The 7 Tricky Fears that Block Your Groups from Moving Forward

“All procrastination is fear.” As the wise Elizabeth Gilbert has said, fears are at the root of all of our difficulties moving forward. Our purpose in designing and leading groups is to enable group members to make important changes in their lives. In order to help group members embrace change, we must be able to help them recognize what they are afraid of. While working with procrastinators, I have noticed the 7 Tricky Fears over and over again. After learning how to identify the 7 Tricky Fears, you will be able to help your group members change their behaviors, no matter how stuck they are and no matter what niche you are in.

First, we need to understand what fear is We need to get comfortable with the idea of fear before we can help our clients to face their own fears. 1st lesson: Fear is just a feeling. Fear is part of our body’s natural alert system, which tells us when to prepare for an upcoming change. The fear signal allows us to have enough time to decide what we are going to do (or not do) in the face of change. 2nd lesson: We can make the mistake of believing our fears are what we should actually be afraid of. Our role as group leaders is to reduce the group members’ anxiety about their fear, and to help them decide what they will do instead of giving up or standing still.

Introducing the 7 Tricky Fears Fear of embarrassment Fear of rejection Fear of criticism/judgment Fear of uncertainty Fear of comparison Fear of losing freedom Fear of being vulnerable

Fear of embarrassment Boy, this one is a biggie. When we fear embarrassment, we end up disliking change or anything unpredictable. We end up hiding our true feelings from other people to the point where we end up disconnected from our own feelings. You can spot the fear of embarrassment when you notice: even small actions feel daunting anxiety seems ever-present instead of every-once-in-a-while

2. Fear of rejection Rejection is one of the most ferocious fears we can harbor. When we fear rejection, we are not at our best when we’re with other people. We hold back. We also end up feeling resentful of other people who seem to have it easier or who don’t seem to notice how sensitive we are. The results of living with fear of rejection include: low self-esteem feeling needy for comfort and affirmation anger, which the person who fears rejection believes he or she needs to hide

3. Fear of criticism/judgment Who has never had a fear of being judged? When we fear criticism, we end up working under more stress than we need to. We have difficulty feeling our work is ever good enough. The results of fear of criticism include: anxiety and low self-esteem denial of the importance of actual deadlines failure to perform to potential

4. Fear of uncertainty So often we are fully capable of doing our work, but we get blocked by the fear of what will happen once the work is completed. When we fear uncertainty, we tend to insist on things happening perfectly. This leads us to overworking in both our work and our relationships. The result of fears of uncertainty include: perfectionism rigidity and a desire for control ruminating over choices and decisions stress

5. Fear of comparison Many of us are fearful of being compared to other people in a negative light. The root of this fear of comparison may lie in a complex relationship with a brother or sister, an undiagnosed learning disorder, early childhood success or fame, or a cultural background which favors high achievement. When we worry too much about being compared unfavorably to others, we may have: difficulty developing actual, realistic goals for ourselves anxiety that our work is not good enough intense self-criticism problems finishing our work

6. Fear of losing freedom The fear of losing our sense of freedom is one of the trickiest of the 7 Tricky Fears. Why? Because when we sense we might lose some of our autonomy, we end up refusing to move forward, which ends up sapping our spirit of being free anyway! You may sense someone has this fear if: he or she has been procrastinating chronically he or she has not been making changes that seem straightforward and beneficial

7. Fear of feeling vulnerable Our fear of being vulnerable is perhaps the real reason we cling to so many different types of fears. We don’t want to feel shaky, incompetent, unready, or unsure. We don’t want to get caught not knowing what we are doing or where we are going. The key to healthy living, in our personal and professional lives, is embracing our own vulnerability. We need to learn how to live and to work alongside our feelings of vulnerability. Without being able to risk change, we cannot make the changes we know we are capable of.

6 Steps to Help Your Group Members Move Away from Fear Reduce anxiety by helping group members discuss their fears openly Normalize their experience, by indicating that many people share their experience Explore and challenge their fears and conflicts Support their natural desire to change Design a doable action for them to work on Praise and support their effort to make purposeful, meaningful change

Good luck with your groups! We all are familiar with the 7 Tricky Fears. We all are also familiar with the wish to be free of stress and drama when we try something new or challenging. Certainly the idea of starting and leading groups is neither simple, nor stress-free. To be at our best, we must figure out how to make our decisions unencumbered by the 7 Tricky Fears. Learn how to communicate clearly and openly. Make good choices and decisions without worrying about how they will look to other people. Remind yourself that you are flexible, resilient, and human -- just like everyone else is. There is no need for you to fall prey to the 7 Tricky Fears. They are just tricksters anyway!

How to Work with Me If you are interested in joining one of my Procrastination to Productivity 28-day on-line accountability groups, please visit this page for more information about the program. If you are interested in receiving weekly blog posts from me on the topic of Procrastination and how to recover from it, please sign up here. I’m regularly on Twitter, and I’d love for you to join me there too: Twitter@ChristineLiPhD. Best wishes to you in all you do! Christine Li, Ph.D. www.procrastinationcoach.com