Promoting Healthy Relationships and Body Safety in Young Children of All Abilities Rachel Nemhauser Parent to Parent Program Supervisor RNemhauser@arcofkingcounty.org (206) 829-7046 Claire Tierney Healthy Relationships Program Manager CTierney@arcofkingcounty.org (206) 829-7045

Today’s presentation will cover: Sexual Development in Children With and Without Disabilities Mental Age Theory: Harmful or Helpful? Fielding Difficult Questions About Relationships and Sexuality Let’s Practice: You want to know the answer to what??? Developing core skills: Consent, Boundaries, Assertiveness, Privacy Get Creative: Develop an activity to promote core skills.

Sexual Development What is the same and what is different? The Same for Everyone Assigned gender and gender conditioning Experiences sexual feelings and need intimacy Has aspirations that include things like marriage and starting a family Goes through puberty and hits other physical developmental milestones Need education to navigate sexuality safely Different for People with I/DD Experiences social isolation Has a privacy Deficit Emphasis on compliance Needs more explicit social cues to be successful when socializing Inappropriate behaviors are seen and accepted as part of the disability, and permitted More helper relationships Less access to sex education (formal and informal)

Mental Age Theory Conversations with Ivanova Smith “Technically she’s sixteen but mentally she’s like a toddler.” Convenient or harmful? How does using Mental Age Theory impact how you answer a student’s questions? How you advise them on life decisions? Alternatives to Mental Age Theory Mental Age: The measure of an individual's mental attainment based on the age in which it takes an average individual to reach that same level of attainment.

“What is masturbation?” Oh No, What Do I Do Now? Fielding difficult questions about relationships and sexuality Example “What is masturbation?” Is this a question about the physical act of masturbation? Is this a question about the social implications of masturbation? Is this about the feelings that come with masturbation? Deconstructing The Question Ask clarifying questions so you understand what’s being asked. Consider the different implications of the question.

Oh No, What Do I Do Now? Fielding difficult questions about relationships and sexuality Acknowledge your discomfort Give positive messages It’s ok to feel embarrassed It’s ok to make a plan to answer the question, or have a bigger talk later Be concrete and graphic Use anatomically correct language Use repetition Combat negative messages, especially ones related to disability As educators we give information, but parents can also talk about their values around these subjects.

Developing Core Skills Consent and Boundaries Ask permission for hugs, high fives, etc. Encourage your child to do the same with people and pets. Say thank you when a boundary is shared from your child or when they respect the boundaries of others. Let caregivers, medical professionals, and family members know they need to ask permission before routine activities that involve touch. Talk frequently about what kind of touch is allowed, and by whom.

Developing Core Skills Choice Choices help combat feelings of powerlessness. Demand tolerance is a skill we develop in parallel to making choices. When something has to be done, offer choices on how it gets done. Choices within necessary tasks combats feelings of helplessness and can prevent or deescalate conflict. Make sure participants understand why the task at hand is necessary. Create options during regular routines and respect the choices made. Let them know their voice matters. If you mess up or embarrass them, you can apologize and let them know you heard them.

Developing Core Skills Assertiveness Offer YES or NO choices, and say “Thank you for sharing your boundaries” when the answer is no. When doing routine activities (preparing a snack, for example) talk about how that activity would be different if a stranger or acquaintance did it Roleplay scenarios in which your child can practice saying no Practice the nonverbal components of assertiveness: standing tall, looking in the eye, holding out a hand, open and confident body language, etc.

Developing Core Skills Privacy Ensure your child has a place where they can expect privacy. Practice naming the most and least private places your child has access to, adding nuance as skills develop Use anatomically appropriate language to talk about the areas on the body that we usually consider private. “Anything covered by a bathing suit” is an easily understood definition to start with. Define not only what body parts and places are private, but also what activities and information are private.

Contact Information Claire Tierney Healthy Relationships Program Manager The Arc of King County CTierney@arcofkingcounty.org (206) 829-7045 Rachel Nemhauser Parent to Parent Program Supervisor The Arc of King County RNemhauser@arcofkingcounty.org (206) 829-7046