Marriage Matters: Built to Last February 12, 2012 Truth and Love: The Basis for a Safe Marriage Presented by Pastor Jim Ennis

REVIEW Last week we talked about how the basis for a great marriage is being friends…best friends…spiritual friends. Your spouse is your covenant partner (Proverbs 2:17).

REVIEW Timothy Keller writes that Marriage…is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be…our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us. John Ortberg writes that To love someone is to desire and work toward their becoming the best version of themselves.

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. ~ Ephesians 4:15 Marriage has the power of truth (facing the worst), the ability to reveal to you who you really are, with all your flaws. How wonderful that it also has the power of lovean unmatched power to affirm you and heal you of the deepest wounds and hurts of your life.

The point is thistruth and love need to be kept together, but it is very hard. When we are hurt, we use the power of truth without love. The fury and pain of such encounters can lead to the mistake of trying to love without telling the truth, though in the end this does not lead to anyone feeling loved at all.

Truth without love ruins the oneness, and love without truth gives the illusion of unity but actually stops the journey and the growth. The solution is grace. The experience of Jesus grace makes it possible to practice the two most important skills in marriage: forgiveness and repentance. Only if we are very good at forgiving and very good at repenting can truth and love be kept together.

Promise & Expansion Resolution Contraction & Betrayal

Stage One: Promise and Expansion A good marriage is supposed to be one where each spouse secretly thinks he or she got the better deal. ~ Anne Lamott Love is an agreement on the part of two people to overestimate each other. ~ E.M. Cioran

Stage Two: Contraction and Betrayal Negative Sentiment Override The final demise of a marriage is when right isnt right enough. ~ Gary Smalley A University of Washington study revealed that couples who enjoy a highly satisfied marriage maintain a five to one ratio of positive to negative interactions.

Stage Three: Resolution Successful resolution usually involves at least five choices or actions by a couple: Accommodation or Foreclosure Negotiation and Re-negotiation Accept Repair Attempts Turning Toward your spouse instead of Away or Against Repentance and Forgiveness

The Unspoken Drama of Repentance and Forgiveness 1 st movement: Wipes tears and blows nose with tissue 2 nd movement: Wifes body moves away from husband 3 rd movement: Her left hand holds her right arm 4 th movement: Husband reaches over to hold wifes hand 5 th movement: Her body turns toward her husband 6 th movement: She lays her head on his shoulder as he puts his arm around herboth bodies are now turned toward each other 7 th movement: Wife lifts her head from his shoulderhusband slides his arm under her arm pit to hold her right arm Final movement: They stand for closing song with arms around each others waist

Promise and Expansion: a couples characteristic way of being happy Contraction and Betrayal: a couples characteristic way of fighting Resolution: a couples characteristic way of solving problems