An Adolescent Dating Abuse Prevention Curriculum SAFE DATES An Adolescent Dating Abuse Prevention Curriculum

DEFINING CARING RELATIONSHIPS Important qualities in a dating relationship Supportive & caring actions Treatment from a dating partner Treatment to a dating partner Choice in the way treated from a dating partner Choice in the way to treat a dating partner

Important Qualities in a Relationship Funny Independent Respected Trusted Supported Encouraged Loved Excited Romanced

DEFINING DATING ABUSE Harmful dating behaviors Physical & Emotional abusive behaviors Physical & Emotional abuse in the dating relationship Abusive behavior identification Susceptibility to dating abuse Rejection of abuse in a dating relationship

Emotional Harmful Behaviors Calling a Date Names Criticizing Opinions Ignoring a Date’s Feelings Isolating Date from Others Behaving Jealously Telling Lies Scaring a Date Cheating on a Date Making Someone Feel Guilty Spreading Rumors Threatening to Hurt a Date Threatening to Hurt Oneself Using Sexually Derogatory Names Criticizing Beliefs about Sex Putting Down Family and Friends Driving Recklessly to Scare a Date Humiliating a Date in Public or Private Insulting a Date’s Beliefs or Values Displaying Inappropriate Anger

Physical Harmful Behaviors Hitting Scratching Pushing Pinching Choking Spitting Shaking Shoving Forcing Biting Pulling Hair Using a Weapon Throwing Things Keeping a Date from Leaving Molestation Rape Forcing Unwanted Sexual Actions Damaging Personal Property Acting in an Intimidating Way Purposefully Injuring an Animal

WHY DO PEOPLE ABUSE? Controlling & Manipulative functions of dating abuse Identification of abusive behaviors Misperceptions about dating abuse Dating abuse as a serious matter Abuse is not a victims fault Short & Long term consequences of abusive relationships Warning signs of an abusive relationship

Short-term Consequences of Abuse Break-up Fight Resentment Frustration Anger Scared/Fear Insecurity Pain Suffering Physical Injuries

Long-term Consequences of Abuse Break-up Arrested Death Suicide Depression Chronic Physical Injuries Trust Issues Lose of Friends/Family Damaged Relationships

HOW TO HELP FRIENDS Complexity of decision making in leaving an abusive relationship Difficulty & fear of asking for help from the victim Ways to support a friend that is a victim Community resources for abuse How to find help if a victim of abuse

HELPING FRIENDS Red flags of dating abuse Confronting a friend about dating abuse Supporting a friend in an abusive relationship

Dating Abuse Red Flags (Individual who may be in an Abusive Relationship) Being Physically Hurt Feeling Afraid of you Boyfriend or Girlfriend Feeling Isolated Losing Friends Changing behavior due to girlfriend/boyfriend jealousy Feeling embarrassed, ashamed, put down or guilty Being Threatened Feeling Manipulated or Controlled Feeling Nervous, Sick to Stomach when boyfriend/girlfriend is Irritated, Frustrated or Angry

Dating Abuse Red Flags (Individual who may be in an Abusive Relationship) Feeling a pounding or fluttering in chest when boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t happy Not being allowed to, or being afraid to, make decisions for yourself Noticing that your girlfriend/boyfriend has very traditional (stereotypical) beliefs about women and men Feeling as if your date gets too personal or touches you in an unwanted way Not having your thoughts or wishes for personal space respected

Dating Abuse Red Flags (Individual who may be Abusing their Partner) Physical Assaulting partner Intimidating partner Angry if partner spends time with other people Asking partner to change behavior because you’re jealous Verbally threatening partner Using “guilt trips” to get partner to do something Feeling unable to control your own feeling of anger Making partner afraid of you Forcing partner to do sexual things that he or she is not comfortable doing

Helping a Friend Believe Story Make Sure They are Safe/Safety Plan Tell Person They Don’t Deserve to be Abused Ask Many Questions to get them to Think about Problem Ask them their Options (leave, stay, get advice from professional, etc) Let them know Abuse gets Worse if Ignored Encourage them to Seek Help (Hotline; Legal, Medical, Counseling resources) Don’t Gossip Let Victim Make Own Decisions (Let make decision when they are ready)

OVERCOMING GENDER STEREOTYPES Specific images of dating relationships Images influence on interactions in relationship Harmful consequences of gender stereotyping Role of gender stereotypes in dating relationships

Gender Stereotypes Boys Pay for Dates Boy makes physical advances Only boys can ask girls out Girls should play hard to get Women should be caretakers Women should do work in the kitchen Women should always obey and listen to men Me should be in control Men should be waited on All men are violent Women are emotional and irrational

EQUAL POWER THROUGH COMMUNICATION Eight communication skills for resolving conflict Non-violent responses to partner that does not communicate fair and equal

Eight Basic Skills for Equal Communication Secure your center (respond when thinking clearly) Ask clarifying questions (honest/open questions, avoid misunderstanding) Find out partner’s feelings (feels about situation) Express feelings (be honest and specific) Determine what’s important to you (can’t compromise) Acknowledge what’s important to partner Think about similarities and differences (determine where agree/disagree and why disagree) Exchange ideas for possible solutions (brainstorm)

HOW WE FEEL, HOW WE DEAL Expression of feelings and emotions Acknowledgment of feelings Situations that trigger anger Physiological & Psychological cues of anger Non-violent responses to anger Choice of response when angry

Hot Buttons (Triggers) Someone who is always late Someone who doesn’t follow through on promises Someone being loud and obnoxious Someone does something that hurts your feelings

Diffusing Anger Talking to myself (positive self-talk) Walking/Running Counting Controlling my breathing Crying Walking Away/Removing self from situation Hitting pillow Exercising strenuously Asking someone for advice Explaining to the person why I’m angry Playing with my pet Listening to music

Eight Dating Tips Things to do to protect self: Double-date, go out with group of friends Date in public places Decide boundaries on sex, be firm and clear Trust feelings and instincts Be careful if date holds strong gender stereotypes Things to do to respect partner: Respect dates feelings and wishes about being sexual Pay attention to date’s body language Be aware of own gender stereotypes Stop physical advances if date says NO

PREVENTING SEXUAL ASSAULT Sexual assault victims never to blame Rape is unacceptable Understand & interpret “NO” cues Protecting yourself in potential rape situation Establish clear sexual boundaries with dating partner Tips to decrease chance of being a victim of sexual assault

SUMMARY TOPICS DATING ABUSE & CONSEQUENCES “RED FLAGS” FOR ABUSE EQUAL POWER THROUGH COMMUNICATION PREVENTING SEXUAL ASSAULT