Social Psychology by David G. Myers 9th Edition Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and Loving Others Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Attraction and Intimacy Need to belong For our ancestors, mutual attachment enabled group survival For a woman and a man, the bonds of love can lead to children, whose chances are boosted by the nurturance of 2 parents that love each other For children, their caregivers enhance survival Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Attraction & Intimacy We are social animals. We need to belong. When we do belong we feel better and are healthier. Ostracism: being shunned Used to regulate social behavior People (especially women) respond to this by feeling depressed, anxious, hurt, engaging in efforts to restore the relationship, and eventual withdrawal. The silent treatment is emotional abuse and a terrible weapon to use Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Attraction & Intimacy What do you think may happen to children who are ostracized? How can we help prevent this? Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is someone out of sight out of mind? Is it likes that attract or opposites? How much do good looks matter? What has fostered your close relationships? Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? Proximity: geographical nearness In a study by Pew (2006) of married people, 38% met at work or school, and some of the rest met when their paths crossed in their neighborhood, church, gym, or while growing up. Interaction: how often people’s paths cross is important We frequently become friends with those we continually see (those who park in the same parking lot, go to the same gym, etc) Anticipation of interaction: anticipating that someone will be pleasant and compatible increases the chance that of forming a rewarding relationship Example: if someone sets you up on a date Mere exposure: the tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them Familiarity does not breed contempt We even like ourselves better how we are use to seeing ourselves Mita et al. (1977) conducted an experiment where they took pics of women and showed them the actual pic or a mirror image. Women preferred the mirror image (what they are use to seeing). However, their friends preferred the actual picture (what they are use to seeing). Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? Physical attractiveness Attractiveness and dating A woman’s physical attractiveness is a good predictor of how much she dates Women are more likely than men to say they prefer a mate who is homely and warm over one that is attractive and cold. Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? The matching phenomenon Not everyone can end up with someone who is stunning So how do people pair off? They get real…they pair off with people who are about as equally attractive as they are Friends may also be selected in a similar way You pick someone who is desirable while being mindful of your own desirability Couples who are not equally attractive: The less attractive person has qualities that compensate The physical-attractiveness stereotype Houston and Bull (1994) used makeup to make an attractive accomplice a scarred, bruised face. When riding on a train, people of both sexes avoided sitting next to the accomplice. 3 month old infants prefer attractive faces. Teachers perceive attractive children as more competent. First Impressions: Physical appearance does not always outrank other things Attractiveness affects 1st impressions most Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? Who is attractive? Whatever the people of a place and time find attractive To be really attractive is to be perfectly average Attractiveness of those we love A 17-year-old girl’s facial attractiveness is a weak indicator of her attractiveness at age 30 or 50. Sometimes an average looking adolescent, who is warm, has an attractive personality, becomes an attractive middle-aged adult. We also perceive likable people as attractive Love sees loveliness: the more we love someone, the more attractive we think they are Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? Similarity versus complementarity Do birds of a feather flock together? Do opposites attract? The more similar someone’s attitudes are to your own, the more you will like them When we discover someone has dis-similar attitudes, we may dislike them Even though we may like people who complement us, similarity still prevails Liking those who like us: we like people who say and think positive things about us Attribution: Flattery can get us somewhere (if used correctly) Usually when we hear “to be honest” we know its going to be a criticism Self-esteem and attraction Having a shattered self esteem can make you hungry fro approval Gaining another’s esteem Do we like people who like us after having disliked us more? Or…Do we like people who have liked us from the beginning more? Constant approval can lose value. Someone who loves us, will be honest, but will also see us with rose-colored glasses Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? Relationship Rewards When people are asked why they are friends with someone they usually mention the positive attributes of the other person. However, they commonly leave themselves out. Attraction involves the one who is attracted, as well as the attractor. I like Carol because she is nice, warm, and friendly I like Carol because of how I feel when I am with her. Reward theory of attraction: Those who reward us, or who we associate with rewards, we like. If a relationship gives us more rewards than costs, we will wish it to continue. Liking by association Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. What Is Love? What is love? Can passionate love endure? If not, what replaces it? Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. What Is Love? Passionate love A theory of passionate love: Passionate love is exciting, emotional, and intense (when you are in love) Two-factor theory of emotion Arousal can lead to emotion Couples who do exciting things together report greater satisfaction Variations in love: Culture and gender 89% of cultures have love as a precursor for marriage But in other cultures love precedes marriage Studies show that men are more likely to fall in love and less likely to fall out of love Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. What Is Love? Companionate love Eventually passionate love burns out However, there is still a steady, warm afterglow called companionate love Love becomes warm and dependable Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

What Enables Close Relationships? Attachment styles 1. Secure Attachment: attachments rooted in trust and marked by intimacy 2. Preoccupied Attachment: Attachments marked by a sense of one’s own unworthiness and anxiety, ambivalence, and possessiveness 3. Dismissive Attachment: An avoidant relationship style marked by distrust of others 4. Fearful Attachment: an avoidant relationship style marked by fear of rejection. Equity: what you and your partner put into a relationship should be equal to what you put in Long-term equity: Equity is a rule in relationships that last Perceived equity and satisfaction Those in an equitable relationship are more content Self-disclosure: Deep, compassionate relationships are intimate. As relationships grow, there is more self disclosure Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

How Do Relationships End? Divorce Individualistic cultures have higher divorce rates (expect more passion) People usually stay married if: Married after age 20 Both grew up in stable, 2 parent homes Dated for a long time before getting married Are well and similarly educated Enjoy a stable income from a good job Live in small town or farm Did not cohabitate or become pregnant before marriage Are religiously committed Are of similar age, faith, and education The detachment process Even newly separated couples who have long ceased feeling affection are surprised at their desire to be near their partner Detaching is a process, not an event The longer the relationship, the more painful Among married couples, the breakup has additional costs Copyright © 2008 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.