Receiving and Listening Chapter 3 Receiving and Listening Created by: Noah M.P. Spector and Shaofan Bu

Receiving, Listening and Attending Entering into a therapeutic relationship is a vulnerable step for the client. There is a built-in asymmetry that creates distinct roles for the professional and the client. Counselors must be especially alert to the ways in which they receive, listen and attend to their clients’ concerns.

Receiving: Creating a hospitable place for sharing. When we receive a guest in our house we make sure they are comfortable. The same goes for therapeutic conversations. In much the same way, the client is entering the counselor’s space surrounded by uncertainty and unfamiliarity. At the same time the client has his/her own expectations. The counselor needs to work to create an open and accepting atmosphere.

Using transparency to create trust and enable informed consent. A helpful way to put the client at ease and to create an open atmosphere is to describe the unique aspects of a counseling relationship. Transparency about the counseling process can help clients make an informed decision on what they are about to embark upon.

Informed consent. Informed consent is about: Making some of the implicit ‘rules’ of counseling explicit. Ensuring that laws and ethical codes related to counseling are named and followed. Giving the client the chance to make an informed choice to engage in the counseling process.

Informed consent. For clients to give informed consent to counseling, they must know what counseling entails. This may include: Limits to confidentiality and the contours of the counseling relationship (e.g. supervision, credentials of the counselor etc…) Overall process (e.g. frequency of sessions, number of sessions offered, how the counselor works etc…)

Being Present with Compassion and Empathy How do counselors connect with a client who is a complete stranger? Compassion allows us to recognize the humanity in ourselves and in others. To be human is to suffer as well as to experience joy. Empathy (feeling with, not feeling for) Not a technique or a tool to use, but a way of relating to the client that is ubiquitous in the therapeutic relationship.

Empathy Compassion Gets at what makes the other person unique . What’s it like to be you? What’s it like to walk in your shoes? What is your subjective experience? What does the world look like from your point of view? Gets at what the other person shares with me. I experience you, like me, as a human being subject to all of the trials of life. We all are born, grow old, get sick, die: we are in this together. We are kindred human spirits.

Documenting Clients’ Lives: Notes and Records Taking notes and keeping files on clients can serve to reinforce the arbitrary standard of normal/abnormal. Counselors can counteract this tendency by being transparent about the purposes of their notes and their paperwork.

“….The ear is worth ten eyes” Listening “….The ear is worth ten eyes” (Shafir, 2000, p. 42) To listen attentively is a demanding skill that takes practice. Our clients notice when we are listening and we transmit this through our actions. Feeling listened to is a powerful and unique feeling.

Hearing ourselves Not only it is important to listen to the client, it is also vital to ‘hear’ ourselves. This means adopting a reflexive position, to be cognizant of our thoughts, ideas and judgements. This reflexivity brings our attention to the task at hand and allows us to practice mindfully.

Using silence Silence is meaningful and powerful in counseling conversations. Like spoken words, silence has multiple meanings. Sometimes silence feels uncomfortable for a client who may anticipate active work to “fix problems”. Well-used silence, like well thought out words, can be a powerful intervention.

Chapter 3: Recap The starting point of counseling conversations is welcoming the client and gathering their experience. Counseling is a process of mutual discovery helped along by our shared humanity and the ability to feel with another person.

Chapter 3: Recap Our listening helps our clients feel heard and feeling heard is an important experience in itself. It is our compassion which helps connect us to our clients and our empathy which enables us to hear, and try to understand, what they are saying. We must be present not only to what our clients say but also to our own thoughts actions and feelings.