Challenging Conversations Together Welcome Housekeeping - Fire exits, Loos, Break, Water, Phones Ground rules – confidentiality – write on flip chart Icebreaker?

Housekeeping Fire exits Loos Tea & Coffee Breaks What would make this session safe for you? Phones Confidentiality Etc etc

Objectives By the end of this session, you will be able to: Understand what makes a conversation challenging Plan for conversations which may prove challenging Practice managing yourself in difficult conversations Use reflection after difficult conversations to improve or consolidate learning

In Groups discuss the following:- What is a challenging conversation? What makes a conversation Challenging? After feedback: Feedback might be: Giving personal feedback – you have BO Performance related feedback Another persons behaviour is affecting you Permission for something Some people may give actual examples

What makes conversation challenging? What happened Feelings Identity http://m.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3799 What happened – people have different perceptions of whats happened Feelings – It may trigger all kinds of feelings that we have no idea are there – sadness, anger, history Identity – You can say Nurse, parent, receptionist, daughter, son etc We all have a picture of our own identity and when it is challenged we fight back.

How we communicate

Listening… a real skill Drawing exercise – words alone... Take feedback you need to hear not just listen check your intention to listen don’t wait for an opportunity to respond repeat what they say or paraphrase look interested make eye contact ask open questions You need to hear what they are saying not just act like you are listening Check your intention to listen Repeat what they say or paraphrase Ask open questions Look interested Make eye contact Think of personal examples of when you have felt really listened to what was the person doing, saying, how where they demonstrating to you they where listening?

The first conversation to have is with yourself. What is the issue/ problem? Why is it bothering you? What emotions are attached to the situation? What options do you have? Occasionally you will have time to plan your conversation. Having this conversation if you have time, might just determine what a problem is and it if warrants a challenging conversation. It is important before you do anything to establish exactly what is going on within you! I am going to give you a handout with 3 different types of questions on, using all of these can help you get to the route of a problem, you start quite simply by asking What is the problem? The next set of questions you use are the thinking / fact finding to gather more information about the problem When you are satisfied you have enough understating you can then move onto feeling questions – ask as many as you need to and then move onto Willing questions By exploring the actual problem more deeply you can gain a better understanding of it yourself! Exercise – give list of questions and get into pairs. Work on a real life issue. Using the Coaching questions hand out.

Managing yourself in the conversation - If possible arrange them rather than have them when angry. - It’s ok to say – lets stop if the conversation is getting out of hand, if its important to maintain relationship. Victor Frankel – he coined this phrase ‘your freedom is to choose your response’ take your mind away from where he was and how he was going to use those when he was lecturing his psychology students after the war. The fact he was creating a future helped him to survive. Even when every other freedom had been taken away – no one could take away your freedom to choose your response. Only takes a second to choose your response. Keep Calm Keep Control slow down think speak slower breath deeply Ask them to talk in two’s describe a conversation that they have had that has become challenging. - What was it that made it challenging? What helped? What hindered?

Think about Opening lines You will trigger identity conversation Look for a third story Think like a mediator Invite rather than impose Agree outcomes (not yours or mine but ours )

Think about Manage internal stress Manage body language Voice volume pitch tone Establish empathy Tackle a small thing first Negotiate to find a solution Agree the solution

Remember this betaris box model. This is about managing yourself again. Attitude and behaviour becomes a cycle Example – if we start the day feeling a little negative or gloomy that effects how we behave, when we get to work our attitude which has affected our behaviour can have an impact on the person you sit next to this in turn makes their attitude affect their behaviour and so on it goes… The important thing to remember here is you have a choice… you can choose to not accept the negative feeling in the first place which turns the whole cycle into a positive one It is also important to recognise this when you are having challenging conversations, the cycle may begin with the other person but it is still your choice to amend your own attitude and behaviours Remember 90 seconds!

Managing the situation Confront it Understand the other persons position as well as your own Define the problem from what you observe Search for solutions. Think win win Do what you say.

think about listening to them helps them to listen to you. be authentic don’t worry about words authenticity comes from intent manage your internal voice don’t make statements disguised as questions don’t ask questions to cross examine Ask open questions Ask for concrete information. Can you give me an example?

think about make it safe not to answer check your understanding show that you have heard acknowledge their feelings empathy is a journey not a destination beware self sabotage

think about what matters most say what you mean don’t make them guess. have a BUT phobia don’t present your conclusions as the truth Don’t exaggerate with always and never

How we treat others and how they treat us Nurturing Controlling This is a psychological intervention Transactional Analysis, we are going to explain a very small aspect of it which we think helps particularly when having a challenging conversation Within us we all have these ego states we can all be adult, we have all been children and we can all take the role of parent. There is two types of parent, controlling and nurturing. There are two types of child, free and adapted. All of these states are acceptable to be in different circumstances… So what do you think a controlling parent might look and sounds like? And if someone was talking to you like that how might you behave? If a colleague was behaving like a free child how might we naturally behave? Ideally a challenging conversations will remain adult to adult – what do you think adult to adult behaviour looks like? Adapted Free

Practice Preparation is key: use a real life challenging conversation to prepare yourself for the conversation that needs to take place or has taken place. undertake the conversation. an observer will feedback

The seven key components 1. Name the issue 2. Select an example 3. Describe your emotions 4. Clarify what’s at stake 5. Identify your contribution 6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue 7. Invite a response If you are in the conversation whether planned or not these 7 steps will help? - If possible arrange them rather than have them when angry. - It’s ok to say – lets stop if the conversation is getting out of hand, if its important to maintain relationship. Victor Frankel – he coined this phrase ‘your freedom is to choose your response’ take your mind away from where he was and how he was going to use those when he was lecturing his psychology students after the war. The fact he was creating a future helped him to survive. Even when every other freedom had been taken away – no one could take away your freedom to choose your response. Only takes a second to choose your response. Keep Calm Keep Control slow down think speak slower breath deeply Ask them to talk in two’s describe a conversation that they have had that has become challenging. - What was it that made it challenging? What helped? What hindered?

Summary. Learn their story Express your views and feelings Problem solve together. What is your intention? Be clear and brief Look for Win Win