REVISING ESSAY 2

Problem 1: The Topic is Too Broad How to Identify the Problem: You feel overwhelmed: If you feel like the topic is too difficult or you have too much to say and you don’t know what to say next, you probably have a topic that is too broad. Another possibility is that you have chosen a topic you do not know enough about. You are writing general statements and not explaining them fully: If your topic is too broad and you have too much to cover, you will be forced to make broad, sweeping, generalized statement that you cannot fully explain or give specific examples of. How to Fix the Problem: Narrow down your topic! Check out the topic-narrowing techniques in your textbook, Chapter 11. Another way to narrow down a topic is to ask question that will limit what you are really discussing. Check out these question on page 500

Problem 2: The Topic is Too Narrow Identify the Problem: After a paragraph or two, you have nothing left to say: If you have explained what you are discussing AND given specific examples, and you still run out of ideas and keep repeating yourself, your topic might be too narrow. Your topic does not seem important or interesting: If it isn’t interesting to you, it won’t be interesting to your reader. You probably need to change topics. Your essay is focusing on small facts and details: You can widen your essays focus by connecting your narrow topic to another, related topic and asking yourself what they have in common. Check out tips on broadening a too-narrow topic on page 501-502 For example: I am writing an informative essay about lighting a campfire. After one or two paragraphs of facts and tips, I’m done! I can widen my topic to looking at how to light a campfire AND how to cook easy campfire-friendly meals. What do both of these have in common? Going “rough” camping successfully! Maybe I should write my paper about that. NOTICE however, I am not widening my paper to write about ALL forms of camping—trailer camping, RV camping, cabin camping, day camping, etc. THAT would be too broad.

Problem 3: Thesis Needs Revision Identify the Problem: The essay does not explain or support the thesis (focusing idea). The thesis does not “cover” all the topics in the essay (umbrella). The thesis is vague and unclear The thesis makes a direct announcement or asks a question Fix the Problem: Answer the Thesis Revision Questions in your textbook. Rewrite your Thesis several different ways. What works best?

Problem 4: The Essay is Underdeveloped Identify the Problem: The essay rambles and seems unfocused. The essay repeats information too often and just says the same thing over and over in different ways. The essay makes general statement but does not support them with examples and specifics. The essay lacks facts, examples, comparisons, or reasons. Fix the Problem Make sure your topic is not too broad or too narrow. Delete sentences that don’t add anything new to the essay. Highlight sentences and ideas where you could further develop, explain, or give specific examples. Add the needed development through explanation, examples, and specifics. Make sure each paragraph has a clear point and that all the sentences and details support that point.

Problem 5: The Essay is Disorganized Identify the Problem: Does every paragraph support or explain something about the thesis (focusing topic)? Are all the paragraphs on-topic? Do you make it clear how each idea relates to another idea by explaining thoroughly and using transitions? Fix the Problem: “Label” what each your paragraphs is about in an outline Make sure all the sentences in that paragraph have something to do with that topic label Use the Revision Map Advice in your textbook

REVIEW USE OF SOURCES

Four Basic Rules for Avoiding Plagiarism Make sure all word-for-word quotes have quote marks showing where they begin and end. Make sure to make the difference between your ideas and your sources’ ideas clear when paraphrasing. Identify where each quote OR paraphrased idea came from in the body of your paper using in-text citations. Make sure that each source you quote OR paraphrase in your paper is correctly listed on your Works Cited page. Show the Incorporating Sources Handout

How to Avoid Drop-in Quotes: One of the risk factors for heart disease is alcohol consumption. The American Heart Association website states, “drinking too much alcohol can raise blood pressure, cause heart failure and lead to stroke” (“Risk Factors”). Notice that the quote is a part of a sentence written by the author of the paper. Adding “(Insert source name here) states” to the beginning of a quotation is a quick, easy way to fix drop-in quotes. This is called a “signal phrase.” You are encouraged to embed your quote into your own sentence: Example: People worried about heart disease should seriously limit how much they drink because “drinking too much alcohol can raise blood pressure” or even cause death or stroke (“Risk Factors”).

Writing is a form of communication Writing is a form of communication. It’s not just about what you say, it’s how you say it You are communicating more than your topic/thesis. How you communicate your message says a lot about you as a writer, thinker, and student. Don’t communicate that you don’t really care about your topic through lack of proofreading! Don’t communicate that you are a sloppy writer! Don’t let your reader become distracted from your message due to careless errors.

