Destructive and Constructive Communication The art of conversation consists as much of listening politely as in talking agreeably.” How do you rate your listening and talking skills? What do you need to improve? “I know you believe you understand what you think you heard, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Constructive Communication

Destructive Communication

Destructive Communication Blaming Interrupting Endless Fighting Character Assassination Calling in Reinforcements Withdrawal Need to be Right

Blaming – Frequently blame each other while trying to find out who is at “fault”, who started the fight, etc.” Examples – You are the one that’s not listening. You did this…. You should of … Interrupting – Interrupts another person, it is a sign that one idea is more important than another. Stop communication, Shows disregard for other person’s ideas.

Blaming http://www.wingclips.com/movie-clips/back-to-the- future/not-good-at-confrontation (stop at 1:45)

Endless Fighting – Arguments that never end Endless Fighting – Arguments that never end. Bring up the old issues that have nothing to do with what’s happening now. Examples: Just like when you… Character Assassination – Name calling, belittling comments about sensitive subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm) Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust, and communication.

Character Assassination http://vimeo.com/398134

Calling In Reinforcements – Involves outsiders in your personal relationships and quarrels. Example: to save face Withdrawal – Withdrawing from communication avoiding conversation in families communicates hurt, rejection, neglect, indifference, &/or anger. Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it”

Compromise is a win-win situation. Need to be right – Some people refuse to admit any need to always be right. Example: “I know! I got it.” Compromise is a win-win situation.

Destructive Communication http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-R-1ay46P4

Role Play

Let’s Communicate Mark each communication technique as constructive or destructive. Write examples of negative techniques.

Constructive Communication “I” Messages Clarity Timing Asking Questions Reflective Listening Respect and Consideration Avoiding Intense Anger

“I” Messages – State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. Lets others know how you feel without making people defensive. Examples “I feel frustrated when… I am angry because you forgot…

Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean. Problem is interpretation. (Sarcasm) Example: I hope you had a great time at the movie last night with all your other friends! Timing – Select a good time to do your important communicating. Examples: Asking for something when parents walk in from work.

Asking Questions – People seldom say what they really mean the first time. Example: Why, What, Where, When, Do you mean…. Reflective Listening – listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify. Example: Are you saying? You seem to be saying?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh5xu35bAxA

Respect and Consideration – One sure way of ending good communication is by being critical or judgmental. Respect the other person’s point of view. “I can see where you are coming from…” “that makes sense” Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes we become too emotional to communicate effectively. “Lets talk about this another time so I can figure things out”

“I” Messages State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. “I feel … when … because …” “I would like …” Don’t blame the other person.

Role Play

Sending “I” Messages

1. Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap 1. Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated. “You” message: “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.” “I” message: ______________________ 2. Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry. “You” message: “You’re being naughty.” “I” message:______________________

3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face 3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face. “You” message: “You’re not being a responsible big boy. That’s what a little baby might do. “I” message: ___________________________ 4. Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing them from talking. “You” message: “You know it’s past your bedtime. You are just trying to annoy us. You need your sleep.” “I” message:__________________________

5. Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job he agreed to do. “You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a movie when you have been so inconsiderate and selfish.” “I” message: ___________________________ 6. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day. Mother doesn’t know the reason. “You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking. Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and sulk. You’re taking something too serious.” “I’ message: ___________________________

7. Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering with the parent’s conversation in the next room. “You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?” “I” message: ___________________________ 8. Child promised to iron napkins to be used for dinner party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s one hour before the guests arrive and she has not started the job. “You” message: “You have fallen down on your job. How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?” “I” message: _____________________________

Summary: If you create an environment where negativity is not tolerated, where meetings and conversations take place with purpose and meaning, and where people praise and appreciate each other…. You also start to create fertile ground for trust to develop. People don’t always know how to be great, but they want to be! Start by being great yourself and learn to be more masterful in your communication.