Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun Kidnapping Helen Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun

The Abduction of Helen of Troy by Cesare Dandini “The title of this painting is not the Abduction of Anybody, the title of this painting is Right This Way, My Lady.”

“This is just a calm walk to a boat with a deeply unattractive Paris.”

The Abduction of Helen by Guido Reni “She had time to bring her dog and a little monkey on a leash! And people are just standing around in the distance as their queen switches countries! Not caring a whit, like you do when your queen is abducted.”

The Abduction of Helen by Gavin Hamilton (1784) “This one at least has a battle going on in the background, which seems appropriate, but Helen is just languidly waving goodbye, like you do when you abandon your family/are forcibly removed from your country. She’s already grabbing Paris’ abs with her other hand! This is a stellar abduction.”

The Rape of Helen by Tintoretto (1578-1579) “THIS ONE IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE. The entire painting is wall-to-wall action shots and Helen is just LYING DOWN ON THE GROUND. ‘Someone pick me up when all of this is over, I don’t care what country I’m the queen of next.’”

The Abduction of Helen by Zanobi Strozzi “Here we see Helen receive a triumphant  piggy-back ride from her lover and captor as they flee the city.”

The Abduction of Helen by Juan de la Corte “This one is right in the middle. There’s clearly a struggle going on, but Helen is already pulling out the Shruggie. ‘What are you gonna do,’ she seems to say. ‘I’m already in the boat, honey. Nothing to be done about it. You just come find me in Troy if you want me to come home later.’”

The Rape of Helen by Francesco Primaticcio “THIS is an abduction. THANK YOU. (I mean. Not THANK you, obviously. Don’t abduct anyone.)”

L'enlèvement d'Hélène by Luca Giordano “Something about this painting just doesn’t quite capture the spirit of the moment. Helen looks more miffed than anguished, and the fellow brandishing the short sword on the far left side of the line is doing so rather wanly. Two stars.”

Abduction of Helen by Giovanni Francesco Romanelli “This is a good kidnapping! Helen is trying to avoid being dragged onto what appears to be a third of an actual boat, and there are people actively fighting over her in the background.”

This has all of the hallmarks of an abduction, but no one is actually behaving as if one is currently going on. All the soldiers are just standing around looking at one another. “Xanthos! How’s it been? Has it really been eight years since the last time I fought you for the possession of Helen? How’s Thebes?” Helen’s face is so grimly determined here, which I absolutely love. “My name is Paris – I sailed here for love of you – how you must despise me for tearing you from your children and lord, but I could not resist your beauty, for I –” “Just take me away from here. I don’t care what your name is.”

The Abduction of Helen by Laurent Pécheux The Mild Convincing Of Helen “Oh, I don’t know.” “Come on. You’ll like it.” “Oh, all right then.”

Abduction of Helen Venetian fresco, mid-18 century “‘No, help, don’t, stop, save me, Menelaus — oh, is this ship for me? Put me down on the port side, I want to see the islands.’”

Helen of Troy by Frederick Sandys “This is not the face of a woman who has just been forcibly removed from her family and country; this is the face of a woman who has been cut off by a bartender she thought was flirting with her but was actually just concerned about her drinking.”