After reading your 2nd drafts Some notes on what I found

What we did well: Far more people were successful at addressing the prompt Far fewer summaries Evidence was appropriate to the purpose most of the time Far more people earned 5s and 6s

What we still need to work on Tying your evidence to your thesis statements Knowing how much/what kind of evidence to use Overwriting Throughout history… Elevated vocabulary Reading your own writing

Tying evidence to thesis statement After giving evidence, be sure to spend the majority of your paragraph explaining how this is important. Get into the habit of intentionally tying your point back to the thesis statement. This “holds the reader’s hand” through the paper.

Tying evidence to thesis statement Example: During the teen years, many want to fit in and try to impress people by doing things they know aren’t right. For example, say a teen goes to a party and everyone’s drinking. They know it’s illegal to drink underage but everyone else is doing it. So they want to feel “cool” and party it up like the people around them.

Tying evidence to thesis statement Example: During the teen years, many want to fit in and try to impress people by doing things they know aren’t right. For example, say a teen goes to a party and everyone’s drinking. They know it’s illegal to drink underage but everyone else is doing it. So they want to feel “cool” and party it up like the people around them. By doing so they are proving that Drabble’s assertion about conformity is true.

Knowing how much evidence to use Don’t overwhelm the reader with examples. One example per paragraph is plenty. Use the shortest possible bit of evidence or example and then move on to your argument. Remember: your argument should be central to the essay. Personal evidence is fine, but use it appropriately.

Overwriting Make sure everything you write says something worthwhile. Don’t just use pretty language without meaning. If you can’t explain it, I can’t understand it. It’s not the reader’s job to put meaning in your sentences. If it doesn’t serve a purpose for your argument, it doesn’t belong in the essay. Don’t use ten words when three will do. Example: instead of “It is a true statement,” just say “it is true.”

Throughout history… Words/Phrases to avoid Very, many, extremely, etc., such, so In conclusion, to conclude Throughout history Since the beginning of time We, as humans, … In our society today, in today’s society Avoid talking directly to the reader Using “you” instead of “one,” “people,” or “we.” Example: When you look at the evidence… Revised: When one looks at the evidence… Revised: When we look at the evidence…

Elevated vocabulary Simple: say the word that is most appropriate for the sentence and your point. Avoid using elevated vocabulary just because you think it is what the reader wants to hear. As your vocabulary increases, you will naturally use it without sounding forced.

Read your own writing Read it in your head. SLOWLY! Read it the way you wrote it, not the way you think you wrote it. If you stumble over punctuation, if you notice you didn’t make a complete sentence, or your word choices could be better, go back to see if you can fix it.