Intimacy and Distance in Relationships Chapter 9

Intimacy in Relationships The Porcupines: Huddle together for warmth; sharp quills stick each other and they pull away, but they get cold. They keep adjusting their closeness and distance to keep from freezing and getting pricked by fellow porcupines. Humans need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, to feel we’re not alone in the world. But we need to keep our distance to preserve our independence, so others don’t impose or engulf us. We are individual AND social creatures

Importance of Intimacy People who report having satisfying intimate relationships have: Higher self-esteem Stronger sense of identity Greater feelings of control Hospice patients were asked “What mattered most in life?” 90% put intimate relationships at the top of their list Don’t wait until you’re dying to realize nothing in life is as important as a loving relationship

Dimensions of Intimacy Several hundred college students were asked to identify their “closest, deepest, most involved, and most intimate relationships” 47% identified a romantic partner 36% identified a close friend 14% identified a family member 03% identified other

Intimacy Has Several Dimensions (four) Physical: Mother/child, lovers Intellectual: Exchange of important ideas Emotional: Sharing personal information; face-to-face encounters are not the only encounters that produce intimate relationships Shared activities

Masculine and Feminine Intimacy styles Disclosure is a key ingredient in developing AND maintaining intimate relationships Women taken as a group tend to be better in this area than men taken as a group Greatest exchange of information occurs: Female to female relationships Male to female relationships Male to male relationships involve less disclosure than any other type

Type/Degree of Disclosure Social Penetration Model: describes two dimensions of disclosure - Breadth and Depth Disclosure of feelings is more revealing than disclosure of opinions Disclosure of opinions is more revealing than disclosure facts Clichés are the least revealing

Cultural Influences on Intimacy The greatest differences existed between Asian and European cultures in the area of intimacy: shaking hands to managing money Americans (United States) was especially high in self-disclosure; more disclosing than any other culture studied

Limits of Intimacy It’s impossible to have a close relationship with everyone Most of us can’t stand too much intimacy: takes time and energy Our range of everyday contacts don’t require intimacy: Economic: bank, grocery store; group membership: school, church; physical proximity: car pool, neighbors, etc.; some grow out of third-party connections: mutual friends, child care, etc. Some researchers have pointed out that an obsession with intimacy can lead to less satisfying relationships

Your Intimacy IQ (Intimacy Quotient) Read the Invitation to Insight on page 304; select an important relationship and rate your level of intimacy (Low to High), and answer the questions at the end of the INSIGHT ACTIVITY