Parenting Your Adolescent Small Acts, Big Impacts

Robyn’s background Taught pre-k & K School psychologist, LPCC, LEP CSULB part-time faculty in child/adolescent development Mom Suspended in kindergarten Suspended in 11th grade Previous Principal Director, Mental Health Services

Adolescents are not adults, nor are they children Their brains are not fully cooked. Prefrontal cortex growth is associated with memory, reasoning, impulse control, and decision making

Adolescents are not adults, nor are they children Increased Dopamine Dopamine stimulates reward system Dopamine spike results in hyperactivation Hyperactivation linked to adolescent motivations for risk-taking and novelty

Video: Empathy in Adolescence: Can Adolescents Feel for Others? Moral Development Video: Empathy in Adolescence Video: Empathy in Adolescence: Can Adolescents Feel for Others? Click on video to play 5 5

Robyn’s thoughts on parenting 1. It’s a phase – it is not your job to fix it, it is your job to tolerate it until it passes And 2. It’s a phase – experience the parts you enjoy because it will not last

Small acts Fighting with them sometimes means holding your ground . Don’t fire with fire, don’t add fuel to the fire. or water, sometimes you just have to wait for it to burn itself out.

Small acts Being heard is more important than being right. Hearing them – and making sure they feel heard – is critical if you want them to consider your advice. Hear what they think, what they want and why it’s important to them.

Small acts Separate them from their behavior, it is not a package deal. They are more than their questionable behavior. We all are. The fatal mistake is to think (or convey) that to reject the bad behavior we have to reject them to. Reject one. Love the other.

Small acts It’s your job to give them freedom, it’s there job to prove they can be trusted with it. Make an agreement. They will always be where they say they will be and if plans change they will let you know. They will keep their phone availabe and

Small acts And, you don’t have to trust anyone else. safe places safe people photograph the alcohol, valuables, etc. secret code Make an agreement. They will always be where they say they will be and if plans change they will let you know. They will keep their phone availabe and

Small acts Understand the need they are meeting, or trying to meet, with their behaviors. The need to escape from the world for a while, time in room, online, avoiding responsibilities. Need for approval. Need to feel independent from you (hostility, defiance, arguing).

Small acts Don’t ask why? Asking why they engage in an inappropriate behavior implies there could be a reason to justify the behavior.

Small acts Model what you want your child to learn. Calm voice, validating statements, giving, donating to charity. Take your child along.

Small acts Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce! 7:2 rule

Small acts Remember: It’s all a phase It’s all normal They are supposed to be this way