Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Vision For Blessed Marriage A Strong & Loving Relationship BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 1

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Marriage Is a Blessing For God and the world “The union of man and woman is the union of heaven and earth.” Father For the partners “Your spouse is your second messiah.” “Neither man nor woman can touch God’s highest love by themselves.” Father BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 2

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams How Is Your Marriage a Blessing? For others? For ourselves? BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 3

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams How Our Marriage Is a Blessing For others God’s joy Parents’ and ancestors’ hope Children’s security Backbone of the family Stabilizer for the community Bridges different worlds For ourselves Moral and spiritual growth Companionship Productivity and parenthood Health, longevity, wealth BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 4

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams How Is Blessed Marriage a Challenge? “Fundraising duty or witnessing is a light burden compared to harmonizing one heavenly home here on earth. Perfecting your love in your home is not easy!” Father Moon BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 5

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Two Aspects of Strong Marriages Horizontal: Friends & Lovers Friendship Passion Vertical: Partners in Purpose Commitment Purpose Purpose Marital Love Friendship Passion Friendship: Emotional Passion: Physical Commitment: Volitional Purpose: Spiritual Commitment Adapted from Robert Sternberg’s Triangle Theory of Love BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 6

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Partners in Purpose 1. Commitment Pledge of loyalty Team up against problems Investment of one’s best efforts 2. Purpose Shared ideals and meaning Common projects, service and sacrifices Mutual respect Personal growth Purpose Marital Love Commitment BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 7

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Friends & Lovers 3. Friendship Enjoying each other’s company Safety and comfort Sharing of joys and hardships 4. Passion Physical attraction Romantic feelings Marital Love Friendship Passion BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 8

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Which Aspect Is Stronger in Your Relationship Now? Horizontal: Friends & Lovers Friendship Passion Vertical: Partners in Purpose Commitment Purpose Purpose Marital Love Friendship Passion Friendship: Emotional Passion: Physical Commitment: Volitional Purpose: Spiritual Commitment Adapted from Robert Sternberg’s Triangle Theory of Love BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 9

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Conflict Is a Normal Stage of Early Marriage BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 10

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams Signs of the Conflict Stage You want more private time and space Loving gestures—notes, flowers, massages—are falling away Sacrificing is not as easy anymore Conversation is no longer as automatic Small habits, once endearing, are now annoying You notice bad traits you overlooked before You feel deprived and disillusioned You try to make each act as you used to You start whining, nagging, and fighting BlessedHarmony.com 11

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Many Couples Do Not Grow Past the Conflict Stage Resignation “I give up” Escape “I’ll invest elsewher e” BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 12

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Lasting Love Must Be Built Based On Character, Skills And Insight BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 13

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Strong Couples Build True Love based on Acceptance and Appreciation BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 14

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Practical Secret of Strong Marriages Keep a high ratio of positives to negatives 1. Maintain and promote the positive aspects of the relationship 2. Prevent and reduce the negative aspects Couples are happy when they believe that there are more positives than negatives BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 15

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams High Level of Positives Makes Negatives Less Important Low positives make negatives look worse All couples have negative aspects to deal with Marriage Positives Marriage Negatives Negatives BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 16

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Reduce the Negatives Accept differences and disagreements as natural Follow ground rules for managing conflicts well Use a safe way to talk about difficult issues BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 17

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams What Actions & Experiences Help Generate Love? BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 18

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage Internet Porn Plague Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams Build Up Positives 1 1. Serving and meeting each other’s emotional needs Giving and getting more than expected 2. Proximity, familiarity and common history 3. Shared fun and novel, positive experiences (5) Speaking of teams, when we partner up with others in solving a problem, we tend to like such people afterwards. (6) Doing fun things with others obviously generates a good feeling towards them. Also, sharing positive experiences; we are fond of those who went through memorable experiences with us. (7) Ironically, suffering together also is bonding. When we share an ordeal with someone, we may never forget them. That’s why camping is the most bonding family activity—plenty of opportunities for things to go wrong, and to have to suffer through it together. (8) And physical affection and sex are famous for creating a bond, even when that bond was not intended. So these are some of the ways we can engineer the feeling of love in a relationship, when we decide to. We don’t have to wait for love to land on us, like some elusive butterfly. In fact, this is what wise spouses do in the relation to the person they decide to marry—and what they also avoid doing with the wrong people before they marry, and after they marry. BlessedHarmony.com John Williams CouplesLearningCenter.com 19

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage Internet Porn Plague Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams Build Up Positives 2 1. Serving and meeting each other’s emotional needs Giving and getting more than expected 2. Proximity, familiarity and common history 3. Shared fun and novel, positive experiences 5. Shared ideals and mutual respect 6. Teamwork in solving a problem 7. Shared suffering 8. Resolving a conflict together; forgiveness 9. Physical affection and sex (5) Speaking of teams, when we partner up with others in solving a problem, we tend to like such people afterwards. (6) Doing fun things with others obviously generates a good feeling towards them. Also, sharing positive experiences; we are fond of those who went through memorable experiences with us. (7) Ironically, suffering together also is bonding. When we share an ordeal with someone, we may never forget them. That’s why camping is the most bonding family activity—plenty of opportunities for things to go wrong, and to have to suffer through it together. (8) And physical affection and sex are famous for creating a bond, even when that bond was not intended. So these are some of the ways we can engineer the feeling of love in a relationship, when we decide to. We don’t have to wait for love to land on us, like some elusive butterfly. In fact, this is what wise spouses do in the relation to the person they decide to marry—and what they also avoid doing with the wrong people before they marry, and after they marry. BlessedHarmony.com John Williams CouplesLearningCenter.com 20

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Tool: Goal Setting Individually, set 1-2 clear goals for you to gain today and for the relationship. Make them small, specific and expressed in a positive way: “I want to learn to disagree calmly” rather than “I want to stop getting so angry.” Keep them private or share them if you both wish to. BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 21

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams BlessedHarmony.com

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Tool: Purpose for Partnership Individually, write answers to these questions and then discuss them together. What higher purposes you want your marriage to serve? How do you want your marriage to be a blessing for others, for the world and for God? Consider such things as: Raising children Caring for parents, siblings or other relatives Reversing bad family and ancestral patterns Serving our faith community Assisting God’s providence Maintaining a business Helping in a charity Promoting a cause Helping at school and in the community BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 23

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Affirmations within a Strong Marriage Within us: 1. I am responsible and do all I can to support the marriage I will not use my mate’s behavior as excuse to do otherwise Between us: 2. We foster safety in our relationship 3. We are open to and seek close connection 4. We nurture security in our future together Adapted from Markman, Stanley & Blumberg (2001), Fighting for Your Marriage BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 24

Vision for a Strong Blessed Marriage John R. Williams John R. Williams Tool: Counting the Blessings 1. What are three things you appreciate about your relationship? Apart from your children 2. What are three things you appreciate about your spouse? 3. What are three ways that your relationship with your spouse has made you a better person? BlessedHarmony.com BlessedHarmony.com 25