You attract what you are….. not what you want. What first attracts you to the opposite sex? What characteristics are most important to you? Divide men & women into separate groups and come up with a list, in order of importance of what characteristics are important in the opposite sex. You attract what you are….. not what you want.

Halo effect: The assumptions that good-looking people possess more desirable social characteristics. Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive & they have the best sex lives. Appearance continues to be important through marriage. Changes in wife’s appearance have more effect than changes in husband’s appearance.

THEORIES OF MATE SELECTION: Who is the most powerful man in America? Who is the most influential woman in America? Men are valued for status & money. Women are valued for good looks, child rearing & homemaking skills.

MARRIAGE GRADIENT: Why men choose younger women & women choose higher status. MARRIAGE SQUEEZE: Older women have fewer eligible males. Working women don’t need a man for a paycheck but want a companion.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT Question: FACT OR FALLACY? What things are important to have in common?

Important Similarities Race – 97% marriages of same race. Religion – Greatest risk of divorce is if one is very religious. Socioeconomic Status – Men often marry down, women often marry up. Age – Members of same generation at same life tasks. Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbed. Propinquity – Residence, geographically limited locale (internet).

WHO SHOULD I MARRY? PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE: Both teens = 3 to 4 x more likely to divorce Only 5% will last more than 5 years Girl is a teen = 2 x more likely to divorce

Predictors of Success Common skills Good emotional & physical health High self esteem High education level Older age at first marriage High social status Longer courtship average engagement 9 months average acquaintance 2 – 2 1/2 years)

Predictors of Success Parent Model High marriage quality in family of origin High level of happiness in childhood Positive relationship between parents Support from significant others Parent approval of spouse Liking of in-laws Support of friends

PURPOSES OF DATING SOCIALIZATION: To develop appropriate social skills to practice getting along with others in different settings. RECREATION: To have fun and enjoy the companionship of others, and to try new and different activities. MATE SELECTION: To see others in many different settings, to compare the personality and characteristics of many people.

STAGES OF DATING Stimulus Stage: Attraction is physical, mental or social. Value Stage: Weigh each other’s values to see if compatible. Usually determined between 2-7 dates (best to breakup here). Role Stage: Analyze behaviors to determine filling roles as lover, companion, friend, worker, spouse and parent.

Men are afraid of rejection from women. HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK A GIRL OUT WITH OUT BEING GIVEN PERMISSION BEFOREHAND? Men are afraid of rejection from women. 1% of men preferred women who waited to be asked. 99% of men wanted women to hint to be asked. 50% of men preferred women to ask them out.

HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING? Open field: A setting in which potential partners may not be likely to meet, characterized by large numbers of people who do not ordinarily interact, such as a beach, mall or campus. Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may meet, characterized by a small number of people who are likely to interact, such as a class, dorm or party). Parties are the most common place 1/3 to 1/2 of all meetings are introductions by friends. (also internet, classified ads, dating services and churches)

PROBLEMS IN DATING Power is not usually a problem in dating but gender roles are. Who pays? Who decides? Communication Shyness Sexual pressure

BREAKING UP Be sure that you want to break up and are not just avoiding problems and issues. Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt. Once you end the relationship, do not continue seeing your former partner as friends for some time. Don’t change your mind. The pain & loneliness are natural. You are a worthwhile person whether you are with your partner or not. Keep a sense of humor.

SINGLEHOOD PROS? CONS?

Divorced, widowed, never married Increasing: Divorced, widowed, never married Delayed marriage Employment options for women Increased divorce & decreased likelihood of remarriage More women in college More liberal social & sexual standards Uneven ratios of unmarried women to men

SINGLEHOOD Increases economic, & emotional independence. Difficulty committing and doing what one ought to do rather than what one wants to do. Men need women less than women need men thus men flee obligation. Men less mentally healthy as single. Media portrays singles as glorified and marriage as unsatisfied with affairs.

COHABITATION

COHABITATION LEGAL PROBLEMS Can’t file joint tax return Can’t make medical decisions Can’t inherit Can’t enter hospital or jail restricted to “family” Can’t create estate trust Can’t claim marital deduction on income tax Can’t receive survivor insurance benefits Can’t get health benefits, bereavement leave, etc Can’t collect unemployment if you move for a partners job Can’t get residency status for a noncitizen

COMMITMENT May not work as hard. Lack of pooling of money More fighting & violence Man not expected to support his partner, both work Less social support Greater likelihood of divorce More liberal, independent, less religious, lower income