MAKING RELATIONSHIPS WORK… Resolving Conflicts

Conflict resolution: What does it mean? Why do you need the skills? With whom will you need to use these skills?

What issues do you conflict (argue) with others about?

Conflict Which statement is true? Conflict can destroy a relationship. Conflict can strengthen a relationship

Conflict results from a perceived threat to someone’s needs Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Parent’s need to keep child safe vs. child’s need to explore Husband’s need to provide for his family vs. wife’s need for love intimacy

Response to threat… Foot on the gas: angry, overly emotional (FIGHT) Foot on the brake: withdrawal, shut down, little apparent emotion (FLIGHT) Foot on the gas and the brake: frozen, paralyzed yet extremely agitated (FREEZE) Fleeing or freezing appears to condone other person’s inappropriate behavior

Emotional control gone - Ability to resolve issues gone Cannot read non-verbal; tone communication Cannot distinguish between the other’s intent and the impact on you Cannot communicate your needs effectively

Handling your anger, fear, anxiety… Push the “PAUSE” BUTTON; Let your brain work before you mouth works Know what triggers your anger; your hot buttons Breathe Don’t listen to your conflict gremlins

Diffusing other’s anger Wait Give them their “one minute”; listen Watch your body language Don’t allow abuse Create speed bumps; short interjections Ask questions Show empathy; Validate their anger; their position Summarize If appropriate, apologize for your part in the conflict

Understand defensiveness Response to a threat Emotions managed using mechanisms, not diminished Defense Mechanisms He hit me first (justification) I didn’t do it (denial) Everyone is doing it (deflection) Your mom wears combat boots (counterattack) “not listening” (withdrawal) Combat defensiveness with curiosity and empathy

DON’T Catastrophise Be afraid of constructive conflict Assume your right is the only right Complain to others Argue under the influence (alcohol, anger) Use sarcasm or intimidation Insult, attack, bring up ancient history Use the “silent treatment, passive-aggressive behavior

Do…COMMUNICATE Listen with your eyes, your heart, and your ears.  EYES - 53% of communication is done through body language  HEART - 40% is through tone and feel  EARS - 7% is through words Stand in their shoes Practice mirroring

COMPROMISE THINK “WIN – WIN” LOSE – WIN WIN – LOSE LOSE - LOSE First person’s proposal ___________________ Second person’s proposal ____________________ Explore each person’s underlying concerns “getting your way” VS. “getting what you want”

RECAP Conflict resolution… What does look like? Like this? “Might” makes right? Proving facts that make you “right”? Or like this? Strengthening relationships Respect and trust Willingness to listen and communicate Commitment to a common goal Flexibility and creativity