A Memorandum of Understanding Approach to relationships Michael Free PhD Clinical Psychologist in Private Practice 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

So often we deal with relationships in therapy… Dyad or family in the room Parent re a child Child re a parent Sibling re sibling Worker re colleague Worker re supervisor Friend re friend 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

There are a lot of touchy-feely approaches to relationships This is an alternative/adjunct! 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

All relationships are contractual! A memorandum of understanding (MoU) describes a bilateral or multilateral agreement between two or more parties. It expresses a convergence of will between the parties, indicating an intended common line of action. (Wikipedia) The jump here is to see relationships as contractual and based on an MOU 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free An MOU Is a convergence of interests, intentions, and behaviour Is enforced largely by the intention of the parties to form a common cause, for mutually beneficial process and/or outcome(s) Is not necessarily enforceable by legal action Can be written or verbal The text contains the agreement, ultimately an offer and acceptance It is necessarily loose, but behaviour not in accord with the perceived agreement can lead to change or withdrawal from the agreement 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free A useful metaphor? If we see therapy as a metacognitive phenomenon, part of what we are doing is presenting metaphors so that the client can engage with change Seeing relationships as the embodiment of an MOU between the parties allows people to see their relationships differently I find it works in many situations, especially with business people 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

A useful conceptual tool? It has interesting insights to offer It allows us to use: Conflict resolution approaches, one of which is “Principled negotiation” Cognitive therapy Behavioural techniques Problem solving 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Some important insights All relationships are based on understandings that have explicit and implicit components We seldom acknowledge the implicit parts, and the explicit parts cause trouble in and of themselves Change is part of life: the environment changes, and interests change Others? 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free An MOU Means that implicit components are made explicit Embodies the potential for renegotiation Especially apt because of: Change in gender roles since the 1950s Cultural and sub-cultural mixing associated with globalisation 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free Implications Implicit components must be identified Benefits for all parties must be identified Change must be acknowledged Relationship stress and breakdown can be seen as stress and breakdown of the memorandum of understanding. At least one party, preferably both/all must commit to “negotiation” 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free Formats Dyadic One party The MOU metaphor The main thing is to get the person to take responsibility for renegotiating the MOU A parable that fits with their background is often useful Awareness of classical logical errors is useful, especially moving ‘shoulds’ to statements of desire Having done that we need to use the tools… 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free Cognitive Therapy Identify the meanings underlying behaviour and reactions The importance of logical errors, especially Ignoring facts Black and white thinking Shoulds Mindreading The importance of irrational beliefs 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Principled Negotiation Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton, “Getting to Yes” 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Principled Negotiation Core aspects Separate the people from the problem Analysis? Radical change of focus- very different from many approaches to relationships, especially EFT Focus on interests, not positions CT… the meaning, the reasons behind the reasons Invent options for mutual gain Problem solving Improve your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) A power analysis 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Separate the People from the Problem Help your client to see the problem and the other person as different things, to be dealt with in different matrices There are always substantive AND relational issues in negotiation and mediation. Both need to be explored. PN is not incompatible with person based issues, such as perception, emotion, and communication Standard counselling looks at the personal and emotional issues. The gift of PN is that it makes us look at BOTH those, and more materialistic concerns 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Focus on Interests, Not Positions Positions are symbolic representations of a participant's underlying interests. There are multiple, shared, compatible, and conflicting interests. Find these out, especially the client’s own! Identifying shared and compatible interests as "common ground" or "points of agreement" Identify the principles that underlie both the client's the other person’s behaviour Principles can often be extrapolated from "points of agreement" to resolve other issues Focusing on interests tends to direct the discussion to the present and future 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Convert Positions to Interests to Positive Intentions Be aware that negotiating parties tend to come to negotiation with well-rehearsed positional statements about the truth of the situation Try to assist all parties to get below their positions to achieve a full understanding of their respective interests. Presume all negotiating parties want to improve their situations Reframe the mediation effort to become a joint search for mutually acceptable solutions to the parties identified issue(s) 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free To find out interests, you (or the client of the other party) may ask questions like: "What is motivating you here?" "What are you trying to satisfy" or "What would you like to accomplish?" You may also ask: "If you had what you are asking for (your position), what would that experientially get you - what interests would that satisfy?" 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Dealing with “Framing Issues” Help the client(s) to see the situation from your opponent's perspective. Help the client(s) to not deduce the other party’s intentions from their own fears. Help the client(s) to avoid blaming the other party for the problem. Discuss the (probable) perceptions of all parties Help the client(s) to act inconsistently with the other party’s negative (mis)perceptions. Try to get the other party to participate in the negotiation process. Help the client(s) to make their your proposals consistent with the principles of the other party 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

The BATNA: Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement Help the client(s) to know what their BATNA is, often the persistence of the status quo And that the aim is to improve the quality of their BATNA This can be by developing an alternative to the relationship It may help to evaluate that 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Inventing options for mutual gain Brainstorming. The parties, with or without the therapist’s participation, generate many possible solutions before deciding which of those best fulfill the parties' joint interests. Similar to standard Problem Solving Parties look for mutual gains, and generate options beneficial to the other parties interests in accordance with the principles of both parties Generate and weight Pros and Cons Rate and select amongst options using objective or behavioural criteria 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

The Irrational Beliefs that Underlie Poor Problem Solving There must be a perfect solution. Only a perfect solution is good enough. There is only one way to deal with a given situation. 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Alternate Rational Beliefs in Problem Solving There are many potential ways of solving a particular problem, but they have different levels of efficacy. A less than perfect solution may be adequate, and may be the best. Even a solution that is not adequate may be better than the status quo. You don’t have to use the solution that comes out best.  1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

The essence of Principled Negotiation Solution selection is according to concepts, standards or principles that the parties believe in, and is not under the control of any single party. Even if not formally involved in the negotiation, the other party can be involved in solution selection 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free Other considerations Legitimacy Communication Relationship Commitment 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

Summary: The client(s) Accepts that they are in negotiation Reduces their own logical errors and irrational beliefs Identifies their own and the other’s Desires within desires Priorities, principles, and ethics Long term considerations Assesses their own power, i.e. what they have that might be desired by the other party Develops their own BATNA in the context of the other party’s power 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free Summary(2): The client Hears or identifies the other person’s position in its full emotional intensity (More important than communicating their own) Establishes the other’s (longterm and big picture) interests Brainstorms options for mutual gain that go towards meeting those interests Analyses the pros and cons (with weightings) Selects a solution based on concepts or principles both parties agree to Develops the Memorandum of Understanding. It can be loose, but it must be explicit! Makes plans to review and renegotiate An attitude of experimentation is often useful 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free

© Copyright 2014 Michael Free Comments/Questions? 1/05/2019 © Copyright 2014 Michael Free