“How Can I Get My Mentee To…?”

FIRST, WE MUST ASK OURSELVES THIS QUESTION: “Why did I want to become a mentor?” (ask the mentors this question) (go over answers: “to give back,” “to help someone,” etc.) “That’s great!”

When you google “images, mentoring” this is one of the images you get. And certainly, when we talk about mentoring, we say “we want to give back, to help someone, to give a hand up to someone.”

But this image – and our reason for wanting to be a mentor - is potentially problematic. In this image, what do you think is going to happen next? (“The kid is going to get up to the adult’s level.”) Right. That is the assumption we make. Translated into real-life, that means “I expect to give my mentee a hand up and that my mentee will take my hand.” That is, when we engaged in the mentoring relationship, we may have had EXPECTATIONS of our mentee. (Ask: what do you think your expectations might have been?) (“To: talk to me. To take my advice. To use my advice to be more successful in school. Maybe even to be grateful for the help!” Having these expectations – ESPECIALLY if we weren’t aware of them – is potentially problematic. Because, guess what?

Because guess what: your mentee is a teen. And it’s quite common for teens to NOT : talk to us, take our advice, use our advice to be more successful, and be grateful for the help! And, when your mentee acts like a teen – which is what he is - it’s easy to feel disappointed.

“Now what?” “I became a mentor because I wanted to ___.” “I may have had some expectations of my mentee that he would ____.” “Now I’m finding that my mentee is ____ing and won’t ____.” “Now what?” So, this begs a question. What to do? The answer comes in two parts.

What to do? Part 1 “I’m glad to see you today!” “How’s your day going?” “What kinds of things do you like to do when you’re not in school?” “What’s coming up that you’re excited about?” “How did that ___ go, that you were looking forward to?” “What do you like to do with your friends?” “How’s [insert name of friend here] doing?” “What are you doing in school that’s fun these days?” “Do you have a favorite teacher?” “What do you like about him/her?” (Go over list on slide and add the following commentary Not too many questions all at once! Not too personal too soon! If they don’t want to answer, don’t push.

You should ask twice as many of the questions in the previous slide than “did you hand in your math assignment?” “[etc.]

This may feel like you are not doing your job,

But you ARE doing your job. ALL the mentoring literature says that establishing a trusting relationship must come first, before your mentee will be responsive to all those naggy questions about grades and homework.

Advice to parents of teens: If you don’t have teeth marks on your tongue, then you are obviously talking too much. Remember, your mentee is a teenager.

And be patient. It can take months or even more than a year to build trust. You just have to keep asking those relationship-building questions and you have to keep showing up consistently. (Caveat: if they don’t respond to your texts and if they stand you up, that’s a different story and we can talk about that at another time.)

And even then, even when your mentee IS willing to engage with you around those naggy questions, be ready for this: you STILL may not get the thing that you were expecting. You mentee may STILL not do his homework, hand in his homework, attend class regularly, get good grades. Your mentee STILL may not be doing the things that YOU JUST KNOW will help them succeed!

This can be extremely hard for a mentor to take. But this is where it’s really important to remember: this is your mentee’s life, not yours. It is not your mentee’s job to live out the goals that YOU have for him or her. She/he has his/her own path. It may be obvious to you that it’s not the best path! But is it his life, not yours.

“What are some of your ideas about what you might like to do after high school?” “What do you like and not like about this class?” “Do you have any particular goals for this class?” “What are some ideas that you have, about you might do for your final project?” Let your conversations about your mentee’s path – long-term and short-term – be “client-driven.” By the way, using the plural form (your ideas) and the subjunctive tense (might like to do) is an effective coaching technique. It’s less likely to put people on the defensive than: “What do you want to do after high school?” Also, sometime positive presupposition can be a useful technique. (“what are some of your ideas” instead of “do you have any ideas”). Other times it’s better to NOT positively presuppose, if you think it’s too much of a stretch for them. (“Do you have any particular goals…” instead of “What are some goals that you might want to have...?”)

So, go back to your original expectations of your mentee, acknowledge to yourself that you had them, and recognize that these may not get met. Maybe the image on the right is actually a better image for mentoring: You need to work with your mentee to help – as needed, AS YOUR MENTEE IS READY– to put together the pieces of the puzzle of life. His life, not yours.

Again, it may feel like you are not doing your job, but you ARE doing your job. You are there for your mentee, consistently, and you are ready to help, even if your mentee is not taking the path that seems obviously to you to be the best one.

What to do? Part 1 - REVIEW So, before we go on, let’s review: Check your expectations of your mentee and know that having expectations related to them connecting to you and doing what you advise may get you into trouble. Understand that your mentee is a teenager. Ask more questions to get to know them then to nag them, and talk less. Trust that you ARE doing your job, which is to build a trusting relationship. If your mentee engages with you but doesn’t take your advice, understand that your mentee has his own path, and it might not be your path. Think of your relationship in a new way: where you are putting together the pieces of the puzzle of life WITH your mentee.

(Break)

What to do? Part 2 Here’s “What to do Part 2.” * We’re not going to dwell on this. We just want to plant a seed. And if you’ve heard this before and are sick of it, we’re sorry, but just please take a moment to consider it.

Take a minute to THINK about the ENVIRONMENT in which you and your mentee exist. These fish don’t stop to think about the environment in which they live because they’ve never known anything else, and hey, the water’s fine in here. It’s possible that we mentors are like these fish. Bear with us…

Here’s another metaphor. When I’m not hungry, the refrigerator is just there. I don’t notice it. But when I’m fasting on Yom Kippur, I am painfully aware of every single thing in it. Let’s take a minute to brainstorm situations where some things are obvious to us but not others. Or obvious to others but not us. (Do a quick brainstorm)

It is possible that you and your mentee live in the same environment, but experience it in different ways?

These are some of our wonderful successful mentee mentor pairs These are some of our wonderful successful mentee mentor pairs. [Describe.] Do you notice anything that all of these pictures have in common? (They generate: differences in age, race, for example)

When one person’s white, and the other person is African American, or Latino, or Native American… When one person’s older, and the other is younger... When one person generally chooses how to spend his time, and the other person doesn’t have that choice... It is possible that you and your mentee experience the world in different ways? And, if you experience your shared environment in different ways, does that possibly affect how you interact with your mentee, how your mentee interacts with you?

Most of you have probably thought about this before: In a world where “flesh” colored crayons are based on white people’s skin, and where people are treated differently by police, courts, and schools based on their race, it is really clear that a white mentor and a mentee “of color” would be experiencing the world in two very different ways.

…and so, when you think about how you’re just trying to do your job as a mentor and give your mentee a hand-up, and your mentee’s not listening to you, and not taking the path that you know is right... ....And you’re feeling frustrated.... ....just remember that THERE MAY BE SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE NOT SEEING, that may just be the air you breathe (the water you live in as a fish, the fridge that you don’t notice b/c you’re not fasting) ... but it’s affecting you, and your mentee, and how you interact with each other. And we’re just going to stop there for now. The good news is, those tips in “What to Do Part 1” will work. And if you want to think about “What to Do Part 2” more, we’ll have opportunities to do so at future meetings.