Effective Communications Styles: LEADER’S GUIDE (1 minute) 1. Introduce yourself Work experience Name and contact information for your organization Professional Credentials 2. Introduce Topic Welcome to Developing and Maintaining Healthy Interpersonal Relationships: How Are Your Relationship Bank Accounts? Explain the seminar is sponsored by Compaq U.S. Benefits and WorkLife Resources. With April 15th being income tax deadline, money/bank accounts are the theme for this class since many of us are thinking about $$$ this month. All material is included in your Participant’s Guide--all the overhead points with speaker’s notes, quotes, plus supplemental material. During class, we will discuss pages 2-9 in your Participant’s Guide (Handouts #1-7). All the rest is additional information, tips and exercises for review at your convenience. Class will be held until ____. In case you need to leave before that time, please place your completed evaluations _______.

Learning Outcomes As a result of this seminar, you will be able to: 1. Understand barriers to effective communication 2. Explore some of the generalizations about men and women in relationships. 3. Identify your personal withdrawal techniques by reviewing the “Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers. 4. Develop a better understanding of your partner’s way of communicating. 5. Identify some of the common “power plays” that are used by couples in a relationship. (1 minute total) 4. Learning Outcomes Review the Learning Outcomes as participants look at page 2 (Handout #1) of Participant’s Guide. (Learning Outcomes are continued on Overhead 4) 3

Learning Outcomes con’t. 6. Understanding some of the “Do’s and Don’ts” of couples communication 7. Demonstrate empathic listening 8. Construct “I” messages 9. Rate your “People Skills” and identify areas for improvement 10. Explore the reality and the value of marital conflicts 11. Explore the concept of a “couple’s time out” 12. Identify some of the “red flags” in relationships 11. Where to turn when your relationship needs help (1 minute total) 4. Learning Outcomes - con’t. Finish reviewing Learning Outcomes on page 2 of Participant’s Guide. 4

Effective Communications Barriers to Effective Communication 1. Different ways of viewing world can lead to honest misunderstandings 2. Expecting other person to be a mind reader 3. Taking other person’s words personally and either getting defensive or withdrawing 4. Getting stuck in rut – having the same interactions again and again, nothing ever gets resolved (8 minutes--Overheads 5-8 total) 5. Deposits Take More Effort Than Withdrawals - Barriers to Effective Communication Have participants look at page 3 (Handout #2) of the Participant’s Guide as facilitator reviews the common barriers to effective communication. To illustrate point #1, show the young lady/old woman drawing - Overhead 6. Ask participants what they see - the old woman or the young lady. Point out how two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right! In addition, point #1 can be illustrated using the Tiger, Teddy Bear, Rock Star Exercise: In pairs, participants stand back to back and respond as you ask the questions below. After each question, each person decides on the response that best describes him/her. The leader counts 1, 2, 3. On 3, both people face each other showing their responses. The three responses are: Tiger--growl , show teeth and claws Teddy Bear--hug self, say “ah” Rock Star--one fist up, pull down, say “yes!” 1. How are you when you get up on Monday morning? 2. How are you when you get up on Saturday morning? 3. How would your co-workers describe you? 4. How would the person closest to you describe you? Point out how there are no right or wrong responses, we are each different in our perceptions and ways we related to the world! 5

What do you see? 6 (8 minutes--Overheads 5-8 total) This Overhead is used to illustrate point #1 on Overhead 5 - Barriers to Effective Communication. Ask participants what they see - the old woman or the young lady. Hint: The old woman is a profile shot and her nose is large. The young lady is looking away. The old woman’s eye is the young lady’s ear, her large nose is the young lady’s jaw line, and the old woman’s lips become a necklace for the young lady. Again, point out how two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right! Perception is the key! 6

Barriers to Effective Communication con’t. 5. Thinking of response or daydreaming 6. Not understanding different ways men and women typically view “talking” 7. Ignoring importance of non-verbal communication 8. Not taking the time to communicate (8 minutes--Overheads 5-8 total) 5. Deposits Take More Effort Than Withdrawals - Barriers to Effective Communication - con’t. Have participants continue to look at page 3 of their Participant’s’ Guide (Handout #2) as facilitator continues reviewing the common barriers to effective communication. To illustrate point #7 of Barriers to Effective Communication, show Overhead #8 - the pie graph Communication. As you go over the pie graph emphasize the importance of body language and voice in communication. 7

