At Table: United Methodists Seeking a Way Forward

Our Assumptions This is hard work We must plan not to argue Each church must work on its own question 4. This work is applicable to many issues

The Three Levels of Conversation

The Three Levels of Conversation The “subject” (issue, problem event that people disagree on) 2. The feelings level 3. The identity level

A Learning Conversation The Two Types of Conversations A Battle of Messages A Learning Conversation

The Subject Level BATTLE OF MESSAGES Learning Conversation ASSUMPTION: I know all I need to know to understand the issue or incident ASSUMPTION: Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the table: there are likely to be important things that each of us does not know GOAL: Explore each other’s stories and how we understand the issue/situation and why GOAL: Persuade them that I am right (and they are wrong) Challenge: the issue is more complex than any of us fully understands ASSUMPTION: I know what their real motives and assump-tions are ASSUMPTION: I know what my motives and assumptions are and how I react to their assertions GOAL: Get them to see how misguided their motives and purposes are GOAL: Share what is at stake For me and listen to under- stand what is at stake for them

The Feeling Level The Identity Level BATTLE OF MESSAGES Learning Conversation The Feeling Level ASSUMPTION: Feelings are irrelevant and aren’t approp- priate to share ASSUMPTION: Feelings are at the heart of the issue—and are usually complex. I may have to work a bit to fully understand my feelings Challenge: the issue is emotionally charged GOAL: Avoid talking about feelings GOAL: Address feelings (mine And others) without judgment The Identity Level Challenge: The issue can feel threaten- Ing to our identity ASSUMPTION: I am either all right (and good) or all wrong (and bad) ASSUMPTION: There is a lot at stake psychologically for all involved. Each of us is complex and none is perfect. GOAL: Protect myself from painful insights GOAL: Understand identity issues for all involved and develop a more complex self-image

Yes…BUT…