Marriage – not for wimps!

Taken from a church bulletin:

Let’s lay down some foundational practices

The goal of communication is to understand and to be understood

The desired result is this Not this The desired result is this

One Absolute Requirement for Authentic Communication TRUST

Trust The ability to build confidence in a relationship so that both parties believe the other will not intentionally hurt them but will act in their best interest.

A safe place Response vs. Reaction Free expression of thoughts and feelings without judgment What’s said here stays here Unconditional love

Ground rules – The Dos: Use “I” statements -- speak only for yourself Ask your partner if they’re willing/ready to discuss the issue before diving in Set a date, time, place that’s comfortable for both Either person can call time out, but be sure to agree on a time to continue

Ground rules - the Don’ts: Don’t interrupt No yelling, screaming, no violence of any kind Don’t use “fight talk” (defined on next slide) If you’re doing more than just talking, don’t do it within earshot of the children Don’t start if you’re tired or not feeling well

Fight Talk Demanding, ordering Blaming, accusing, attacking, scolding Threatening consequences Labeling Name-calling, belittling, using loaded words Defending

Fight Talk Interrogating Judging/putting down Challenging/taunting Lecturing/moralizing/preaching Bragging Psychologizing, diagnosing Cursing/foul language

Step 1 Identify / Define the issue

Step 2 Who Where When How Energy Length Time Out Check the Process Agree to work through it Step 2

Understand the issue completely Step 3 Understand the issue completely

Step 4 Identify wants

Step 5 Generate options

Step 6 Choose actions

The Awareness Wheel The Issue I observe… (Sensory data) I think… I feel… I want… Let’s agree on a plan of action

The Listening Cycle Attend – be present in every way Acknowledge the other person’s experience Invite more information Summarize what you heard them say Ask open-ended questions