Phases in Relationships Phase One: Who are You? Barrier: Are you one of "them"? Mutual satisfaction, acceptance, and trust Barrier: Are you enough like me? Phase Two: Let's Be Friends! Barrier: Are we willing to change for each other? Emotional openness and appropriate ways to resolve conflict Barrier: Do you (or I) want to work towards a good (or more intimate) friendship? Phase Three: Intimate Friendship

Dodd’s Scale of Homophily Scale of Homophily Major Categories Attitudes like mine 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Attitudes different from mine Background like mine Background different from mine Values like mine Values different from mine Appearance like mine Appearance different from mine

Intimacy in Cultural Perspective Cultures define intimacy differently. It might be helpful for us to note some characteristics of American friendships: People choose their friends based on spontaneity, mutual attraction, and warm personal feelings. In contrast, Japanese friendship patterns involve obligation, duty, and ritualized interaction. Relations with friends are kept separate from work or social obligations. Friendships are formed in shared activities—doing things together. Our friendships form around the activities: we may have church friends, school friends, bowling friends, party friends, etc. Generally, keeping things compartmentalized allows for a large number of friendships, none of which is necessarily intimate (especially for American men). (Stewart and Bennett, American Cultural Patterns, pp. 100-3)

Prior Question of Trust The prior question of trust (PQT) is the question asked before all other questions: Is what I am doing, thinking or saying building or undermining trust? Developing the trust bond calls attention to levels and stages of trust involvement, monitoring the relationship, and the transfer of trust. The acceptance of self permits the person to accept himself as he is at any given moment, to understand his own strengths and weaknesses, and to be willing to live with them. This then prepares him to accept others, including God. The acceptance of the other is the application of self-acceptance to others so that one can interact and accept them as fully responsible members of their own life-way. Mutual respect involves balanced reciprocity in interpersonal relations, leaving both persons valid and intact.

Practices that Confirm Mutual Respect Acceptance of the limitation of living standards of each culture. As one gains knowledge of the limits of each living standard, one increasingly accepts positive aspects of each. Lack of criticism of negative aspects of each culture. Differences are not necessarily inferior. It is wise to examine the reasons why differences exist and to be sensitive to them. Ability to make comparisons between the cultures without accompanying negative implications. This is expressed in positive appreciation of the other culture along with one's own. Real contentment of lifestyle is experienced by each one residing there. This does not mean abandoning oneself or one's personality. One's security and satisfaction there is genuine. Easy fluency with the language and idiom of each culture. Language is a living means of communication and takes time to master--especially the humor expressed in language.

Practices that Confirm Mutual Respect Control of righteous indignation involving practices considered wrong, until change comes about via converted members of the culture. Expression of humility within the context of either culture one is involved with, not flaunting one's own experience within the cross-cultural setting. Ability to distinguish between personal tastes, historic backgrounds, and moral issues (absolutes). Understanding and practicing the ethical code within the other culture without strain and to the degree one's own conscience permits. When one's conscience does not permit, the ability to express this in ways that highlight the issue but do not alienate the person. Understanding the basic means of communication in each culture and handling this effectively, irrespective of age, sex, status, and so on.

Relationship Killers Researcher: John Gottman, University of Washington Thousands of couples studied in a unique environment When all four are consistently found, divorce is highly likely: Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Withdrawal

Criticism Attacking or criticizing one's partner. People who fall for this temptation do not seem to understand the difference between a complaint (a statement about wanting something to change) and a criticism (a statement about wanting someone to change). Complaint: "I don't like it when you say you will finish the dishes and then I see they are still in the sink. I want you to do what you say you will." Criticism: "You promised you would finish the dishes and you didn't. You just can't be trusted. You don't respect me if you lie to me like that."

Defensiveness Doggedly battling every complaint from the partner. People who fall into this temptation seem to believe that to agree when someone criticizes them or complains about their behavior would be to lose something irreplaceable. They don't seem to be able to see or admit to any imperfection in themselves. Agree whenever you can: "I hate to admit it, but you may be right about me spending too much time at work. I don't know just what I can do about it, though." Defensiveness: "How can you say I spend too much time at work? I do what I have to do to support this family. Do you want to take over my job?"

Contempt Global criticism of the partner, showing disrespect, sarcasm. People who fall into this temptation seem to be carried away by their anger at the partner. When they show contempt, they are saying the partner has no value as a person. They don't seem to be able to talk about their own anger without attacking and demeaning the partner. Own the anger: "When you criticize me like you just did, I feel very angry and discouraged about communicating with you." Show contempt: "You criticize me? Hah, what have you ever done that is constructive. You better look at yourself, buster!"

Withdrawal Ignoring, withdrawing, and refusing to talk to the partner or try to negotiate. Stonewalling is "giving the silent treatment" or in other words, silent contempt. Distinguish this from a healthy time-out or break which helps both partners get some perspective. The stonewaller implies the partner is unworthy of discussion; the time-out procedure suggests the listener needs a break. Take a time out when you need to, announce your intent: "This discussion is too intense for me. I need to take a break before I say something I will regret. I'd like to go for a walk and cool down, and we can discuss this in a half hour from now." Stonewall: "Yeah, sure, you are right. You always are. I gotta go." (Leaves for a half hour.)