How to discuss and negotiate consent

Some people think consent can be confusing, but it’s actually really simple when you know how to discuss it. Consent is key to a healthy sex life, and knowing that a partner is excited and enthusiastic about having sex with you will never “ruin the mood.”

Ways to ask for consent… Do you want me to…? Would you like it if I…? Is it OK if I…? How do you feel about…? Do you want to try…? Do you want me to keep going? Can you think of any others?

Don’t be afraid of being direct Don’t be afraid of being direct. Being honest is the best way to understand what you both want.

Ways to say “no”… Sometimes it can feel awkward or uncomfortable to say no, especially when you’re unsure. There are lots of easy ways to help you do it. I would prefer not to… I would rather not… I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t think I’m ready for that. Maybe another time, but not now. I would prefer it if we…? I would feel more comfortable if… I don’t want to do this any more. This isn’t working for me.

Remember you ALWAYS have the right to say no, and you can change your mind about saying “yes” at any point during sex. If at any time, the other person seems unsure about carrying on, stop and see how they’re feeling.

Non-verbal cues, or body language Sometimes people might not be able to say no, but you can understand how they’re feeling from the way they act. What other ways can you think of? Signs of consent Signs of not consenting Direct eye contact Looking away Initiating sexual contact Not initiating any sexual contact Actively touching someone Avoiding touching someone and being touched Pulling someone closer Pushing someone away, moving away from their touch Nodding yes Shaking their head Smiling Looking sad or fearful Comfortable with being naked Uncomfortable being naked or not wanting to remove their clothes Moaning or sounds of enjoyment Silence, a trembling voice Active participation, movement Not moving, freezing and laying still Saying something feels good Saying or sound like they are in pain Saying yes Saying no, or maybe Adapted from Scarleteen, scarleteen.com

Everyone has different ways to say “yes” or “no” but consent means nothing less than an enthusiastic YES!

Where to get help If you’ve been raped or assaulted and you need urgent medical care, call 999 (or 112 from a mobile) and ask for an ambulance, or go straight to your nearest A&E. You can also call 999 (or 112 from a mobile) if you wish to speak to the police. A doctor or nurse can help you get emotional support. They may have to talk about what happened with other people but they'll talk to you about this first.

Where to get help Rape Crisis England and Wales Rape Crisis Scotland Support for people in England and Wales who have experienced rape, child sexual abuse or any kind of sexual violence Phone: 0808 802 9999 (Every day from 12pm - 2.30pm and 7pm - 9.30pm) www.rapecrisis.org.uk Rape Crisis Scotland Phone: 0808 801 03 02 (Every day from 6pm – 12am) www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk 24 Hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline (Northern Ireland) Support, advice and signposting service run by Women’s Aid for people of all genders in Northern Ireland who have been affected by domestic or sexual violence Phone: 0808 802 1414 www.womensaidni.org Childline Help and emotional support for people aged 18 or under Phone: 0800 1111 www.childline.org.uk Switchboard – the LGBT+ helpline Support and advice for people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or other identities (LGBTI+) Phone: 0300 330 0630 www.switchboard.lgbt