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No Fear

We’ll never fully trust someone if we’re afraid of them

Religious Fears God is not happy you if you don’t behave like we say You’re not being a good Christian if you don’t conform to our ways You won’t be blessed if you don’t give us $ Those other churches should feel ashamed You’re going to hell

Workplace Fears Nobody thinks they're a fear-based leader, and yet there are fear-based managers everywhere Fear of losing job Fear of no/low pay raise or missed promotion Shame of a bad review Rules/SOPs Criticizing others to get ahead Freedom to fail Teamwork

Relationship Fears Fear of Intimacy Real love makes us feel vulnerable New love stirs up past hurts With real joy comes the risk of real pain

Relationship Fears Psychology Today, Aug 13, 2009 “Near the end of our three-day boot camps for highly distressed couples, I ask the men to list all the ways they are likely to make their partner anxious or afraid without meaning to and the women to list all the ways they are likely to stimulate shame in their partners with no intention to do so.”

25 ways men make women anxious Relationship Fears 25 ways men make women anxious • Ignore her • Tell her what to do • Be short with your answers • Tune out her feelings • Stonewall or give her the cold shoulder • Take her for granted • Limit or criticize her spending • Tell her to stop worrying • Tell her she's making too much of it • Tell her to get over it • Tell her she talks too much • Complain about her weight

25 ways men make women anxious (cont.) Relationship Fears 25 ways men make women anxious (cont.) • Criticize her family • Withdraw or shut down • Yell or get angry • Pout or sulk • Threaten to quit your job • Flirt with other women • Don't know her dreams • Tell her she's just like her mother • Complain about her girlfriends • Give her the cold shoulder • Dismiss her ideas • Sound like you're trapped in the marriage • Buy a sports car

25 ways to stimulate shame in a man Relationship Fears 25 ways to stimulate shame in a man • Exclude him from important decisions • Correct what he says • Question his judgment • Give unsolicited advice • Dismiss his opinion • Imply inadequacy • Make unrealistic demands of his time and energy • Overreact • Ignore his desires • Focus on what you didn't get, rather than what you got • Withhold praise • Use a harsh tone

25 ways to stimulate shame in a man (cont.) Relationship Fears 25 ways to stimulate shame in a man (cont.) • Be abrupt - spring things on him • Undermine his wishes • Condescend • Criticize his personality • Disrespect his work • Show little or no interest in his interests • Criticize his family • Interpret, psychoanalyze, or diagnose him • Make comparisons to other men • Focus on your unhappiness • Put friends before him • Value others' needs over his • Rob him of the opportunity to help

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you. Be strong and courageous Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

1 John 4:18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.

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