Strategies for Dealing with Challenging Parents and Students John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. Department of Counselor Education, University of Montana – john.sf@mso.umt.edu Tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

Why a Workshop for Working with Parents? Opening survey It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents Parents have special needs and interests Parents can be critical consumers Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

Workshop Overview This workshop is rated “PG” A blend of personal discoveries and evidence Caveats and excuses This is YOUR workshop Talking and not talking – Practice Communicate respectfully We will never get finished

Workshop Plan: Review and Practice 8 Easy Steps 1. Channel Your Wisdom and Common Sense 2. Get Curious, Not Furious 3. A Way of Being with Parents 4. Understand and Embrace Your Power 5. Cultivate Self-Awareness 6. Use Magic Words and Strategies 7. Set Limits 8. Problem Solve with Parents and Students

Role Play Volunteer Come up and tell me about some hassles you’re facing at work (and feel free to exaggerate!!). Debriefing What did John do? How did it work? What dynamic was operating?

Channel Your Common Wisdom Working effectively with parents partly boils down to relationship common sense Avoid being too bossy or insulting Avoid implying that people are being stupid or silly Avoid backing people into corners And DO NOT live by the Satanic Golden Rule

Common Wisdom II The Satanic Golden Rule

Common Wisdom III Trivia Questions What is the Satanic Golden Rule? *What is a significant problem or flaw associated with living by the SGR?

Common Wisdom IV Answers Revenge stimulates revenge – It never ends You give away your power and become a negative follower instead of a positive leader And the winner is . . . !

Common Wisdom V Create your own positive respect bubble And watch out for the REVENGE IMPULSE How does this apply to students? Common wisdom = Caring and interest

Get Curious, Not Furious What Makes a Difficult Parent Difficult? Five Minute Brainstorm Tell each other stories Generate a short list of WHY you think difficult parents are difficult? Bring it back to the big group

Get Curious, Not Furious II Your BEST Explanation for Difficult Parents Divorce class story

Get Curious, Not Furious III Why Do We Need an Explanation? To address problems we need to understand them (and not just react) Our plan needs to address underlying dynamics We carry around our own implicit theories anyway – we need to make them explicit Our implicit theories are (usually) insensitive and unempathic

A Common Theory** I’d like you to join with me Parents can be highly insecure [inferiority/superiority dynamics] Parents can be very protective They have distinct expectations This results in parents being highly reactive Why is this good news?? They will react to your E and C

A Way of Being with Parents The Principles Empathic understanding – Avoid premature problem-solving Radical acceptance – Avoid judgment Collaboration – Work with, not on Bonus principle – Counterconditioning** Double bonus principle – USE MAGIC WORDS Summary: Listen before you educate

A Way of Being with Parents Empathy x 2: There are two forms of empathy with parents General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged – Dear Abby example Specific – Clean your room story Some parents REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story **What words should you NEVER say??**

What Parents Hear “I understand” really means: “I’m magnificent and you’re pathetic” Or “I know what you’re going through” “Have you ever. . .” really means: “I know all about what you should be doing” or “You’re too dull-witted to know what I know”

A Way of Being with Parents Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT) “I accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change” Don’t say this, but BELIEVE IN IT especially when parents say something extreme

A Way of Being with Parents Radical Acceptance as Skill Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.” Teacher Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

A Way of Being with Parents Radical Acceptance Follow-Up Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.” Teacher Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.” Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

A Way of Being with Parents Practicing Radical Acceptance Group participation – Volunteer example “Thank you. . .” or “I appreciate. . .” What words work well for you? Practice this. It won’t happen spontaneously

A Way of Being with Parents Ten-Minutes of Acceptance Radical acceptance requires lots of practice Take turns (5 min each) listening to each other – You can role play or just be yourself Your listening goal: To convey acceptance and respect . . . That’s all! [NO OPINIONS!] Be ready to report back if you want to

A Way of Being with Parents Collaboration: How do we facilitate collaboration? Collaboration as attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly [Difficult] Ask permission Tell parents YOU WANT TO work with them Tell parents you respect their knowledge

Counterconditioning Find your counter-conditioning mojo Case: Ty and the Big Trauma Boy One BIG hurdle is ANXIETY (or fear) How do we get reluctant students and parents comfortable with us?

**The Counterconditioning Model In 1924, Mary Cover Jones concluded: “We found unqualified success in removing fear with only two strategies” We associated the fear-object with a craving-object and replaced the fear [Using] social imitation we allowed children to share social activity with a group of “high prestige” children

**What did Jones use with Peter? _____________? Challenging students and parents are aversively conditioned to teachers and counselors! We should use counterconditioning to get them comfortable in the room with us What do you use? What will you use?