Differences between Men and Women Women: Understanding How Men Communicate KIS- “Keep It Simple” Stay on one topic at a time: men think in a linear and sequential manner Do not be offended if he does not maintain eye contact Expect interruptions: this is his way of showing interest in the topic Expect distracting behavior: walking around and talking Men have a strong need to be “right” Avoid directing a man: instead ask, “have you considered …” Avoid nodding: to a man it means you agree and not just that you are listening Keep a sense of humor

Differences between Men and Women Men: Understanding How Women Communicate Women speak twice as many words as a man Set a time every day to communicate for at least 15 minutes Try to make direct eye contact Try to not interrupt Ask her to stick to one subject at a time Respect the versatility of the female mind: women tend to wander and this makes no sense to men Her “guiding the relationship” is not meant as bossiness: women tend to be more directing and guiding If you feel she is nagging, do some self checking: Ask her to talk with you and not at you with an “I” statement Keep your sense of humor

Communication 55%--Body Body language, facial expressions, hand gestures, use of space, movements 38%--Voice Tone, pitch, rate, volume 07%--Word Actual words spoken This Overhead is used to illustrate point #7 - Barriers to Effective Communication. Show Overhead #8, Communication pie graph and emphasize the importance of body language and voice. Exercise: Have participants say “good afternoon” three times: 1. With a frown, squeezing their eyebrows together 2. With a neutral face, stone face, hardly moving upper lip 3. With a big smile and “happy eyes” Body language usually affects the tone of voice. 8

“Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers JUDGING Criticizing Name-Calling or Labeling Diagnosing Using “Loaded” Words SENDING SOLUTIONS Ordering Threatening Moralizing Probing or Quizzing AVOIDING THE OTHER PERSON’S CONCERNS Advising Diverting or “Me, Too--ing” Arguing Logically Reassuring (5 minutes) 6. Ways to Make Quick Withdrawals - “Dirty Dozen” of Communication Spoilers Have participants look at page 4 of the Participant’s Guide (Handout #3) as leader points out ways to make “quick withdrawals” from relationship accounts. Highlight each of the three main categories--judging, sending solutions ,and avoiding the other person’s concerns. Ask participants how they feel when someone communicates in these ways: “Which ones bother you the most?” Ask them to circle the number (1-12) on page 4 of the Participant’s Guide indicating any communication spoilers they think they be guilty of. 9

Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships 1. Listen and understand the individual 2. Attend to the little things 3. Keep commitments 4. Clarify expectations 5. Show personal integrity 6. Apologize sincerely when you make a relationship withdrawal 7. Establish Win/Win relationships (10 minutes--Overheads 10 & 11) 7. How to Make MAJOR Deposits - Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships Have participants look at pages 5 & 6 in the Participant’s Guide (Handout #4) as leader reviews ways to make major deposits giving real examples from your own personal experience or asking participants for their experiences whenever possible. For point #1, show: Overhead 11 - Habit 5 - Seek first to understand . . . 10

Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships con’t. 8. Be assertive and use I-messages 9. Practice effective communication skills. (10 minutes--Overheads 10-12) Have participants continue to look at pages 5 & 6 in the Participant’s Guide (Handout #4) as leader continues reviewing ways to make major deposits giving real examples from your own personal experience or asking participants for their experiences whenever possible. 12

Habits of Effective People Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Stephen Covey Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (10 minutes--Overheads 10-12) This slide is used to reinforce point #1, of Ways to Make Major Deposits - Building Healthy Interpersonal Relationships. 11

Common Power Plays Giving advice but not accepting it. Having difficulty reaching out and asking for support and love. Giving orders: demanding and expecting too much from others. Being judgmental, PUT-DOWNS, fault finding, persecuting. Holding out on others; not giving them what they need or want. Making and then breaking promises. Smothering or over-nurturing your partner. Patronizing/condescending behavior/one up and one down. Making decisions for others. Putting others in a “no-win” situation. Attempting to change the other.

