写作与讲评 Completing the story -- Focus on coherence（连贯） Coherent: (of ideas, thoughts, arguments, etc.) logical and well organized; easy to understand and clear 合乎逻辑的，有条理的
original passage two given stentences What tense (时态) did the writer use to narrate(叙述)the story? Once upon a time there was a beautiful town and a couple of lovers would often stay together on the mountain top enjoying the sunrise and by the sea appreciating the sunset. Everyone couldn’t help envying（嫉妒）them for their happy love. ... ...enjoy the sunrise and to the seaside to enjoy the sunset together. All these should have belonged to her, but now they belonged to another woman. original passage Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. two given stentences
make the tense consistent with the original passage . (时态与原文一致） Tip 1: To achieve coherence, Are there any grammatical errors in the tense? Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ①The pretty lady accompany the man every day. ②They were in happy love as the man and the woman had been before. ③Although it is very sad to see them stay together everyday, the butterfly still loved the man.④ The day when the man married the female doctor came. ⑤The butterfly’s eyes were full of tears.⑥ She fly away silently and sadly. ⑦At that moment, she realized that the man wouldn't know her deep love was still there. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done.⑧The butterfly replied, “No, never will I regret. But I am sad now. ”⑨ God told the man the truth that the butterfly is his former lover.⑩ He felt regretful and moved. ⑪Finally, they live a happy life. accompanied was flew was lived
Is the story coherent? Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ①The pretty lady accompanied the man every day. ②They were in happy love as the man and the woman had been before. ③Although it was very sad to see them stay together everyday, the butterfly still loved the man.④ The day when the man got married with the female doctor came. ⑤The butterfly’s eyes were full of tears. ⑥She flew away silently and sadly. ⑦At that moment, she realized that the man wouldn't know her deep love was still there. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ⑧ The butterfly replied, “No, never will I regret. But I am sad now. ” ⑨God told the man the truth that the butterfly was his former lover. ⑩He felt regretted and moved. ⑪Finally, they lived a happy life.
Which version is coherent? Paragraph1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on.① The pretty lady accompanied the man every day. Version 2 : The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ②The butterfly tried her best to catch his eyes and the man noticed the butterfly gradually. × accompany √ She saw
√ √ × Tip 2 : To achieve coherence, develop the plot based on the previous persons and things. (根据前文的人和物发展情节） Tip 2 : To achieve coherence, Exercise1: Which sentence follows the given sentence logically? Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ___?___ ①She wanted to attract the man’s attention, but the man didn’t realize her existence. ②But the man always drove her away without mercy. ③The pretty female doctor didn't notice her. √ √ ×
Are the two paragraphs coherent? ...The butterfly’s eyes were full of tears, she flew away silently and sadly. At that moment, she realized that the man wouldn't know her deep love was still there. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done ________________________________ She flew to the church and prayed to God.
Think and discuss:which version is better? Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ①The butterfly replied that she would never regret. ②God told the man the truth. The butterfly was his former lover. Version 2 Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ①The butterfly replied that she would never regret.② Moved by her words, God told the man the truth that the butterfly was his former lover. _________________ _____________
Exercise 2 :Make the paragraph coherent. add some details to make ideas coherent. （添加细节使语意连贯） Exercise 2 :Make the paragraph coherent. Tip 3 : To achieve coherence, Exercise 2 : Are the sentences in the paragraph coherent? Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ①The butterfly replied that she would never regret.② Moved by her words, God told the man the truth that the butterfly was his former lover. ③The man was shocked and moved. ④Finally, the woman and the man lived a happy life. Then he told the truth to the female doctor and waited for the butterfly to be a woman.
Revise (修改）the passage based on what we have learned . Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ①She want to cry but she had no tears because she was a butterfly. ②The man didn't know her sadness. ③He is in happy love with the doctor. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ④ “No, I'll never regret.”⑤The butterfly reply without hesitation. ⑥She continued, “ Although he lets me down, I still love him. ” ⑦Surprisingly, the butterfly find herself turn into human. ⑧God said with a smile, “ In fact, all these are just a dream. ⑨You have never been a butterfly. ”⑩Suddenly, everything changed.⑪The man looked at her with a smile.
Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ①She want (wanted) to cry but she had no tears because she was a butterfly. ②The man didn't know her sadness. ③He is (was) in happy love with the doctor. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ④ “No, I'll never regret.”⑤The butterfly reply (replied) without hesitation. ⑥She continued, “ Although he lets me down, I still love him. ” ⑦Surprisingly, the butterfly find (found) herself turn into human. ⑧God said with a smile, “ In fact, all these are just a dream. ⑨You have never been a butterfly. ”⑩Suddenly, everything changed.⑪The man looked at her with a smile.
Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ①She want (wanted) to cry but she had no tears because she was a butterfly. ②She realized the man didn't know her sadness. ③He is (was) in happy love with the doctor, which made the butterfly heartbroken. Then she flew to the church and told everything to God. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ④ “No, I'll never regret.”⑤The butterfly reply (replied) without hesitation. ⑥She continued, “ Although he lets me down, I still love him. ” ⑦Surprisingly, the butterfly find (found) herself turn into human. ⑧God said with a smile, “ In fact, all these are just a dream. ⑨You have never been a butterfly. ”⑩Suddenly, everything changed. ⑪The man looked at her with a smile.
Paragraph 1 The butterfly could do nothing but rest on the man’s shoulder off and on. ①She want (wanted) to cry but she had no tears because she was a butterfly. ②She realized the man didn't know her sadness. ③He is (was) in happy love with the doctor, which made the butterfly heartbroken. Then she flew to the church and told everything to God. Paragraph 2 God also felt sad and asked the butterfly whether she regretted for what she had done. ④ “No, I'll never regret.”⑤The butterfly reply (replied) without hesitation. ⑥She continued, “ Although he lets me down, I still love him. ” ⑦Surprisingly, the butterfly find (found) herself turn into human. ⑧God said with a smile, “ In fact, all these are just a dream. ⑨You have never been a butterfly. ”⑩Suddenly, everything changed. God disappeared and she was in hospital. ⑪The man looked at her with a smile.
Homework Revise your story based on the three tips and rewrite it .