**The Bonus Way of Being** We should use counterconditioning to get people comfortable with us

A Way of Being with Parents The Philosophy Because parents are vulnerable . . . We are (1) empathic, (2) accepting, (3) collaborative, and (4) use counter conditioning [with students, add care + interest + genuine] We look for positive goals and love [Reframe] underneath anger and imperfect parenting We join with difficult parents to support their children’s education

Understand and Embrace Your Power: A Teacher Influence Model What parents want Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives . . . So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison) How you influence parents and student . . . And how parents influence their children

Embrace Your Power: Reasons to Behave To mitigate reasons for misbehaving (attention, power, revenge, inadequacy), teachers need to provide parents (and students) with: A Sense of Belonging; and Feelings of Usefulness

Embrace Your Power I Direct Power Grandma’s Rule Do it . . . now! [Whisper story] Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment [Most people do this backward] Give it (rewards), Take it (privileges) Pre-set Rules with Consequences (Math books)

Embrace Your Power II Indirect Power The new attitude (eliminate the dread) Modeling Encouragement Character feedback Give choices

Embrace Your Power III Problem-Solving Power Solution talk: How did you? Behavioral alternatives What has worked before? Mutual problem-solving – Later Class-generated rules Educational offerings: TEDx, PPPP, etc. [Would you watch, listen, and tell me what you think]

Montana’s Own Parenting Podcast   Name Description Released Price 1 Talking with Children about Life & Death Episode 13 4/17/2017 Free View in iTunes 2 Teens & Depression Episode 12 4/3/2017 3 When Teens Talk Back Episode 11 3/20/2017 4 Let's Do The Sex Talk Again Episode 10 3/6/2017 5 Post-Partum Depression – It’s Harder than You Think Episode 9 2/20/2017 6 Divorce and Shared Parenting Episode 8 2/6/2017 7 Love, Sex, Babies, and Happiness Episode 7 1/23/2017 8 The Challenges of Step-Parenting Episode 6 1/8/2017 9 Sleep Well in 2017 & Beyond Episode 5 12/26/2016

Practically Perfect Parenting Podcast

Embrace Your Power IV Relationship Power Everyday connection and greeting Recreation and play (and food**) Special time – Later A favor or I.O.U. Guilt (I’m disappointed)

Embrace Your Power: Guidelines Emphasize belonging Emphasize usefulness Use a balance of power strategies Have high hopes, but realistic expectations Lean on your colleagues for support Remember what’s important

Power Pyramid Direct Indirect Prob Solving Relationship

Cultivate Self-Awareness: What Can Go Wrong? A parent pushes your buttons You lose your cool You forget how to apply a technique or strategy You fall into the natural pattern of backward behavior modification Parents engage in threatening behaviors Others?

Cultivate Self-Awareness: Preparation Preparing for button-pushing Get in small groups Share your BIG emotional buttons Report to the big group

Cultivate Self-Awareness: Preparation II Responding to questions about credentials or competence (or lack of parenthood) Reflect the message Acknowledge reality Offer an invitation for collaboration Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

Cultivate Self-Awareness: Preparation III Four (or more) paths to calmness Calming songs What works for you? **I feel my anger and see my anger** **I’m just going to listen to you for a while**

Magic Words and Strategies Volunteer Observers track and identify anything they think John does that might defuse the parent’s strong emotions

Magic Words and Strategies II Listen with respect Use radical validation: “Of course you’re angry. This situation that could make anyone angry.” Show VAGUE empathy: “This situation is clearly very upsetting to you.” Side with the emotion—not the behavior

Magic Words and Strategies III Join the Parent “I wish _ _ _ _ _ _ _” Share the feeling: “This is the sort of thing that can really upset me too.”

Magic Words and Strategies IV Ask permission Acknowledge expertise Ask: What do you think? [Best explanation; best strategy] Use experimental language – Try together? Use proactive calls

Magic Words and Strategies V Time for Practice Get a partner Be difficult, but not too difficult Take time-out to discuss and debrief as needed Check back in

Set Limits Remember: You’re the boss You set the limits on what’s appropriate and not appropriate in your setting.

Set Limits II (practice these) Be the boss you’d like to have yourself. You can be direct or use distraction to shift the mood and change the situation [Voice example] Give a choice: You can sit down or leave or go see the principal – you choose. Set the limit – By asking the parent/student: “What will happen if . . .?” Set the limit – By stating it yourself

Problem-Solve with Parents and Students Join with the parents/students to discuss how they can comply: “You have to follow the rules, but how can we work this out?” Hope along with the parent/student for a positive outcome: “I really hope you (we) can succeed with this.”

Problem-Solve with Parents and Students Nurture the parent’s/student’s “Protective Factors” – What strengths does the person have to apply to this difficult situation? Express your belief in the parent’s ability to comply and succeed: “I know you can do this.” Don’t be isolated; get help as needed

Problem-Solve with Parents and Students Final Demonstration Who can be a difficult parent? Or shall we apply this to the classroom now? Mutual Problem-Solving: Don’t get hung up on the outcomes Partner and practice

The Review (and Application) Channel Your Common Wisdom Get Curious, Not Furious A Way of Being with Parents Understand and Embrace Your Power Cultivate Self-Awareness Choose to Defuse [Use Magic Words] Set Limits Problem-Solve with Parents and Students

Closing Comments Closing story – That dog don’t hunt What will you remember? What will you try out? You’re the kind of teachers

For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to: To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com

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