Love & Logic The Basic Principles of Love & Logic Brittni Fudge, MA, NCC

Two Rules of Love & Logic Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, threats or repeated warnings. Adults remember that it’s their job to set these limits. They also remember that it is the children’s job to test them. As a result, adults only set limits they know are enforceable. Adults provide choices within limits to share healthy control and thinking. Two Rules of Love & Logic

Two Rules of Love & Logic Rule #2: When children misbehave and cause problems, adults hand these problems back in loving ways. Adults hope that children make plenty of small, “affordable” mistakes. Adults provide strong doses of empathy before holding them accountable for the consequences of such mistakes. Adults delay consequences, when necessary, so that they can respond with wisdom and compassion. Children are given the gift of owning and solving their problems. Two Rules of Love & Logic

The 8 Essential Skills 1. Neutralize Arguing 2. Delay the Consequences 3. Empathy 4. The Uh-Oh Song 5. Develop Positive Relationships 6. Set Limits with Enforceable Statements 7. Sharing Control Within Limits 8. Guide Students to Own and Solve Their Problems The 8 Essential Skills

#1 Neutralize Arguing Step 1: Go Brain Dead It will do no good to reason with a child who wants an argument Step 2: Choose a One-Liner & say it with empathy “I respect you too much to argue.” “I know.” “Probably So.” “I’m sure it seems that way to you.” Step 3: Do not attempt to think Choose a one-liner you like and become a broken record Step 4: If the child continues to argue… Calmly repeat one-liner. Use an enforceable statement such as, “I am happy to discuss this further when your father gets home from work.” or “I am happy to discuss this with you after all your toys are picked up.” Always remember to continue with what you’re doing. A child won’t argue long without an audience. #1 Neutralize Arguing

#2 Delayed Consequence What’s the problem with immediate consequences? What do you say instead of giving an immediate consequence? “Oh no. This is sad. I’m going to have to do something about this. We’ll talk later.” “I’m too angry to think straight. I make better decisions when I’m calm; we’ll talk then.” When you develop the consequence: Ask for suggestions from others Get support from all adults in child’s life (teachers, nanny, relatives, etc) Plug the holes in your plan (make sure it works!) 1. With immediate consequences, teachers and parents react before taking time to anticipate potential problems with the consequences they’re providing; react before getting essential support from other adults (other teachers/administrators/parents), doing dicsipline when they adult and child are too angry to think, lose control and do things or say things they wish they hadn’t. #2 Delayed Consequence

#3 Empathy Empathy opens the heart and mind to learning. Anger and frustration shut the door on learning. Empathy makes it harder for kids to blame us for the consequences of their poor decisions. Threats or lectures make it really easy for kids to blame us for the consequences they experience. The Love and Logic approach won’t work without the empathy. In fact, if there’s no empathy, there’s no Love & Logic! #3 Empathy

How do you remember to use empathy when you’re angry? Memorize just one empathetic statement: “Oh, no. That’s never good.” “This is so sad.” “What a bummer.” “This must be tough.” “Ohhh…” Remember, you are SAD not MAD! Your non-verbal communication is important; they will be able to tell if you’re not sincere. What if you’re too angry to think straight? “I’m too angry to think straight. I make better decisions when I’m calm. We’ll talk then.” #3 Empathy continued

1. Instead of making threats or giving warnings, sing, "Uh- oh" and take action ~ Maybe you'll carry your child into the bedroom and say, "Looks like you need a little bedroom time or private time to pull yourself together." Or "Looks like you need a little crib time or playpen time." Or maybe you'll take away an offending object and say calmly, "All gone!" Whatever action you'll take begins with "Uh-oh!" Why? Because singing this simple song really communicates, "You're such a great kid, and I am such a great parent that I can handle you without yelling, without frowning, and without stressing myself out." Parents also report that singing, "Uh-oh" also helps them stay calm. #4 The Uh-Oh Song

The Uh-Oh Song continued 2. Gently lead or carry your child to his or her room ~ Make the room safe ahead of time. Wise parents remove anything that they don't want broken. 3. Give your child a choice about the door ~ "Do you need the door shut, or open?" If a child comes out before she's ready, then shut the door and make sure that it stays shut. Turn the lock around. Put a towel on top of the door; wedge it tightly so she isn't strong enough to pull it open. Put a latch on the outside. Whatever is safe and easily done. Remember to stay just outside the door (but no talking through the door:). The Uh-Oh Song continued

The Uh-Oh Song continued 4. Say, "Feel free to come out when you're acting sweet " ~ Don't let your child out until she is calm. Some kids need temporarily extended time limits. In fact, some children, the first few times using this technique, will need to be in the room for more than hour. It's okay to check on child from time to time, but a kid really needs to stay in there until she's ready to behave. Parents using this technique report that the time required begins to shorten very quickly if they remain consistent. * Most kids are smart enough to figure out the misbehavior doesn't pay. There may be an extended initial period of adjustment, but that behavior usually starts to fade out rather rapidly - as long as parents don't interact with a child while he or she is in the room. The best way to make this technique backfire is to use too many words.* The Uh-Oh Song continued

The Uh-Oh Song continued 5. Do not lecture or remind when your child is ready to come out. ~ This is the time to give a Big Hug and move on with your day. If your child acts up again in a few minutes, just sing "Uh-oh" and repeat the technique. Some kids require more than one or two trips when they're first learning about "Uh-oh". Don't sweat it. That's normal. The Uh-Oh Song continued

