Communication Breakdown! Common Communication Issues between men and women

Nature and Nurture BOYS: group-oriented teamwork= strong group of friends GIRLS:  individual- oriented  one-on-one talking= one or two best friends

Differing Perceptions: STATUS LENS: (males) looking for differences to achieve status young boys try to “one up” each other stronger personalities give orders= leader= HIGHER STATUS weaker personalities accept orders= subordinate= LOWER STATUS CONNECTION LENS: (females)  look for similarities to achieve connection  try to achieve equality, not superiority

Non-verbal Communication: LISTENING RITUALS MEN: avoid direct eye contact are still listening, although they may not look directly at you misinterpret direct eye contact as confrontational or flirtatious WOMEN:  direct, face-to-face gaze  used to focus on connection  misinterpret no eye contact as a sign of not listening

VERBAL COMMUNICATION: CONVERSATION RITUALS not to be taken literally Both “styles” are valid tools used for establishing friendly connections to facilitate communication example: “How are you?”... “Fine, thanks”

CONVERSATION RITUALS RITUAL OPPOSITION: RITUAL APOLOGY: (MEN) (WOMEN) boys “play fight” playing Devil’s Advocate used NOT to challenge but rather to explore possibilities Women misinterpret opposition as: indication of bad idea or mistake personal attack RITUAL APOLOGY: (WOMEN)  “I’m not sorry; I’m sorry”  means I’m sorry that happened  NOT a personal apology  used as a transition in conversation Men misinterpret apology as:  disorganization  incompetence

CONVERSATION RITUALS MEN: Use “report talk,” focusing on informational details Often about themselves use playful insults and teasing Jokes/humor establish status WOMEN:  Use “rapport talk,” focusing on personal subjects  use compliments, verbal and non-verbal cues (touching) Often downplay their achievements women interrupt to show agreement, to give support, or to give “cooperative overlap”

GIVING ORDERS: DIRECT: INDIRECT: (women) (men) dictate orders not trying to be bossy or offensive Men usually initiate and are more comfortable with conflict Women misinterpret direct orders as: impoliteness overbearing INDIRECT: (women)  use strategies not to appear bossy  “could we do this…”  “do you think it’s possible…”  “I would do it this way…” Men misinterpret indirect approach as:  not being managerial  easier to say “NO”

Tips for Increasing Your Communication Savvy Become aware of communication issues Learn what YOUR rituals are Observe the rituals of others Don’t “pigeonhole” people