A Path to Healing and Peace. The Book of Forgiving A Path to Healing and Peace.

Beginning the Journey

Stone Ritual Carrying the Stone You will need a palm-size stone.     For the space of one morning (approximately six hours) hold the stone in your non-dominant hand. Do not set the stone down for any reason during this period.     At the end of six hours, journal.

Stone Ritual Carrying the Stone What did you notice about carrying the stone? When did you notice it the most?     Did it hinder any of your activities?     Was it ever useful?     In what ways was carrying the stone like carrying an unforgiven hurt?     Make a list of the people you need to forgive in your life.     Make another list of all those you would like to have forgive you.

Forgiving is a process of letting go Think of the things you must give up or let go of in order to forgive. The list might include things like the right to revenge or the expectation of an apology. It might even include having to give up an expectation that the person who hurt you will understand the pain they have caused.

1. What would be the best outcome you could imagine, if you were to forgive?     2. How would your life be different?     3. How would your relationships be different— both your relationship to the one who harmed you and your relationships with others?

Telling the Story & Naming the Hurt

Recapp We all experience pain. It’s not always deserved nor is it always fair. Yet it happens, and it is what we do next that matters most. We can always make a choice: Path of Revenge or Path of Forgiveness

The Path of forgiveness means we recognize that we must give up all belief that we can change the past.

The journey to acceptance begins in pain and ends in hope.

On the journey to forgiveness we begin by telling the story: our story.

We may need to tell our stories many times over, to many different people, and in many different forms before we are ready to move forward in the forgiveness process. We also may find that just telling our stories relieves a burden we have carried. When we tell our stories, we are practicing a form of acceptance. When we tell our stories, we are saying, “This horrible thing has happened. I cannot go back and change it, but I can refuse to stay trapped in the past forever.” We have reached acceptance when we finally recognize that paying back someone in kind will never make us feel better or undo what has been done. To quote the comedian Lily Tomlin, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” Tutu, Desmond; Tutu, Mpho. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (p. 120). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.

Why tell Your story? Telling the story is how we get our dignity back after we have been harmed. It is how we begin to take back what was taken from us, and how we begin to understand and make meaning out of our hurting. Tutu, Desmond; Tutu, Mpho. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (p. 96). HarperOne. Kindle Edition. Emphasis is mine.

Why tell Your story? In the beginning, your memories and your facts, depending on what the trauma is and when it happened, may be fragmented and hard to articulate. They may not follow a chronological order or be told in a linear fashion. Tutu, Desmond; Tutu, Mpho. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (p. 99). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.

Why tell Your story? The more you tell it, the less frightening it can become. When you tell your story, you no longer have to carry your burden alone.

Why tell Your story? The more you tell it, the less frightening it can become. When you tell your story, you no longer have to carry your burden alone.

Deciding Whom To Tell? It is not always possible or even practical to tell the perpetrator. You have to be sure they will not do you more harm. It could be a trusted surrogate (therapist, clergy, loved one, trusted friend)

Deciding Whom To Tell? If there is no one you trust, you can always write your story in a letter to the person who harmed you, even if it is a letter you cannot send. The most important thing is to acknowledge the harm that happened.

Holy Listening Do not question the facts. Do not cross-examine. Create a safe space. Acknowledge what happened. Empathize with the pain

Telling your story to the perpetrator Difficult- easy for people to feel attacked and get defensive. Affirm their importance to you- how they helped and not just harmed you. Empathy- step into their shoes for a moment.

The Box of Sorrows/Whisper to the stone Empty our story into the box. Imagine being in a safe space Welcome a safe person into this space There is a box between the two of you As you speak the words go into the box like water being poured from a pitcher At the end of speaking the companion takes the box with them.

Naming the Hurt Giving the emotion a name.

Naming the Hurt We can’t let go of feelings we don’t own. We own our feelings by naming them. We give voice to our hurts not to be victims or martyrs, but to find freedom from the resentment, anger, shame, or self-loathing that can fester and build inside us when we do not touch our pain and learn to forgive.

Why not just forget about it? Dismissing it seems safer, easier. It begins to fester from the inside out. We are not responsible for what breaks us, but we can be responsible for what puts us back together again. Naming the hurt is how we begin to repair our broken parts.

When we name the hurt, just as when we tell the story, we are in the process of reclaiming our dignity and building something new from the wreckage of what was lost. Tutu, Desmond; Tutu, Mpho. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (p. 149). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.

Naming the Hurt Identify the feelings w/n the facts No feeling is wrong , bad, or invalid Recognize grief and where you are in it Accept your vulnerability Move forward when you are ready

Naming the Hurt- Exercises Validation Clenching the Stone