Having Difficult Conversations Webinar Johsua Koepp

Source Material Authors Douglas Stone Bruce Patton Sheila Heen

Engage More Confidently Desired Outcomes Understand Structure Engage More Confidently Move Toward Learning

For Greatest Benefit Identify a conversation. Apply ideas. Visualize yourself there. Apply ideas.

Structure Difficult Conversation Feelings Conversation What Happened Feelings Conversation Identity Conversation

What Happened Conversation Who said what? Who meant what? Who’s to blame? Who is right?

Example I’m really swamped. Can you help me out with this project? It’s due on Thursday. He said help. What does help mean? What level of quality? What exactly do you need Thursday?

What Happened Gremlins Misunderstanding Blame Frame Intention Invention Truth Assumption

Misunderstanding Angry Resentment The Truth Assumption Misunderstanding Angry Resentment (BTW) I’m Right Other ways wrong One Right Way

Truth Assumption Tip Certainty Curiosity

Appreciate their story. CertaintyCuriosity Different Information Interpretation Past Experiences Appreciate their story. Arguing Blocks Us

The Intention Invention Misunderstanding  Diabolical Assumptions Worst If-Then Why?

Intention Invention Tips: Explain Intentions Avoid Assumption Reflect on Motivation Have a Hypothesis Listen Past Accusations

Fearful Resentment  Toxic Environment The Blame Frame Fearful Resentment  Toxic Environment Blame Cover Not Me Fault

Blame Frame Tips Seek to Understand Focus on Solutions Map Contribution Start with you. Listen Reflectively

The Contribution System Contribution is Easier to Raise Contribution Encourages Learning and Change Move from certainty to curiosity Adopt the “AND” stance.

Certaintly to Curiosity = Contribution My Contribution Their Contribution Other’s Contribution And Stance Curiosity

Feelings Conversation Difficult Conversation What Happened Feelings Conversation Identity Conversation

Feelings Conversation Asks… Are my feelings valid? Are my feelings approprite? Should I acknowledge or deny them? Should I leave my feelings at the door? What do I do about another’s feelings? What if they are angry or hurt?

We try to frame feelings out…yet They leak in… burst… Sabotage listening… Sabotage relationships

A way out of the feelings bind: Find where your feelings hide. Explore your emotional footprint. Accept that feelings are normal/natural. Good people can have bad feelings. Your feelings are as important as theirs.

You might have hiddens feelings if… Judgments Attributions Blame Accusations

A way out of the feelings bind: Negotiate with feelings…could it be…? No venting: Describe feelings carefully. Frame feelings back in (if possible). Express the full spectrum of feelings. Don’t evaluate, just share.

A Way Out of the Feelings Bind (continued…) Find Your Feelings: Learn Where Feelings Hide Find Feelings Lurking Under Attributions, Judgments, and Accusations Lift the Lid on Attributions and Judgements Use the Urge to Blame as a Clue to Find Important Feelings

A Way Out of the Feelings Bind (continued…) Don’t Evaluate Just Share: Express Your Feelings Without Judging, Attributing, or Blaming Don’t Monopolize: Both Sides Can Have Strong Feelings at the Same Time An Easy Reminder: Say “I Feel...” The Importance of Acknowledgement

A Way Out of the Feelings Bind (continued…) Don’t Treat Feelings As Gospel: Negotiate with Them Don’t Vent: Describe Feelings Carefully Frame Feelings Back into the Problem Express the Full Spectrum of Your Feelings Don’t Evaluate--Just Share

Feelings Conversation Difficult Conversation What Happened Feelings Conversation Identity Conversation

Identity Conversation: Am I competent or incompetent? Am I a good or bad person? Am I worthy of love or lovable? Impact on my self-image or well-being

Identity Quakes Knock Us Off Balance Exaggeration I did mean to. I always do that. Denial. I didn’t mean to. I never do that. We let their reaction define us. Was I like that? Did I mean to be?

Ground Your Identity Three things about you: You will make mistakes. Your intentions are complex. You have contributed to the problem.

Ground Your Identity Adopt the “AND” Stance: I am a good manager, AND I lost an important contract. I am a good caring person, AND I terminated care. I am a good trainer, AND I forgot to reply to student’s reflection..

Conversations: Ground Your Identity Let go of trying to control their reaction. Prepare for their response. Take a break. Imagine it’s three months or ten years from now.

Final identity points: Ground Your Identity Final identity points: Their identity is also implicated. You can raise identity issues explicitly. Find the courage to ask for help.

Certaintly to Curiosity = Contribution My Contribution Their Contribution Other’s Contribution And Stance Curiosity