MANAGING YOUR SELF AS YOU RELATE TO OTHERS 1

KNOW THY SELF the enneagram can help you with…

Self Differentiation The capacity to define self to others and still stay connected with them by: Becoming aware of the particular lens through which we are looking at the world. Becoming aware of the particular lens through which others might be looking at the world.

Understanding three basic needs 1. Autonomy. 2. Attention. 3. Security.

When these needs are threatened, encroached upon or not being met there is…

ANXIETY

Anxiety Basic human emotion present in every person and within every relationship. Automatic response to a threat – real or imagined. Derives from the Latin verb angere, meaning “to cause pain by squeezing.” Other words hewn from the noun form angustia – include anger, angst, and angina. Not something that simply happens within us. Anxiety connects us.

And as we grow anxious we tend to employ… ONE OF THREE BASIC STRATEGIES TO GET THESE NEEDS MET: Close examination of our personality portfolio reveals an investment (i.e. pattern) of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that 1. Demand either autonomy, attention or security. 2. Withdraw for either autonomy, attention or security. Or 3. Try to earn either autonomy, attention or security.

The Emotional Process The ongoing connections between people through emotional expressions; but known in actions and reactions; always interactive; emotion is never singular. We live in emotional systems (everything is mutually influenced) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kyfm5_LLxow

Interrelated/Interdependent

YOU ARE PART OF AN EMOTIONAL SYSTEM that has developed a homoeostatic balance which counts on you functioning according to your patterns. When you begin to grow and change those patterns the system becomes….

ANXIOUS

For the reason that those around you… 1. Often don’t understand 2 For the reason that those around you… 1. Often don’t understand 2. May avoid taking responsibility for their own functioning. 3. Are likely to consciously or unconsciously apply emotional pressure (togetherness pressure) intended to restore balance to the system. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS STAY FOCUSED ON SELF STAY THE COURSE & REALIZE…

The importance of maintaining a non-anxious presence. Regulating one’s anxiety; not being automatic or reactive Getting to know your “buttons” or blind spots helps you avoid Reactivity (Automatic, instinctive, rigid, obsessive, compulsive, defensive, with little thought or feeling reflexive) and be non-reactive (reflective, intentional, objective, more clarity.)

Your “Response” Ability Put the oxygen mask on your self first, THEN others. Developing a good inner observer.

Re-Pattern Negative Emotional Circuitry: The part of the brain that gets activated under stress stays active long after stressful situations are over, which may explain why it’s hard for many people to let stressful feelings go. And the brain is also a pattern-matching system that scans for what’s familiar. When a stressful situation occurs, the brain scans its memory banks looking for previous stressful experiences until it perceives a match. Then it triggers the same emotional reactions you had the previous time – like anxiety, hurt, resignation or depression. -- Institute of Heart Math GET TO KNOW YOUR ANTS (Automatic, Negative Thougths) AND TRY THE FOLLOWING…

* Refusing to be coerced, willed or threatened by others into taking responsibility for them or their pain. * Containing your own reactivity to the reactivity of others. * Containing your own anxiety in relation to the anxiety of others. Don’t be a carrier. * Remembering that other people’s issues are their own. * Remembering that other people’s problems do not belong to you. * Remembering that you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions or reactions. * Living by your own goals rather than by others’ expectation of you.

Accept anxiety, tension, and pain as part of the human learning process with out feeling a need to relieve or run from it. REMAIN PRESENT

THANK YOU Personality Portfolios Nine portfolis you want in yours This presentation is based on my own studies, my certification and work with the enneagram, my work as a Healthy Congregations workshop facilitator and 21 years of experience as a Lutheran pastor. http://www.personalityportfolios.com