A wife thinks her husband is “too hard on” their son A wife thinks her husband is “too hard on” their son. This is a constant conflict they repeat. Situations arise and she corrects her husband as to the way she thinks he needs to be parenting their 8 year old boy. Here is their “dance”

The Dance Failure Disrespected Inadequate “You’re too hard on him…” Let’s take a closer look at how this plays out. When the wife brings up statements implying “you’re too hard on him”, the husband feels like a failure. He feels disrespected and inadequate.

The Dance Failure Disrespected Inadequate Escalates Blames “You’re too hard on him…” Escalates Blames Rationalizes When these feelings arise in him, he escalates, blames, or rationalizes what he has done.

The Dance Failure Disrespected Inadequate Escalates Blames “You’re too hard on him…” Escalates Blames Rationalizes This pushes her buttons and she feels misunderstood and invalidated, like her perspective doesn’t count. Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance Failure Disrespected Inadequate Escalates Stonewalls Blames “You’re too hard on him…” Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reads Rewrites History So, she mind reads, thinking that he believes she doesn’t know what she is talking about and rewrites history thinking to herself that he has ALWAYS done this and remembering all the ways he invalidates her. So, she stonewalls him by standing with her arms crossed not saying a word. Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance Failure Disrespected Inadequate Escalates Stonewalls Blames “You’re too hard on him…” Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reads Rewrites History Her stonewalling pushes his buttons and he once again feels disrespected and inadequate so he escalates….and on and on it goes. Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance Failure Disrespected Inadequate Escalates Stonewalls Blames “You’re too hard on him…” Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reading Rewrites History When addressing the conflict, they point to what each other has done though not exactly in these words. If you wouldn’t rationalize, then I wouldn’t stonewall. If you wouldn’t stonewall, then I wouldn’t escalate. Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance Failure Disrespected Inadequate Escalates Stonewalls Blames “You’re too hard on him…” Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reading Rewrites History They have missed that the cause of their reactions was feelings inside themselves, not their spouse. These feelings existed in you long before your spouse arrived. You felt like a failure/disrespected/inadqeuate before the other person came along. The other person is not the cause of these feelings. The cause doesn’t really matter, whether it is how you viewed the world, or ways others treated you, these feelings are now a big part of your heart. Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance Failure Approval Disrespected Competent Inadequate Respect “You’re too hard on him…” Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reads Rewrites History What they were really looking for was very different than how they felt. He wanted respect and approval. She wanted to feel understood and significant. Significance Understanding Love Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance X X Failure Approval Disrespected Competent Inadequate “You’re too hard on him…” X Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reads Rewrites History X His escalating and rationalizing will not get him the respect and approval he is looking for. Her stonewalling and mind reading will not get her the understanding and significance she is looking for. Significance Understanding Love Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance X Failure Approval Disrespected Competent Inadequate Respect “You’re too hard on him…” X Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reads Rewrites History So, we have to work to end our automatic responses to our buttons being pushed and when we start to feel disrespected and inadequate, we work to RESPOND rather than react. We determine what ways we can respond that will lead us to the respect and/or understanding we are looking for. Significance Understanding Love Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance Failure Approval Disrespected Competent Inadequate Respect “You’re too hard on him…” Better ways to respond Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reads Rewrites History I need to I determine better ways to respond to reach what I am really looking for. Significance Understanding Love Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated

The Dance Failure Approval Disrespected Competent Inadequate Respect “You’re too hard on him…” Better ways to respond Escalates Blames Rationalizes Stonewalls Mind Reads Rewrites History Once I choose these better responses, the dance ends. Significance Understanding Love Unimportant Misunderstood Invalidated