THE POWER OF FAILURE Deborah Gilboa, MD www.AskDoctorG.com

hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy INGREDIENTS: Confidence Competence Relationships hap·pi· ness: noun

FAILURE OPPORTUNITIES Where: Academics Social growth Extracurriculars Why Discomfort -> Growth Confidence Competence Relationships

WHY DO ADULTS SAY NO? Love Fear Guilt Genuine enjoyment responsibility Future consequences Relationship rupture Guilt

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES Myth: “Only I can fix this!” Truth: Failure must be experienced.

SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013

THE COST “Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”

HOW DOES FAILURE HELP? independence → confidence Leads to competence Builds relationship Teaches resilience. 8

LEARNING CYCLE Identify Explore Set goal Notice alternatives Select option Implement plan Evaluate Result

RESILIENCE Mistakes Praise Life lessons Choices Risk-taking Resources!

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER Adult involvement supports Safety Growth Learning Adult involvement harms Confidence Competence Relationships

PARENTS NEED “When” not “If” language Attention Empathy & validation Shared goals Shared Decision-making

Resilience requires trust. FINDING RESILIENCE Resilience requires trust. “I’ll be interested to see what you do!”

Empathy without intervention.

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