Proofread with an open mind. Be willing to make changes. Be willing to put in the time and effort. Leave yourself plenty of time to examine your writing. Keep your reader in mind at all times.

Strategies for Proofreading

Use an Essay Evaluation Checklist Introduction + Thesis Body Paragraphs + Research/Support Conclusion Mechanics PASS OUT THE PROOFREADING CHECKLIST

General Strategies Take a break! Allow yourself some time between writing and proofing. Even a five-minute break is productive because it will help you get some distance from what you have written. The goal is to return with a fresh eye and mind. Leave yourself enough time to proofread thoroughly. Since many errors are made by speeding through writing and proofreading, you should take your time to look over your writing carefully. This will help you to catch errors you might otherwise miss. Always read through your writing slowly. If you read at a normal speed, you won't give your eyes sufficient time to spot errors. Read aloud. Reading a paper aloud encourages you to read every little word. Role-play. While reading, put yourself in your audience's shoes. Playing the role of the reader encourages you to see the paper as your audience might. Get others involved. Asking a friend or a Writing Lab tutor to read your paper will let you get another perspective on your writing and a fresh reader will be able to help you catch mistakes that you might have overlooked.

Slowly read your essay aloud. Hearing your written words may help you “hear” errors. Prepare to read your writing several times and at different times. To make yourself attentive to your written work, involve all senses of touch, sound, and sight. Run your finger along the text as you read it. Listen to someone else read your paper. PAINFUL! But effective! Read slowly and read only the words on the page, especially when your brain may “add” words that you meant but that may not actually be on the page.

Use computer spell check and grammar check—but with caution! Don’t rely on spell check and grammar check to catch all your mistakes, or even to be 100% correct about the mistake it does catch! Use your own knowledge and logic. If it doesn’t seem right to you, don’t change something just because grammar check says to change it! Also, there are quite a few common proofreading errors that spell check won’t catch because they are actually words: won’t vs wont Can’t vs cant Incorrectly divided words: typecast/type cast, with out/without Wrong words: marital vs martial, impotence vs importance Incorrect verb tense: spellcheck only checks WORDS, it doesn’t know your intent or meaning.

Proofread in stages. Examine the content. Examine the mechanics. Examine the organization of ideas. Examine the mechanics.

Examine Your Content

Introductory Paragraph Is there a interesting opening to grab the reader’s attention? Does this opening fit the thesis and the mood of the rest of the essay? Have you made a smooth transition between the first line(s) and the thesis statement? Are there any sentences that would be better moved to a body paragraph? To put it another way, do I have too much detail in my intro?

Thesis Statement Is there a thesis statement at the end of the introductory paragraph? Does the thesis address the assignment? Is the thesis a statement of claim? Does the thesis reflect the content of the body paragraphs?

The Body Paragraphs Does each body paragraph contain a leading topic sentence? Do the sentences in the body develop the opening sentence? Does each paragraph cover one main point (focusing idea)? Are they in logical order? Does each paragraph have a smooth ending, transitioning into the next paragraph?? Label your body paragraphs as a test to make sure they each have ONE topic.

Concluding Paragraph Have you reworded the thesis statement? Have you made an overall statement concerning the points that you discussed separately in the body paragraphs? Have you brought up a completely new point? If so, delete it. Do not bring up new information in the conclusion Do you leave your reader with something to consider or a call to some kind of action? Is there a feeling of closure in the last line?

Examine The Mechanics

Comedy Video: “The the Impotence of Proodreading” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZoX -kFUA8o

Check your sentence structure. Look for: Fragments—incomplete thoughts. Comma splices—two sentences separated by only a comma. Run-ons—two sentences running into each other with no separation.

Word Choice Eliminate Unnecessary Words “Stuff”, “Things”, “Really”, “Very”, and Other Empty Words Eliminate “seems to be” or “apparently” – unless you are about to say it’s actually not that way Excess use of “there is” and “it is”

Revise Wordy Phrases WORDY CONCISE At the time that As far as ____ is concerned At the time that At this point in time In spite of the fact that In the event that In view of the fact that Concerning When Now Although If Because or since

Places to refresh your memory: Don’t get overwhelmed. TRUST YOURSELF. You already know a lot. You may just need to remind yourself what you already know. Independently study your grammar handbook. Study the many web sites with grammar and writing advice. YouTube has great videos on all kind of grammar, punctuation, and usage concepts. Struggling with something in particular? Look it up!

Don’t freak yourself out, but also don’t procrastinate. One last bit of advice: Don’t freak yourself out, but also don’t procrastinate. As Nike says: “JUST DO IT.”