PARENT COFFEE CLUB, January 2014 The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

Relational Aggression Can show up as early as age 2.5 Using relationships as a weapon “If you don’t do what I want, I won’t be friends with you anymore.” Silent treatment Rumors or gossip Reputation is defined by relationship. Social Aggression Hurtful gossip Damages reputation DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS

Good Girl Rules Popular with friends and adults Pretty and dresses well Does well in school Organized Follows the rules Pleaser Has to do everything right Is nice to everyone Well rounded Always busy

Good Girl Rules The pressure to be “good” diminishes girls’ authenticity and personal authority. “Good” is unreachable! Girls become too hard on themselves. Fear of disappointing others or failing Girls are socialized away from expressing negative emotions.

Good Girl Rules As they get older the social permission gets eclipsed Denial of the action causes me to question my own version of events  lose my confidence Indirect aggression allows girls to seem like the nice girl while being rude. INDIRECT AGGRESSION “Just kidding!” or “No offense!” If I didn’t mean it, it didn’t happen.

What Did Girls Say? Uncomfortable with feedback and failure Getting judged was their worst fear 60% knew they should behave assertively 25% said they actually would

We Need a Change! Girls need to have the tools to say “no,” to ask for what they need, and to say what they think. Media portrays women as passive, sexualized objects. Our culture remains confused about gender equality. Attitudes are slow to change.

What Can Parents Do? Early childhood research shows that when moms intervene by saying relational aggression is not acceptable and give consequences, the children show friendlier behavior 4 years later. Help your child learn how to identify and express her feelings and emotions; help her identify what she wants. Instead of the silent treatment: “I’m not ready to talk now. I will be later.” Treat relationships as a set of skills

What Can Parents Do? Model EMPATHY: Affirm her emotions and experience “I would feel angry and sad.” Show sympathy “I am sorry this is happening.” Practice and Model Emotional Literacy and Vocabulary Emotional Intelligence= We want girls to access that deeper feeling (not just sad, happy, angry) KNOW how you’re feeling EXPRESS how you’re feeling RESPECT how you’re feeling EMOTIONS ARE AN AGENT OF CHANGE IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU!

What Can Parents Do? “Mothers serve as models for daughters of how to talk, and how to use language to negotiate relationships and the world.” 2008 study by Girl Scouts of America Girls cited mothers as their most important role models. Model the qualities you most want to instill in your daughters. Assertiveness Honesty Saying what you need Not caring about being perfect

Exercise Make 2 lists Qualities you hope to model for your daughter “Role model mother” What you think society says perfect mothers look and act like “Perfect mother”

Exercise Role Model Mother Perfect Mother Confidence Integrity Self-respect Assertive Kind Compassion Ambition Generosity Happy Perfect Mother Cooks dinner Cleans house Martha Stewart Perfect children Good wife Successful career (that doesn’t interfere with parenting) Perfect body Well dressed Volunteers at school Good hostess

Assess Yourself Do you feel pressure to be the perfect mother? How does this affect your parenting? What kind of model are you for your daughter? Assess your response to your daughter’s anger

Home Exercises Write your daughter a letter Set parenting goals What do you wish you had known when you were her age? Focus on what you have learned about relationships, conflict, and self-confidence What does being yourself mean to you? What did your female role models teach you? Set parenting goals It takes a village

Some Advice Be the change you want to see in your daughter. Try to tell the truth every day. Emphasize authenticity Curb self-deprecating comments Develop her self-worth Not everyone is going to like you When truth and friendship cannot coexist, choose truth.

4 Step Protocol: GIRL G- Gather your choices I- I choose… R- Reasons are L- List the outcomes

Gather Your choices Talk about her behind her back Tell her how I feel Ask her why she did it Do the same thing to her Stop speaking to her Tell an adult Ask her to stop

I Choose… Reasons Are… … to tell her how I feel … I think it is important to be honest with friends. I want to give my friend a chance to change.

List the Outcomes She might listen to me She might get mad at me She might tell other people

References All information in this presentation was taken from: The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence by Rachel Simmons Rachel Simmons’ Keynote speech at the ASCA Annual Conference, June 2013, Philadelphia.