand Out

Co-Parenting Parallel Parenting Child focused. Adult focused. Parents communicate regularly. Parents communicate over emergencies. Parents can communicate in person or over the phone. Parents use email, text messaging, or a third party (attorney, mediator or mutually agreed person). Major decisions about the child are discussed jointly. Major decisions are “communicated” rather than discussed. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child. Households are separate. Each makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household. Parents work together in the best interest of the child. Parents work separately for the best interests of the child. Allows smooth transitions from one home to the other. Culture changes for the child may be abrupt. Use the “transition tradition” to lower the abruptness. Allows for schedule change – can be flexible and negotiable. Written parenting plan or court decree is followed exactly. Parents need an external authority when appropriate (Parenting Coordinator). Parents may be able to discuss issues between other parent and child. Each parent is responsible for own relationship with child. “I am sorry, this is Mom’s/Dad’s House, we have different rules”. Differences between Co and Parallel Parenting

The Argument For Parallel Parenting Model Most all people when separating are looking for autonomy and when there is constant interaction that process is interupted

Benefits & Steps to Parallel Parenting Co-parenting only exacerbates the problem Contact = Conflict Orientation stays in past and therefore in the conflict Parallel Parenting provides a platform for disengagement from the conflict Re-directs the parents’ attention away from the conflict and toward the children Future Oriented Solution Oriented DO NO HARM Mom’s House / Dad’s House = Child & Parent Empowerment Requires that only one parent be educated in parallel parenting Addressing Safety Concerns Need for Mental Health Professional for children It only takes one parent to make the change

High Conflict and Co-Parenting When High Conflict is the situation Co-Parenting is most likely to be a problem creator rather than a good solution. These parents likely have always had different parenting styles and it has been a cause for much of the ongoing conflict both pre and post separation. One parent will use the co-parenting conversation as a manipulation rather that cooperation. This creates more conflict rather than less

Co-parenting only exacerbates the problem Parallel Parenting Co-parenting only exacerbates the problem Platform for disengagement from the conflict Addressing Safety Concerns Need for Mental Health Professional for children Stipulation for same without blaming When Co-Parenting doesn’t work

Establishing Boundaries Need for iron-clad parenting plan Exchanges Holidays Contact Need for boundaries

Removing the Child From Conflict: Disengagement No Verbal Communication Emails Only when necessary Communicate only facts regarding child Faxes and text messaging: Same rules apply Use of Online Parenting Calendars like Our Family Wizard Disengagement as a tool to reduce conflict

Fewer Exchanges

Age appropriate

Neutral Site Exchanges No At the house or curbside School Exchanges Neutral Site Exchanges No At the house or curbside

Fewer Parent Initiated Phone Call Scheduled Phone Calls Skype?

Holiday Schedules

Components for Dealing with Future Conflict

Establishing a Mental Health Resource for Child(ren)

Mom’s House & Dad’s House Removing the Child From Conflict: Mom’s House & Dad’s House “Mom’s House” & “Dad’s House”. A simple and effective concept that sets boundaries around the two separate worlds of the parents. Different rules for “Mom’s House” and “Dad’s House” Children adapt to each house Safety concerns about other parent’s home Let the children work out their own relationship with the other parent Keeping one’s own house “clean”, as opposed to attempting to influence the other house, is a vital component of successful parallel parenting The idea that parents were on the same page in the relationship and are just now arguing about parenting styles is absurd. Much of the ongoing conflict is a carry over from

Step-Parents & Significant Others Dealing with new step-parents or boy/girlfriend Step-parents or boy/girlfriends are part of the other house The step-parent should stay out of the argument between the children’s parents Getting involved in the old marital dispute only makes the step-parent a target Getting involved has a negative effect on the current marriage or relationship Involvement in the dispute takes away positive interaction with both partner and children and interferes with the new step-parent/child relationship The same “Moms house”, “Dads house” rules apply It can be very helpful if the new partners are educated in the High Conflict Diversion model

Conclusion: While experts agree that co-parenting provides the optimum outcome for children, in High Conflict divorces an attempt at co-parenting can actually exacerbate the conflict. In these situations, the best gift we can give the child is to have at least one stable, calm parent. If as professionals we can identify High Conflict divorces at an early stage and can create parenting plans that adequately address the needs of the High Conflict parents and refer the parents to programs that will teach them how to reduce the conflict, the chances for a good outcome will be greatly enhanced.