Listening 13 (7 minutes-Overheads 13 and 14) 8. Exercise: Listening Have participants look at page 7 of their Participant’s Guide (Handout #5) and review important points about the value of listening, the levels of listening, empathic responses, and helpful phrases to acknowledge understanding. Exercise: Have participants get into pairs -- one talker and one listener. For about two minutes, the sender discusses the last time he or she was angry (or happy or just had strong emotions.) The listener is to paraphrase and try to identify the feelings of the sender. After about two minutes, change roles and continue this exercise for another two minutes. At the end of the exercise, discuss how it went. “How does it feel to have someone trying to really listen and understand?” 13

Ancient Proverb We have been given two ears and one mouth. We should listen twice as much as we talk! Reminder for participants: Listening is a powerful gift and can be freely given. Point out words on this overhead and emphasize the importance of practicing good listening skills - the best method for making major deposits in any relationship bank account. 14

Effective Communication Techniques Reflective Listening Techniques Mirroring: The process of accurately reflecting back the content of a message from your partner. Validating: Let your partner know that the information being sent make sense. Empathy: The process of reflecting or imaging the feelings the sending partner is experiencing about an event or situation.

“I” messages 15 (5 minutes) 8. Exercise--I messages Have participants turn to page 8 (Handout #6) in their Participant’s Guide while leader reviews information on “You” and “I” messages. Give a real-life example of a “You” message being converted to an “I” message from your personal experience. Have participants construct an “I” statement from the situation they used in the listening exercise, or convert a recent “You” statement to an “I” message. Have them complete the example exercise on page 8 of their Participant’s Guide. Ask for feedback. 15

“I” Messages Describes objectively how you feel. Focuses on your feelings. Does not assign blame. Specific behavior is described. Non-verbal elements such as tone of voice and body language are critical. Requires a non-judgmental attitude. Can include a state of change and consequence.

“I” Messages Constructing an “I” message Describe the behavior objective. When… Expresses your feelings about the behavior. I feel… Describe the effect on you. …because… Make a statement of change. I want you to… Statement of consequences. If you do/do not … I will...

How do your people skills rate? (5 minutes) Have participants complete the rating scale on page 9 (Handout #7) of the Participant’s Guide for a quick rating of their “people skills.” Have each person complete the questions, total the number of yes answers and look at the key at the bottom of the page. Mention--No matter how good your people skills are, there are always areas that can be improved. Which of these might you choose to concentrate your energy on? Circle the number (1 - 10) from this rating scale indicating any specific ways you want to improve your people skills. 16

Are you a Passive, Aggressive, Aggressive, or Assertive Communicator?

Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont.

Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont

Are you Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive? Cont

Assertive Communicators: Best communication style. Basis for a healthy interpersonal relationship. Have a positive reserve in their relationship bank account.

7 Signs of Communication Problems: Helplessness Anxiety Hostility Frustration Cynicism Loss of Self-Esteem Hopelessness

Do’s and Don’ts of Communication Criticize “Hit below the belt” Threaten to end the relationship Just complain Assume the other person knows what you are thinking Interrupt Be sarcastic Generalize with “always” or “never” Make vague requests Be more concerned with winning or being right Question excessively Raise your voice or lose emotional control

Do’s and Don’ts of Couple Communication Know each gender’s different ways of communicating Take time out to think about the problem and clarify your position Be specific Be honest Ask for and give feedback Discuss one issue at a time Stay on topic Try to understand your partner’s position Consider a compromise Stick to the present Retire your score board Practice effective communication techniques such as “I” statements and reflective listening Call a time out when necessary

Marital Conflict It should not be: Hurtful Rejecting Insulting   Rejecting Insulting Humiliating Manipulating About winning and losing

Marital Conflict 2 It should be: Necessary Natural Inevitable   Natural Inevitable Just a difference in what you and your partner want, need, or think. A sign that your relationship has great potential for growth. An opportunity to try something different.

Time Outs Partners agree to come back to an issue after spending time away You come back together after a period of time to attempt to settle the differences Options for settling a disagreement: agree, compromise, disagree, or agree to disagree peacefully

Where to Turn When the Relationship is in Trouble? EAP Individual and/or Marital Counseling Relationship Building Activities Friends Support Groups Church

If it’s to be, It’s up to me! Conclusion If it’s to be, It’s up to me! Dennis Waitley Psychology of Winning (1 minute) Remember: It’s just as important to know the balance in your relationship bank accounts as it is to know your actual checking and savings account balances. Use the skills you have identified. Think about your Action Plan. Start practicing today! Commit yourself to improving the account balances of your interpersonal relationships. Take the first step - Overhead 18. Reference supplemental material (pages 10 - 17 in Participants’ Guide) if time allows. Point out page 18 of the Participant’s Guide, Resources and Suggested Readings. (3 minutes) Highlight the EAP and WorkLife Resources programs and give contact information. Make available WorkLife Resources Directory of Services and EAP materials. “Thanks for coming.” (5 minutes) Have participants complete evaluations. 18