#5 Positive Relationships Extensive research shows that we cannot influence children in a positive way until we create a connection with them. It is a brain (and heart) thing. Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and first heal the relationship. Connection creates a sense of safety and openness. Punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming create fight, flight, or freeze. "Connection Before Correction" is, “I love you; and the answer is no.” Rewards, consequences, and techniques don’t work with challenging kids unless you have a relationship with them. The “one-sentence intervention” is a Love and Logic favorite for building relationships with students. #5 Positive Relationships

Tips for Building Relationships Spend special time with children. What could create a greater connection for your child than to know your enjoy spending time with him or her? Listen. Really listen. Stop doing whatever you are doing and give your child your full attention. Validate your child's feelings. Don't we all feel connected when we feel understood? Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to. Children feel a connection when you respectfully share something about yourself. Focus on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period. Ask curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Sincere questions open the heart and the rational brain—equaling connection. Hugs. There are times when all of us need nothing more than a hug. Tips for Building Relationships

#6 Setting Limits with Enforceable Statements Every time we tell a stubborn child what to do, we hand them our power! Example: Adult: “Stop that.” Child: “You can’t make me.” Result: The child has the power, not the adult! What’s the solution to this? Never tell a tough kid what to do. Describe what you will do or will allow instead. #6 Setting Limits with Enforceable Statements

#6 Setting Limits with Enforceable Statements The Enforceable Statement: “I allow as long as it doesn’t cause a problem.” Examples: “I allow kids to play in my bedroom as long as it doesn’t cause a problem.” “I read when it’s quiet.” “I’ll listen to kids whose fingers aren’t in their noses.” Limits are enforced when the adult does not engage in arguments about the limits. #6 Setting Limits with Enforceable Statements

More Enforceable Statements - Examples You may join the group when you are calm. I’ll listen when your voice is calm. You may play with your friends as long as there is no name- calling. We will stay outside as long as there are no problems. Snack time is for children who wash their hands. I take kids to the park when their toys are all picked up. I read to kids who are sitting still. Feel free to keep the toys you pick up. More Enforceable Statements - Examples

#7 Sharing Control Within Limits (Giving Choices) The more control we give away, the more we keep. Share the control you don’t need so that you can maintain control that you do. Share control with children by giving them choices. Wise parents anticipate difficult situations and offer choices BEFORE their kids have a chance to argue or resist. When things aren’t going well, you can say, “I’ve given you lots of choices. Now it’s my turn to decide. I need you to … please.” When things aren’t going well, you can say, “I’ve given you lots of choices. Now it’s my turn to decide. I need you to … please.” #7 Sharing Control Within Limits (Giving Choices)

Guidelines for Choices Guidelines for giving choices: Give 99% of them when all is going well Remember that when we give choices after kids become resistant, we look powerless and actually reward resistant behavior. For each choice, give two options, each of which you like. If you don’t get an answer in 10 seconds, you decide. If the child chooses an option you didn’t offer, choose for them. Use care not to disguise threats as choices. Choices delivered with sarcasm or anger aren’t really choices. Guidelines for Choices

Are you going to put your socks on first or your pants on first? Do you want peas or carrots with your dinner? Do you want to wear the red pants or the blue pants? Do you want to walk on the sidewalk or do you want me to carry you? Do you want to put your pjs on first or brush your teeth first? Do you want to read 1 book or 2 books? Examples of Choices

#8 Guide kids to own & solve their problems Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy. “On no. That is a problem. I bet that’s really upsetting.” Hand the problem back. After you’ve proven that you care, ask: “What do you think you might do to solve this problem?” Ask permission to share what ‘some kids’ have tried. Avoid giving suggestions until you’ve asked: “would you like to hear what some kids have tried?” Provide 2-3 alternatives for solving the problem. Remember to avoid resistance by saying, “Some kids decide to . How would that work for you?” Allow the child to solve or not solve the problem. Resist the urge to tell the child which alternative to pick. End the session by showing your faith in the child: “Good luck! Let me know how it turns out.” This process is designed to get kids to think more about their problems than we do. 1. Empathy allows the child to stay calm enough to solve the problem and learn from it. #8 Guide kids to own & solve their problems

Tips for getting started… Start slow. Pick just one Love and Logic technique and begin to experiment. Here are some examples to chose from: Neutralizing arguing with the Brain Dead/one-liner technique Showing empathy before delivering consequences Setting limits with enforceable statements Sharing control through lots of small choices Building relationships using Connection Before Correction Handing the problem back to the child Tips for getting started…

Upcoming L&L classes Love & Logic Classes at Monarch Montessori: Dates: Mondays April 22, April 29, May 6 *this is a 3-part classes, participants are expected to come to all three sessions Time: 6:00-8:30 Cost: $60/person or $90/couple, this includes 1 workbook (additional workbooks can be purchased for $10)   To register: 1)  send the correct amount to Brittni via paypal, using brittni.fudge@gmail.com.  2) Email Brittni with your name, phone number, address, and ages of your children.  Once your payment and email are received, your spot is saved in the class.   Upcoming L&L classes

Information in this presentation was gathered from the Love and Logic Institute: Jim Fay & Charles Fay, Ph.D 2207 Jackson St. Golden, CO 80401-2300 800-338-4065 www.loveandlogic.com Credits