Managing Conflict Chapter 12

What is Conflict? Components of the definition of conflict Expressed Struggle Parties involved must know there is some type of disagreement for conflict to exist If I don't know that you are upset I won't perceive conflict Perceived Incompatible Goals All conflicts look as if one person’s gain would be another’s loss If your neighbor has music at full blast & you want to sleep is there a way for both of you to win

What is Conflict? Components of the definition of conflict Perceived Scarce Rewards Conflicts may exist when we believe there isn’t enough of something to go around Affection, Money, Space, etc What are things that may create conflict with you, Why/How? Interdependence Conflicting people rely on one another Welfare and satisfaction of one depends on others actions If you’re music is too loud and I want to sleep, am I dependent on you?

What is Conflict? Components of the definition of conflict Inevitability Conflicts are bound to happen, even in the best of relationships Challenge is to handle the conflicts People perceive them and manage them in different ways Unhappy couples argue to try and reach a resolution Satisfied couples handle conflicts more effectively, although they still may argue it is more problem oriented

What is Conflict? Conflict: Fight or Flight? What is your personal attitude toward conflict? Is it good, bad, necessary, unnecessary, etc? Reasons for taking a constructive approach to conflict? Effective means to mutual resolution Increase strength and security of relationships

Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts Achieve the best possible outcome, even strengthen the relationship Dysfunctional – Outcomes fall short of what is possible & may damage the relationship

Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts Functional vs. Dysfunctional Approaches Positive functional behaviors & negative dysfunctional behaviors. Integration vs. Polarization Integration – Recognizing other person is in the difficult situation with you, They’re not “bad” or “good” but need to help you resolve conflict Polarization – Viewing other person as opposite, Good vs bad, protective vs aggressive, trustworthy vs sneaky

Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts Cooperation vs. Opposition Cooperation – Working constructively with other party May bring answer that leaves everyone happy Opposition – Prevents seeking a solution that satisfies both “If you win, I lose” (Opposition people seldom give in) Confirmation vs. Disconfirmation Confirmation – Treating conflicting individual with care/value Describe messages that convey value in other person Disconfirmation – Negative interaction with conflicting individual Lack of regard “I don’t care about you” Makes working towards a resolution difficult

Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts Agreement vs. Coercion Agreement Resolving conflicts by agreeing on the terms on which it is resolved Coercion - “Do it my way, or else” In destructive conflicts, participants rely heavily on coercion to get what they want. This tactic doesn’t do much for relationship strength

Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts De-escalation vs. Escalation De-escalation When participants solve more problems than they create Escalation – One cause is Defensive reciprocation When problems seem to grow larger instead of smaller in conflict

Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts Focusing vs. Drifting Focusing – Staying on the conflict topic Sticking to the conflict topic and resolving it before moving on Drifting – Moving away from the conflict topic Bringing in issues that have nothing to do with the original problem Positive vs. Negative Results Positive – Reward of successfully facing a challenge Relationship growth, positive communication climate, Negative – No one is likely to get what was originally sought Can threaten the future of a relationship

Conflict Styles Avoidance (Lose-Lose) Behaviors in the avoidance approach to conflict? Ignoring or staying away from conflict Avoiding friends during dispute, Changing conversation topic

Conflict Styles Avoidance (Lose-Lose) Avoidance may result in a lose-lose outcome. Chronic misunderstandings Resentments, disappointments (Contaminate emotional climate) Avoidance may be good for dealing with conflict? If risk of speaking up is too great Getting fired Public humiliation

Conflict Styles Accommodation (Lose-Win) Motivation of an accommodator Occurs when we allow others to have their own way without asserting our own point of view Motivation of an accommodator Effective if done as genuine act of kindness, generosity, love Ineffective if used as a complainer, whiner, saboteur How may the use of accommodation be culturally influenced? High context cultures view accommodation and avoidance as noble ways to handle conflict

Conflict Styles Competition (Win-Lose) Passive Aggression Competition using concern for self and low concern for others Passive Aggression Passive aggression Expressing dissatisfaction in a disguised manner Forms passive aggression may take – “Crazymaking” Guilt – "Never mind, I'll do all the work myself" Agrees with you to face / Differs behind your back Person agrees to a favor and never does it to get back at you

