Conflict Paradigms I win/ You win You win I win I lose/ You lose Concern for harmony and relationships I win Concern for ideas/issues Desire to break harmony/relationships I lose/ You lose I win/ You lose

Mediators Qualifications Roles: Situations Trusted by both sides Appropriate social skills Wisdom and status Neutrality Roles: Observer Chair Referee Prompter Arbiter/Judge Situations Trade Marriage Contracts Disputes

Non-Western Conflict Metaphors (Augsburger, Conflict Mediation across Cultures, p. 49) Duel Boxing match Foot race Soccer match Auction or sale Bargaining or trade Popularity contest Dividing the pie Arm wrestling Court of law Arbitration

Conflict Choices We hope for and expect unity and connection, but the expectations of others are not identical to ours Thus, a “conflict incident” occurs . . . and we may react destructively without thinking and we begin to harbor pain which leads us to develop, harbor or reinforce negative stereotypes we withdraw we become aggressive . . . . .. Or we may try to react constructively We reflect on the cause. . . and our reaction may subside We choose an appropriate conflict strategy We re-observe the situation, resolve we work to understand forgive . . . causing a reaction

Seeing Forgiveness in Context We will see the importance of forgiveness as a central category in relating to others to the extent that we see every relationship enmeshed in a war that leads to a taste of heaven or hell. Allender and Longman, Bold Love, p. 88

Forgiveness Developing the Craft Our ability to forgive is founded on our being forgiven Forgiveness is not an end in itself; it has the goals of reconciliation and communion Forgiveness is not limited to a technique or set of steps, it is a lifestyle to be developed Forgiveness is a craft requiring the discipline of developing habits and practices which reflect Godly character There is no way to bypass the struggle in developing the craft of forgiveness

Forgiveness The Act of Forgiving Forgiveness Does NOT Involve . . . Forgiveness Does Involve . . . Being content with asking God to help Recognizing that God does help; but I must make the choice; it is a crisis of my will Forgetting what happened or Denying the truth of my hurt or Letting >time heal everything’ Honestly admitting my pain Justifying or Excusing or Tolerating what happened Being strong enough to hold the offender accountable, recognizing the debt that comes with pain Waiting until the offender apologizes or Taking revenge before you forgive Agreeing to live with the consequences of another person's sin by freely choosing to release the debt and accept the pain that comes with its release

Cross-Cultural Principles Duane Elmer, Cross-Cultural Conflict The degree to which shame, face, and honor are core cultural values will determine how important it may be to choose an indirect method. If the other person has had extensive exposure to Western culture, sensitive directness may be acceptable, understood and not offensive. All forms of confrontation should occur in private, if possible, so as to minimize any loss of face. Familiarize yourself with the stories, parables, fables, legends, and heroes of the culture in order to appropriately interpret their use in conflict situations.

Cross-Cultural Principles (cont) Duane Elmer, Cross-Cultural Conflict Understand the various indirect methods used in your host culture and be alert to which ones are used and under what circumstances. Build a close relationship with a host-culture person who will be able to help you interpret confusing situations. Ask God for help in understanding and applying unfamiliar conflict resolution strategies. Scripture is the final judge of all cultural forms; prayer and discussion may be required before some cultural expressions are embraced.

Developing Conflict Competence Choose to work on keeping things in Kingdom perspective Grow in extending forgiveness Develop a range of conflict styles Work to be able to set aside direct confrontation Grow as an observer of the communication methods used in the new culture (e.g., mediation, the use of passive vs active language, proverbs, etc.) Grow in your toleration of ambiguity Practice re-framing--consciously changing your communication and conflict styles to meet the expectations of the new culture