Reminders: The midterm is one week from today. Psychology 137C: Intimate Relationships Week 4, Lecture 2: Maintaining Closeness Reminders: The midterm is one week from today. 50 multiple choice questions, covering everything so far. Review session in this room after class next Wednesday. Sample questions will be distributed early next week.

What People Do After attraction, after mate selection, then what? Two people in a relationship must act. …and they had better act fast.

We Think About Maintenance Because the Average Relationship Becomes Less Satisfying … Source: Kurdek, 1999

Relationship Maintenance Defined: The behaviors and strategies that partners enact to help ensure that a valued relationship will continue. Like? Strengthening an already good relationship Averting declines Repairing problems What are the key interpersonal processes likely to keep a relationship strong?

The Intimacy Process Model Harry Reis From Reis & Patrick, 1996, p. 537

Shared Activities Self-expansion theory: Art Aron Relationships become less fulfilling because opportunities for ‘expanding the self’ in the relationship diminish. Art Aron Active efforts must be made to counteract this effect. Experiments show that novel and arousing activities can increase judgments of satisfaction.

Capitalization Defined: Behaving in ways that elaborate upon and deepen the experience of positive events. What do you say to your partner when things go right? Shelly Gable

Forgiveness Complete forgiveness requires changes at the intrapersonal and interpersonal levels. Who forgives and when? Depends on: The transgression Victim’s personality Explanations for the event Whether the transgressor expresses remorse Qualities of the relationship Not all acts can or should be forgiven, but a willingness to forego retaliation and to achieve reconciliation generally do help relationships.

Sex and Physical Intimacy Better relationships appear to promote more satisfying sex Better sexual functioning appears to promote more satisfying relationships Communication is probably a common denominator to better sex and better relationships Consider how the Intimacy Process Model applies to both

Social Support “Social support is conceptualized most generally as responsiveness to another’s needs and, more specifically, as acts that communicate caring; that validate the other’s worth, feelings, or actions; or that facilitate adaptive coping with problems through the provision of information, assistance, or tangible resources.” Carolyn Cutrona, 1996

A Causal Claim Cutrona (1996) “… consistent responsivity to the other’s needs within a close relationship fosters love, trust, tolerance, and commitment. All of these contribute to the stability of intimate relationships.” Cutrona (1996)  Longitudinal studies using laboratory observational of social support support this claim.

Helper’ Codes Helpee Codes Positive “OK, so tomorrow, when you see Jack, what are you going to ask him?” “I know this is hard for you -- you really loved that job and it was hard to leave.” Negative “I doubt you’d be able to get past the first class.” “I already told you, you just have to stop going to your mother’s house, end of story.” Positive “I just feel so much better when I talk about this with you , and you say ‘You are meant for this line of work.’” Negative “You have got to help me with this! Tell me what to do!” “You are really not doing much good for me here.”

Is help always helpful? Wives are more likely to be successful in a weight-loss program when their husbands are told to be as uninvolved as possible (Pearce, LeBow, & Orchard, 1981). More generally, support perceived to be available tends to be beneficial, whereas the support actually received is sometimes beneficial and sometimes detrimental. How can we explain the occasionally detrimental effects of received support?

Visible and Invisible Support Some support is noticed by the recipient (visible support) Some support is not noticed by the recipient (invisible support) Bolger et al. ( 2000) 99 Couples in which one partner was taking the bar exam The stressed partner was happiest on days when support was invisible. Asking for support may entail emotional costs and obligations. Selflessness – anticipating and responding to needs of partner – can be powerful.