His Needs Her Needs Meeting each First and Third Monday of every month 7:00 PM until completed Presenter: Larry Epstein LMHC CASAC

Have you ever thought to yourself “Why don’t you just want the same things in this relationship that I want? It would be so much easier if you wanted what I wanted!” This is kind of normal. We all think highly of ourselves, so it is no wonder we would want others to want what we want, think like we think and believe what we believe. But therein lies the problem. 7.3 Billion people are all going to have different needs than we do and trying to get others to what in a relationship what we want is futile at best and intrusive and unwanted by others at worst. This book is designed to help people understand that people have different needs in intimate relationships.

What is a need? Everyone has different needs. Think about your goals in life. Chances are if we examine the meaning behind those needs (career, dreams, bucket lists, what makes you happy, etc.,…) we’ll probably find your needs. This book examines those needs in intimate relationships. It examines the needs by gender and in 10 categories.

Dr. Willard Harley worked with thousands of couples in his practice over his career. What he found was that all people have 10 basic needs. The “problem” is that the “average person” (and he was clear to point out that no one person is “average”) has 5 out of ten needs. If we were asked to order them from greatest to least importance, we would find a pattern.

Patterns: The average man’s top five needs tend to be the average woman’s bottom five needs. The bottom five needs for anyone are not necessary for most people to maintain happiness in their relationships. There is no specific reason to this. They could be gender, they could be cultural, they could be biological. This is a matter of debate. What matters is that it is this way. There is nothing wrong with a person if their needs are not traditionally their gender’s needs. This book IS NOT meant to point out if something wrong with a person.

Patterns (cont). Each gender has a “Typical” top need. The other 4 needs are in no particular order. It is neither good nor bad if your #1 need is not typical for your gender. It is neither good nor bad if your gender’s #1 need isn’t even in your top five, or top nine. What matters is once you understand this, that you are OK with your needs and if you are not, you have a framework in which to better understand yourself. You cannot ever change another’s needs to suit yourself!!!

The #1 needs for men and women. What do you think the #1 need for men is? If you had to “Stereotype” the men you’ve known, what would you say their #1 need is? What do you think the #1 need for women is? If you had to “Stereotype” the women you’ve known, what would you say their #1 need is? Sexual Fulfillment Affection

So lets looks at these needs. His needs Sexual Fulfillment Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support Praise & Admiration Her needs Affection Conversation Honesty & Openness Financial Support Family Commitment

Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support His Needs This is probably what you are expecting. If a man’s sexual needs are fulfilled, his (typically) most important need is met. This does not mean that every man’s sexual needs are the same. It also does not mean that anyone advocates a woman/partner should do whatever the male partner wants despite what one finds acceptable/moral. Sexual Fulfillment Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support Praise & Admiration

Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support His Needs Men typically want a partner whom they can have fun with. How “Fun” is defined varies from man to man. Whether its games, watching movies, hiking, watching that new show, or going to concerts, if a man can participate in fun activities with his partner, he is far more likely to find satisfaction in his intimate relationships. Sexual Fulfillment Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support Praise & Admiration

His Needs Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Men typically need their partner to be attractive…to them. This is not to say this need is reliant to a certain standard of beauty, nor does it mean that a man must have the most attractive woman. It just means that most men typically find a woman’s aesthetics important. This is independent of age and cultural norms. Sexual Fulfillment Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support Praise & Admiration

His Needs Despite the egalitarian movements of the past few decades, the “typical” man likes a partner that takes care of the house. This may sound offensive to some women, but research shows repetitively that men still like to be “Taken care of” domestically. This could include the traditional gender roles cooking, cleaning, laundry, or any other responsibility that is part of “taking care of” the home. Sexual Fulfillment Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support Praise & Admiration

His Needs Men typically, whether in personal, friendships, or professional relationships, like to be praised. Telling him “I admire you when…” or “I love when you…” are phrases that men enjoy. When men stop hearing these praises, they may assume whatever was once praised (intelligence, humor, strength, status…) may no longer be the case. Sexual Fulfillment Recreational Companionship Attractive Partner Domestic Support Praise & Admiration

Her needs Women prefer to have a partner who shows affection. Chances are as a man who believes he is “not the affectionate time” just remember: Chances are there was a time, probably at the beginning of the relationship that he did show her affection. This could be cuddling, holding hands, massages, holding each other, hugging, etc… Affection Conversation Honesty & Openness Financial Support Family Commitment

Her needs Women prefer a partner who open, communicative, who listens, and willing to be genuine in their conversation . When women say “he never talks to me” this need is being emphasized. It could be small talk or what you want out of life, but for many women the partner who stops telling her what is going on predisposes themselves to an affair. Affection Conversation Honesty & Openness Financial Support Family Commitment

Her needs On a similar vane, talking “fluff” or providing constant conversation that either or depth is detrimental to any woman’s perception of her relationship. Women usually prefer someone who is willing to provide substance in his conversation (the slideshow on “the 7 level’s of intimacy” for more). Likewise, a typical complaint is a lack of honesty; no one likes to be lied to. Affection Conversation Honesty & Openness Financial Support Family Commitment

Her needs Like it or not, the typical woman may not mind paying for her partner or taking over the finances temporarily, but on average, women prefer a man who can take care of herself and family financially. For the independent woman this may resound sexist, but many women find it frustrating to have to pay for a man’s lack of income to support her basic needs. Affection Conversation Honesty & Openness Financial Support Family Commitment

Her needs The last need is having a man who can not only support children and the family financially, but physically, intellectually, and emotionally. It may seem obvious, but a partner that can’t fulfill this need may be quickly dismissed. To be responsible with her family could be key to her heart. Affection Conversation Honesty & Openness Financial Support Family Commitment

Sexual Fulfillment Affection If my partner fulfills me sexually, I’m happy and content. Affection I like when my partner touches/holds/caresses me Recreational companionship I like to participate in fun activities with my partner Conversation I like having a partner whom I can talk to and who listens An attractive partner I need my partner to be attractive to me Honesty & Openness I like a partner that not only tells me the whole truth, but talks in depth Domestic support I want a partner who takes care of our residence Financial Support I like a partner who can take care of me and my family financially Praise and admiration I like to be told I’m appreciated and admired Family Commitment I like a partner who can take care of and is good with children