The Five Love Languages Teenagers

Presentation Disclaimer Every Family System is Unique Every Teenager is Unique Brain Functioning Genetic Temperament Some Approaches are Better Suited to Different Adolescents

The Family System: What Does a Child Need The adolescent belongs to a system What is going on in that system? Developmental Changes Connection - Regulation – Autonomy Connection- emotional bond Regulation- rules and structure Autonomy- independence (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, relational)

Connection Love languages Regulation is related to love Can you love to much? No! Don’t confuse love and control.

Love Languages Everyone has a Love Tank We Receive Love Differently There are Five Primary Love Languages Words of Affirmation Physical Touch Quality Time Acts of Service Gifts

30 Second Love Language Test I feel loved when people express how grateful they are for me, and for the simple things I do I feel especially loved when a person gives me undivided attention and spends time with me I feel especially loved by someone who brings me gifts and other tangible expressions of love I feel especially loved when others do things for me I feel especially loved when a person expresses love through physical contact

Words of Affirmation Love Language #1 During and Unsure Time They Need to be Assured Words of Praise (focus on behavior) Be Sincere Be Specific Words of Affection (focus on teenager) “I love you” When and Where “I enjoy you” “You’ are _____ (great, wonderful, …..”

Physical Touch Love Language #2 Time The anti-touch time Place Public Settings (autonomy) Appropriate Manner for Physical Touch Hug, Back Rub, Hold Hands, Pats etc. Just because you like it doesn’t mean they do Example: “I feel like a kitty” Physical Touch to Correct A Word to Fathers Daughters- Physical Dev.; Sons- Boy Code Abuse

Quality Time Love Language #3 Challenges Movement Towards Peers is Normal Giving Undivided Attention Challenges (Time and Focus) Proximity is not Togetherness Sports Focus on the Teenager Quality Activities (Plan with Them) Focus on Hearing not Saying (next slide)

Guidelines for Quality Conversations Maintain Eye Contact Don’t Multitask Listen for Feelings Observe Body Language Refuse to Interrupt Ask Reflective Questions Express Understanding Ask Permission to Share Your Perspective Rate Differences Average rate of speech is125 to 175 words per minute whereas the brain can process 500 to 1,000 words a minute (challenge to not wander in our thoughts)

Interpersonal Communication Model Noise Interference Noise Interference Senders Actions (Public) Effect On Listener (Private) Senders Intentions (Private) Senders Style Of Encoding Listeners Style Of Decoding

Acts of Service Love Language #4 Attitude Daily and Mundane Acts: Duty or Loving Service? Manipulation or Behavior Modification I will do _____ if you will ______. Modeling and Reciprocal Love Teach Independence Guideline: Do acts of service for them that they cannot do for themselves Family Game “I really appreciate that…”

Gifts Love Language #5 Gift- a visible, tangible evidence of emotional love Greek word for gift (charis)- undeserved gift Undeserved, Not a reward, not a manipulation Gift Giving and the Ceremony Jacob “We love you and want you to have this” Jesse “We love you and would like to pay for..” Counterfeit Gifts- gifts designed to take the place of true love You Cannot Buy Love

Discovering Their Love Language Parental Flexibility Developmental Changes Mood Changes Due to Environment Steps to Discovery Ask Questions What would make our relationship better? Make Observations How do they show love? Experiment Treatment= Tx (Tx1 then Tx2 then Tx3 etc…) Give them a choice between Tx1

Discovering Their Love Language You Possess the Power to Determine a Child’s Love Language by What You Do or Do Not Do.

Love and Anger The adolescent belongs to a system What is going on in that system? Developmental Changes Connection - Regulation – Autonomy Connection- emotional bond Regulation- rules and structure Autonomy- independence (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, relational)

Regulation Special Family Forum Rules about Rules Rules should be as few as possible Rules should be as clear as possible Rules should be as fair as possible Rules about Consequences Should be determined before a violation Should be administered with love Should be administered with consistency Teresa Langston

Autonomy Psychological Control Controlling the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions of the child. The message is that I don’t trust you to think for yourself. Low self-esteem, poor motivation, poor decision making and problem solving skills.