Essay writing: What NOT to do

1. Do not…use slang/informal language “The sibling relationship between Doodle and his brother is kind of between healthy and unhealthy.” “Luchesi is like a rival wine taster.” “Doodle and his brother do a pretty good job of keeping a healthy relationship.” Fix by omitting slang or USING A THESAURUS to find a more creative word! (shift F7 is an automatic Word thesaurus!)

2. Do not…use YOU, YOUR, YOU’RE, I, MY, ME, WE, OUR “…when you read this story it makes sense…” “To me, that shows true dedication and commitment to his brother.” Fix by changing “you” to “readers” or “one” OR by omitting the reference to yourself.

3. Do not…leave out the ( ) reference! (plagiarism…) Jim said, “If you unwrap that package, you may see why you had me going awhile at first.” Fix by adding in the reference! (with correct punctuation) “…awhile at first” (O.Henry 529). (author page) – no comma in between

4. Do not…be too “obvious” when introducing a new point/paragraph “This section of the paragraph in this short story shows that Della and Jim still take pride in…” “This quote supports my example because they both sold their most prized possession…” “The next quote is…” Fix by using a transition or by omitting any references to the essay, to the quotes, or examples themselves

5. Do not…Let summary take over “Zaroff thought that Rainsford would be a perfect match for him to hunt. The hunt began now and Rainsford ran up into a tree to hide. Later after Zaroff left, Rainsford knew the meaning of terror. After being hunted for awhile, Rainsford had killed one of Zaroff’s dogs and Ivan…” Fix by thinking about your main point—you are trying to PROVE your point to me. PROVE THE TRAIT, don’t re-tell the story.

6. Don’t….leave quotes NAKED!  “…the older brother forced and taught Doodle how to walk just because of his pride. ‘When Doodle was five years old, I was embarrassed at having a brother of that age who couldn’t, so I can’t set out to teach him’” (Hurst 597). Fix by introducing the quote into a phrase—even if it’s as simple as “The narrator explains, ‘When Doodle was five years old…’”

Fix the problem… 1. “I feel like that’s how the two brothers bonded.” 2. “…because they had to sell their stuff to buy the other person a present.” 3. “My last example is how he acted like a friend…” 4. “So Jim gave Della the gift and when she opened it she was shocked. It was these beautiful hair clips for long hair but Della didn’t have long hair, she still looked on the bright side and said well my hair will grow fast…”

5. “’I sold my watch to get money for your combs’.” 6. “In the story the gift of the magi, it has a husband wife relationship.” 7. “In The Gift of the Magi, you will learn that healthy marriage means that the husband and wife care about each other…”