Conflict Styles Direct Aggression What are some of the forms of direct aggression? Attacks on Character, Competence, Physical appearance, Wishing other person bad fortune, teasing, ridicule, threats Swearing, non0verbals (fist-shaking, waving arms, etc) Direct aggression is likely to have a more negative impact on a relationship? Psychological effects Embarassment Inadequacy humiliation

Conflict Styles Compromise (Negotiated Lose-Lose) Gives both people at least some of what they want Compromise, may result in a lose-lose outcome. Both parties are giving up part of what they desire Compromises may be beneficial in relationships even though both parties must sacrifice to achieve a resolution. Buying a used car may result in a compromise in price Both the seller and you are happy which makes compromise positive

Conflict Styles Collaboration (Win-Win) Goal of collaboration? To solve problem not “My or Your” way but “Our Way” Why is collaboration not always the best choice for resolving conflict? It can be time consuming Some conflict decisions need to be made quickly

Conflict Styles Which Style to Use? How to determine appropriate choice of conflict style: The Situation If you are in conflict with someone with more power (Accommodation) Competitive response may result in loss of job The Other Person If they’re not interested in win/win or collaborating, if they only want to win and disregard your desires Your Goals To solve problem – be assertive Calm down a person who is enraged or upset

Conflict in Relational Systems Relational Conflict Styles A pattern of managing disagreements Used repeatedly over time

Conflict in Relational Systems Complementary conflict style? When partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors One partner addresses the conflict directly, the other withdraws Complementary style may lead to dissatisfaction in relationships? May lead to isolation & each partner punctuating the conflict differently

Conflict in Relational Systems Relational Conflict Styles What is the symmetrical style? When both parties use the same tactics to resolve conflicts

Conflict in Relational Systems Relational Conflict Styles Escalatory and de-escalatory spirals. Escalatory Spiral- When each person is treated with matching hostility one threat and insult leads to another De-escalatory Spiral Where both people withdraw from one another instead of facing their problems

Conflict in Relational Systems Relational Conflict Styles Parallel style – A conflict style that shifts between complementary and symmetrical patterns Dependent on the situation

Conflict in Relational Systems Relational Conflict Styles The intimate and aggressive style matrix. Nonintimate-Aggressive Partners dispute issues but without dealing with one another on an emotional level Nonintimate-Nonaggressive Partners avoid conflict (and one another) instead of facing issues head-on

Conflict in Relational Systems Relational Conflict Styles The intimate and aggressive style matrix. Intimate-Aggressive Combines aggression and intimacy Lovers fight like cats and dogs and make up just as intensly Coworkers might argue about their work but cherish their association Intimate-Nonaggressive Partners confront one another directly or indirectly Manage to prevent issues from interfering with relationship

Conflict in Relational Systems Relational Conflict Styles Conflict ritual? Unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior Develops when people have been in relationship for long time Conflict rituals may become problematic in a relationship? When they are the only way relational partners handle their conflicts What works in one situation isn’t likely to succeed in many others

Variables in Conflict Styles Gender Gender-based differences in conflict behaviors. Male – Aggressive, Demanding, Competitive Female – Cooperative, accommodating

Variables in Conflict Styles Culture Based on cultural norms and values, what cultural factors may influence conflict styles? Directness, Straight Talking – Western cultures Self restraint, avoid confrontation – Asian cultures

Conflict Management in Practice Steps of putting conflict management into practice: Define your needs Decide what it is that you want or need Share your needs with the other person Once decided, share needs with partner (appropriate time & place) Listen to the other person’s needs Make sure that after expressing your needs you also find out theirs Generate possible solutions Think of as many ways possible to satisfy both of your needs

Conflict Management in Practice Describe each of the steps of putting conflict management into practice: Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one Once all possible solutions have been expressed, evaluate them to see which would best satisfy everyone’s goals Implement the solution Try out the decided solution to see if it indeed satisfies everyone’s needs Follow up the solution After the solution has been tested for a short time, meet with other parties to see how things are going If not satified changes may need to be mad